✓ BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG | NIKI

3 - Can You Understand?

When I step into Haven Hope after my father drops me off, I take a deep breath and try to savor the familiar scent of the place—the blend of fresh paint, of flowers from the garden, and the comforting aroma of brewing tea. It's become a scent that feels like home. 

Pulling my oxygen tank alongside me, I make my way to the community room where the three guys from yesterday are playing some card game. When Jake spots me, I can hear him gasp and the two others turn their heads to see what caught Jake's attention. Their expressions shift from concentration to surprise, and then they break into welcoming smiles. "Y/N! Hi!"

I smile, walking to them while being unsure of how they'd react to my outfit today. "Hey, glad you made it back!" Sunghoon, the one with the shaggy brown hair, greets me with a friendly wave. "You look... different today. In a good way, of course."

"Thank you," I reply, feeling a bit self-conscious but appreciating their positive comments. "I thought I'd try something new today." I take a seat at the table with them, placing my oxygen tank beside me. Jay, the one I noticed being quiet and calm, hands me a few cards and I raise my eyebrows. "I don't think I know how to play this game. I don't really know any game, to be honest."

"You don't play card games?" Jake's question and the way he looks at me as if I just confessed to a crime make me laugh. Now I realize just how much I'm missing on and the way I'm so different than the typical teenager they might encounter. I mean, I spent all my life mostly indoors, dealing with health issues, and my social interactions were limited. The only people I'm familiar with are the doctors, nurses, and my father.

"No, not really," I admit, shuffling the cards in my hand awkwardly. "But I'm willing to give it a try." 

And so, the card game starts and I'm losing myself in the friendly banter and laughter around the table. Despite my initial hesitation, the game turns out to be quite enjoyable, and I begin to understand why people find these activities so engaging. It's not just about the game itself but the competition and the laughter that comes with it. 

So this is what people mean when they talk about the joy of simple pleasures, I think to myself. I find myself smiling, feeling like a normal teenager for the first time in my life. It's a liberating feeling.

As we play, I glance around the room, half-expecting to see Niki at the piano. However, the piano stands silent, untouched. Trying not to seem disappointed, I clear my throat and look at the three of them. "Uhm... why did you decide on coming here? To Hope Haven?" The implicit question hangs in the air, and for a moment, there's a pause as if they're all contemplating how to answer. Jake is the first to break the silence.

"I suffer from anxiety, and sometimes it's just overwhelming. Hope Haven gives me a place to breathe, you know? A place where I can escape the chaos in my mind." I never thought someone as carefree and joyful as Jake would carry such a burden. But I can understand because while his smile radiates warmth, his eyes hold depths of emotions I hadn't noticed before. "And the people here, they understand. It's like a little family."

"I lost someone close to me a while back." Sunghoon's words make my heart drop. His tone, the way his eyes dart away for a moment, reveals a pain that still lingers. "Coming here helps me cope, I guess. The wounds feel so fresh sometimes, but being here with people who understand loss makes it a little easier." 

Jay, who has been silently absorbing the conversation, speaks next. "I have... a chronic illness. I think coming here, being part of this, is a way to forget about it, even if just for a little while." I stare at him, not being able to describe this feeling that's seeping through the room. But the closest description is that of belonging. I think I belong here.

"I hope Niki gets to feel this way someday." I look at Jay and follow where he's gazing only to find Niki sitting in the garden with his knees close to his chest, watching a cat that has made itself comfortable on the windowsill. The gentle breeze ruffles Niki's hair as he absentmindedly draws patterns on the ground with his finger. I feel a strange want to learn about his own, silent world and so I stand up with my oxygen tank and approach the glass door leading to the garden. 

The vibrant hues of flowers and the soothing greenery make the scene even more enchanting. The cat notices me first, arching its back and stretching before sauntering away. Niki looks at somewhere in the distance, or he's just lost in his own thoughts. The sound of my footsteps against the grass, the sound of the birds chirping, and the sound of the leaves rustling in the gentle breeze surround us, and the realization that he doesn't get to hear it hits me like a soft wave.

I take a few cautious steps closer, my heart thudding in my chest. The idea of breaking into his silent world feels like tiptoeing into sacred territory. But just then, he turns around and I freeze. 

"Hi." I sign, watching the way his eyes follow my hand and the way his finger stops making little art on the ground. There's a flicker of surprise in his gaze, and I wonder how often people try to communicate with him. 

Niki stands up, dusts his hands and slowly approaches me. I almost turn around and run away but I stand my ground. "Can you understand?" He signs and the way his hands move gracefully reminds me of just how familiar he is with a language that only a few have taken the time to learn. And I feel some kind of pride for being one of those people. I nod and he frowns. "Why?"

"I learned it when I was bored in the hospital." After I sign, I point at the oxygen tank and smile awkwardly. "Am I the first one to try this with you?"

He signs a slow and deliberate "Yes," his eyes fixed on mine. I wonder how it feels to not be able to be heard and then suddenly get to express oneself. He must have hundreds of words on the tip of his tongue, but all he does is stare at me like I'm some sort of miracle.