✓ BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG | NIKI

23 - Cold Smoke

Time seems to pass rather fast ever since the five of us reconnected. At Hope Haven, the air is no longer suffocating and summer feels like a gentle embrace, wrapping us in its warmth and filling us with hope. Laughter spills from open windows, mingling with the chirping of birds in the nearby gardens. The once-oppressive silence has been replaced by the comforting hum of life—the sound of Niki playing the piano, conversations shared over steaming mugs of tea, the click-clack of knitting needles, and the occasional burst of excited chatter from the boys engrossed in a board game. Summer feels like a blessing, but I know tragedies always loom, like storm clouds gathering on a seemingly perfect day.

The borrowed time I cling to feels even more precious under the golden glow of these carefree days. The joy at Hope Haven is a fragile thing, a butterfly with wings easily crumpled. The secret I hold, the ticking clock within my chest, threatens to break the delicate peace we've built.

Despite the fear, I find myself sitting next to Niki as he plays a melancholic tune on the aged piano in the common room. The way he can't even hear how beautiful, heart-wrenchingly beautiful his music is, breaks my heart a little. The way he closes his eyes while his fingers dance across the keys, lost in the haunting melody, speaks volumes about the depth of his emotions. 

The music stops and Niki opens his eyes, turning to me with his beautiful eyes that leave me breathless. There's a vulnerability in his gaze, a silent plea for understanding that tugs at my heartstrings. "It's beautiful," I sign, slowly, watching as he nods, a small smile touching his lips.

"Thank you," He signs back, the smile not quite reaching his eyes. "You're truly a miracle." I tilt my head at what he signs, eyes soft as he looks at me like I'm some sort of angel sent to brighten his darkest days. It's a bittersweet feeling, knowing that I can bring him some comfort, and yet, I know I'm going to destroy that very comfort with the truth I've been keeping from him. The weight of my secret feels like a physical thing in my chest, a leaden ball threatening to pull me under. But seeing the hope flicker in Niki's eyes, the way he seems to cling to the idea of me as some kind of savior, makes the words even harder to form.

"You're too kind," I sign back, my fingers moving hesitantly while my cheeks burn in response. They don't burn with the blush of embarrassment but with the ache of guilt and shame, and I wonder how much longer I can bear the weight of this deception. Niki reaches out, his hand hovering over mine for a moment before gently resting his fingertips on my knuckles. I want to hold his hand, to savor the unexpected warmth, but the gesture feels forbidden. I can't bring myself to return the gesture, not when every touch feels like a betrayal.

"What are you up to?" The boys approach us, sitting on the chairs next to the piano, their eyes sparkling with curiosity. Jake throws his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer in a way that's both friendly and slightly suffocating. "The two of you had been acting suspiciously," he says with a playful grin and I push him away, suddenly self-conscious. 

"We are not!" My cheeks heat up as I fix my cannula. I turn to Niki who's staring at us in confusion and my gaze lands on his lips, the same lips I once kissed under the moonlight. The lips that murmured sweet nothings against mine, the very same lips that now seem to form a silent question. "He's just telling me about how he learned the music." 

"I don't think that would make you blush the way you are right now," Jake teases, raising an eyebrow suggestively and my cheeks burn even hotter. Why does he like teasing me so much? The boy seems to thrive on a good reaction. And yet, whenever he smiles, my heart heals a little bit. "What is wrong?" Niki signs, pulling me from my thoughts with his gentle concern. His eyes search mine, full of genuine care and worry.

"Nothing really," My fingers move as I slightly shake my head. "They're just being silly." The two of us chuckle and when I turn to Jay, he's looking at us, his eyes two pools of... concern? As soon as our eyes meet, he looks away at the two boys bickering like an old married couple, his ears turning a soft shade of red. I don't understand why my heart skips a beat nor why I feel somewhat disappointed. Maybe it's because the concern I see in Jay's eyes, fleeting as it was, felt...different. Unlike Jake's teasing or Niki's innocent curiosity, it feels stained with a deeper understanding, a shared secret. But the thought is quickly pushed aside when Jake blurts out the words he uttered a few days ago. 

"Let's go to the beach." At his words, we all exchange glances, the suggestion hanging in the air like a promise of escape. The beach—a place where the crashing waves drown out the noise of the world, where the sand beneath our feet offers comfort, and where the vast expanse of the ocean reminds us of our place in the universe. "We have two days to plan everything. We can do it." 

"I can tell my parents," Jay says, making us turn to look at him as he rubs the back of his neck. "I'll try to convince them to let us stay in our house in Busan. We can stay there for the weekend." 

"I love you," Jake forms a heart with his hands and Jay swats it away, rolling his eyes but unable to hide the fond smile that tugs at his lips. "Sunghoon is coming and if he refuses, well, I don't care, he's still coming. Y/N, you can tell your father, right? I'm sure he'll agree." Sunghoon is about to complain when Jake puts his hands over his mouth, stopping him from sputtering any protests. "No buts, Sunghoon. Fresh air will do you good. Besides, you haven't seen the beach in Busan. It's legendary. Y/N?"

"I'll try." I smile, though, deep inside, I know it will take so much convincing to make my father agree to such an unplanned trip. I know, now that I'm likely to breathe my last breath any time from now, the last thing he wants is for me to be away from him. For me to miss any precious moments we have left together. But I also know that this trip means more than just a weekend at the beach. And for the sake of my friends who gave me so many reasons to live, I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. I turn to Niki, his eyes fixed on me with the smile of a child staring at his favorite toy. "Do you want to go to the beach?" The way his eyes light up is enough to make me realize Niki is just a child at heart, craving the simple joys of life that many take for granted. His excitement is contagious, and I find myself smiling back at him, warmth and happiness washing over me. 

Two days later, I'm pulling a little luggage while carrying my oxygen tank on my shoulders, walking to the train station where the boys are waiting. Jay, Sunghoon, Jake and Niki wave at me, the sun behind them almost blinding. I squint, trying to shield my eyes from the bright light as I approach them. Niki runs to me, taking the oxygen tank from my shoulder while smiling at me. "Thank you." I sign, reaching to put a strand of hair off his forehead. 

From the corner of my eye, Heeseun appears and my heart drops. Why is he here? What if he tells them about our conversation? I stare at him as he puts his hands in his pockets, a lollipop dangling from his lips. "What's up?" He greets me nonchalantly, his eyes flickering between each of us, lingering a moment longer on me. "You look quite healthy. You must be feeling better." My stomach churns at the sarcasm dripping from his every word, at the way the smirk never leaves his lips. "I'm glad I agreed to tag along. This trip is going to be fun." 

At that time, we were too foolish to understand. But all our cigarettes are stubbed out forcefully, dying like fallen stars on the platform moments before the train pulls in.