✓ BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG | NIKI

24 - The Boy Who Ran Towards the Sun

"I like you." 

The words escaping his lips make me freeze, my hands clutching clutching the worn leather strap of my oxygen tank. My gaze darts to Jake sleeping against Sunghoon's shoulder, Heeseung listening to music with an unlit cigarette between his lips, and Niki whose attention is focused intently on the passing scenery outside the window. My heart hammers against my ribcage and for a moment, I think I'm about to pass out. Jay, whose hopeful eyes search mine, parts his lips once again, "I like you, Y/N. But don't feel pressured to reciprocate. I just needed to get it off my chest." His voice is barely above a whisper, yet it echoes loudly in the confined space of the train compartment. "I... I don't-"

Suddenly, the rhythmic clatter of the train is interrupted by a screech, followed by a jolt that throws us all forward. Heeseung rips his headphones out, his eyes flashing with annoyance. "Seriously?" He throws a glance out the window and curses under his breath. "Looks like there's been an accident up ahead. We're stuck."

A collective groan fills the compartment. The unexpected delay throws a wrench into my already spiraling thoughts. The extra time feels like both a blessing and a curse. More time to think, but also more time for Jay's words to sink in, a bittersweet truth settling in my stomach. Jake and Sunghoon wake up from their doze with a startled gasp, Sunghoon blinking blearily at the sudden commotion. "What happened?" He mutters, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Jake only glances at me for a second, looking away right when our eyes meet. He never once avoided my gaze so when he does, unease grips my chest. Why has he been so quiet yet so attentive? 

"Train troubles," Heeseung replies curtly, taking away the cigarette from between his lips. When he looks at me and raises his eyebrow, I swear I see a flicker of something akin to concern in his dark eyes. It's gone so fast I can't be sure, but it throws me off balance. I avert my gaze, unable to meet Heeseung's eyes when he knows more than he should. When he could blurt out my secret and leave me exposed and vulnerable among everyone. 

Niki's expression darkens, his concern deepening as he glances at me. "Are you okay?" he signs, his eyes searching mine for any signs of distress. "What happened?" 

I force a smile, though it feels strained on my lips. "I'm fine," I sign back, though the lie tastes bitter in my mouth. "Train troubles. It will be sorted out soon, I'm sure." I rest my head against the window and Niki does the same, our eyes locked in a silent exchange. 

It's a hot day, the sun shining too brightly as if we're at the peak of summer. Beads of sweat prickle at my forehead despite the cool air conditioning struggling against the number of bodies in the compartment. I close my eyes for a moment and before I know it, cool air is hitting my face, making me smile and open my eyes again to find Niki holding a folded paper fan in front of me, his brow furrowed in concern. "Thank you," I mouth silently, a genuine smile gracing my lips for the first time in what feels like forever. He returns the smile, his eyes filled with a warmth that brings a lump to my throat.

"For the first time of my life, I decide to go on a trip just to end up in a hick town in the middle of nowhere," Heeseung scoffs as we get off the train, our luggage clattering behind us on the dusty platform. "So, what do we do now?" 

"We go to the beach," Sunghoon says, carrying his bags as if they weigh nothing. "Come on, it's a hot day. We're not going to sit around this deserted station all day. There has to be a beach nearby, right?" He scans the horizon, squinting against the harsh sunlight. A thin ribbon of blue peeks through a cluster of palm trees in the distance. "See? We'll just have to walk a little." 

Niki tugs on my sleeve, his brow furrowed in confusion. He signs a question, his eyes searching mine. "Beach? Water?" I nod, offering a reassuring smile. His eyes brighten and he holds both my oxygen tank and my luggage while carrying his backpack, making me stare at him, dumbfounded. The boy is strong, his muscles peeking from under the shirt my father had bought him. My cheeks warm up but the flutter in my chest is quickly dimmed by the thought of these past two days' events. My father. The arguments. The yelling and the slammed doors. The lump in my throat tightens as I walk next to Niki, trying to walk on the same rhythm as his. 

