Fix me

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Song on the side . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I entered Vanessa’s home wearily. Everything was different. No longer were we the girls having weekend movie nights. No longer were we the girls sitting against the couch on the floor side by side, daydreaming about our future kid’s names or what our husband’s would look like. No longer were we the girls flipping through magazines, absently talking about everything and nothing. That was different time; a different lifestyle. I sometimes wished I could go back, experience the feeling of naivety one more time.

            Vanessa looked like death when she opened the door to let me in. I didn’t mean it to sound insulting; it was the only fact I could grasp in my mind at that moment. Her skin was paler than printer paper, her eye’s red as my aunt’s spring coat. Her hair was stringy in a very un-Vanessa like manner. It clung to her head and face in strands, giving it a greasy look. She was wearing her “I give up” sweatpants as she called them and a Jimmy Eat World T-shirt. There seemed to be some vomit on her shoulder, matching the corner of her mouth.

            I wondered if she was like this because of what happened between her and Jeremy yesterday, or if she found out the results from the doctor. “I brought gummy worms.” I said, again finding the first fact I could get my hands on.

            She looked at the bag of bright colored candy in my hand, her face expressionless.

            “I know they’re your favorite,” I attempted a sad excuse for a smile and she let me in.

            “You didn’t have to do that,” Vanessa finally talked. Her voice sounded rough. Like she had been crying. Or screaming.

            “It’s not a big deal.”

            Why did it seem like we were mere acquaintances having small talk rather than friends who had been like sisters for the past five years? Vanessa took a seat on the familiar looking couch in the familiar looking living room in the familiar looking house. This was like my second home, yet it was not how I remembered it, even though absolutely nothing had changed.

            I took a seat next to her, playing with the packaging of the gummy worms in my hands. Vanessa curled her legs underneath her and hugged her knees. This was the position she always stretched in while watching a scary movie.

            “Vanessa?” I asked. She lifted her head, staring at me silently. “I’m really sorry about you and Jem.” I inwardly cringed at him nickname which I almost never use. To me, Jem and Jeremy were two different people. Jem was the fun, popular basketball player that everyone loved. Jeremy was the monster that took hold of him whenever he was around me. He was what I only knew.

            Vanessa snorted. “Please,” She wouldn’t look at me. “You wanted me and Jem to break up from the beginning. You should be happy right now. Everything turned out right.” She wiped tears from her cheeks and I felt a stab of hurt. Yes, I had gotten what I wanted, but, seeing Vanessa like this, was not what I had intended to happy. I really was truly sorry. 

            “Are you going back to school tomorrow?” I asked mostly to change the subject.

            She nodded. “I have to go back sometime. My mom doesn’t want me to though. She doesn’t think I’m ready with everything that happened to me.”

            I thought about the things that could have happened to her, but didn’t, and felt a little better. I wish she knew how safe she was now that she was not with Jeremy any more. I wish a lot of things.