Fix me

Chapter 12

Song on the side....................................................................................................................................................

Chapter 12

I forgot how to breathe.

            I knew the actions and I knew I had to take big breaths in and out in and out, but I could not make myself put the motions together. My stomach would have shriveled up with my efforts if it had not already dropped to my toes, a twisted, knotted mess. I had to try a few times to find my voice again and, even then, it was cracked and nearly nonexistent. “You… you’re not… you had… Jeremy.” My throat burned both with the effort of speaking and his name on my tongue, rolling off it sharp, like spikes.

            Vanessa managed to stop her tears and was now taking deep loud shaky breaths. I wished I could do that. “I-it’s not…” she tried to say. “I didn’t do it with Jem.”

            Like a switch being turned on, I remember how to breathe again. Air traveled up my nose, through my mouth, into my airways. I gasped with the feeling of utter relief, but it was not long lasting. If Vanessa did not lose her virginity to Jeremy, then that means she gave it to someone else.

            And if she had sex with someone else, that means she cheated on Jeremy.

            And if she cheated on Jeremy, that means that he will find out and he will be angry, so angry.

            The question I asked myself was: if he was angry at Vanessa, would he hurt her… or me?

“Vanessa,” I said her name for what must have been the fifth time in the last six minutes. “How?”

            She took a deep breath, but it was so shaky that it caught in her throat and she had to cough to clear it. “Last night, I- I was working on the chemistry project with Jenny. We were at her house and I was getting annoyed because she wasn’t doing anything right. Then, her sister came down and asked if we wanted to go to some party with her,” Jenny’s sister was a senior and on the dance team. She was pretty and popular and blonde and her sister was already following in her footsteps.

            “Go on,” I urged Vanessa to continue.

            She swallowed and closed her eyes. The bell range, but we both ignored it. “I went with them. I was tired of Jenny and the stupid project and I just wanted to relax. I also thought that if I went to a senior party, I would be more experienced and mature and Jem could connect with me more,” She sniffled, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks again.

            “I was having so much fun that I didn’t even pay attention to how much I drank. And I drank a lot. By the time I should have gone home, I was dancing with some guy and he started making out with me. I was too drunk to stop him and the rest is all just a blur. I remember going upstairs with him into a bedroom, him taking my clothes off, and then just waking up the next morning in an empty bed, naked.” She started sobbing again and I stood there, wanting to provide comfort for her, but not being able to.

            “I- I don’t… even know… if we… used protection.” She said in between sobs. Her face was red with blotched and her lips were wet from fallen tears. “What if I’m pregnant?!! What do I do, Vi? Tell me what to do.”

            I didn’t know what to say. I was never good at this sort of thing. Especially with something so serious. I twisted my fingers together and shuffled my feet. “How did you get home?” I asked, trying to find more time to think.