We follow Sunghoon's lead, the coarse sand crunching under our feet. The village fades behind us, replaced by the endless expanse of the beach. The air smells of salt and seaweed, a refreshing contrast to the dusty path we just traversed. Jay walks beside me, his usual carefree demeanor subdued. He hasn't spoken much since his confession on the train. Jake, who's supposed to make jokes about anything and everything, is a silent observer today. He throws me a hesitant glance, but unlike Jay, his concern isn't colored by romantic undertones.

Reaching a secluded spot beneath a grove of palm trees, we drop our bags with sighs of relief. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore washes over us, a calming white noise that drowns out the twisted thoughts in my mind. 

"Not so bad, after all," Heeseung pulls out his ever-present cigarette but doesn't light it, the tip dangling unlit from his lips. Sunghoon throws off his shirt, revealing a lean torso, and races towards the water, whooping with delight. Niki, his eyes wide with wonder, looks back at me. 

"I'll go swim." He signs, taking off his shirt before I can look away. My eyes go wide and my heart hammers against my ribcage at the sight, but I quickly avert my gaze, feeling a rush of warmth spreading across my cheeks. He ruffles my hair and follows after Sunghoon, Jay taking out his phone to take pictures and record them. Heeseung walks away, reaching to light his cigarette, making me recall his words. He's now letting the thing between his lips kill him and the realization knocks the breath out my lungs. 

I stand there, watching as the sea beckons to my friends, its vast expanse stretching out before us like an endless promise of possibilities. Niki's playful laughter and Sunghoon's carefree shouts feel miles away, but I try to memorize them, to remember them for as long as my lungs let me. "Aren't you going to swim too?" My words somehow seem to amuse Jake as he chuckles lowly, his eyes fixed on the horizon. 

"And show them the burns all over my body? Sure." Jake's flat reply pierces the bubble of forced normalcy I'd been clinging to. The casual amusement in his voice evaporates, replaced by a raw vulnerability that catches me off guard. My gaze darts towards his exposed arms, searching for the burns I've seen the other day. But his usual long-sleeved shirt remains stubbornly in place, hiding whatever secrets lie beneath. Shame burns in my throat, hotter than the midday sun. "Don't look at me like that. I'm stronger than you think, Y/N. I ended my pain with my own hands." 

"I'll join them for a while," I blurt out, carrying my oxygen tank while walking towards the boys, their joy contagious as they frolic in the waves. I walk by the water, my feet sinking into the soft sand with each step. The ocean breeze tousles my hair while Sunghoon and Niki splash in the shallows, their laughter mingling with the rhythmic crash of the waves. Jay stands at the water's edge, his gaze fixed on his screen before he turns to me and I blink in embarrassment before hesitantly waving at the camera. 

For a while, I lose myself in the simple pleasure of their company, the worries and doubts that had plagued me moments before fading into the background. Sunghoon splashes me playfully, sending droplets of water scattering into the air, while Niki watches with a wide smile, his eyes sparkling with genuine delight.

"What is he doing?" Jay's voice makes me tilt my head and turn to look where he's looking. Jake is standing at the edge of the platform nearby, staring out at the sea with a distant look in his eyes. 

"Jake," I breathe as soon as I catch his sight. I don't know what he's trying to do, yet the sight is enough to make my heart beat faster than it normally does.

"Jake, come down!" calls Sunghoon who only notices what's going on when he sees us looking worried. He stops splashing around and swims towards the platform, his concern etched on his face. Niki, sensing the shift in mood, frowns and turns his attention towards Jake. The playful energy that had moments ago bubbled between us fizzles out, replaced by a tense silence. All eyes are now on Jake, his figure standing behind the blinding sun. 

Jake remains rooted to the spot, his gaze fixed on the horizon as if lost in some distant reverie. But then he tilts his head to look at us and flashes us a smile, small, soft and sincere, before he faces front. And then he runs. He runs to the edge and then jumps to embrace the wind and the water. The rest of us watch in stunned silence as Jake leaps from the platform, his form disappearing into the azure depths below.