Being told by the people who mean the most to you that they hate you or that your fat or they hate how loud I am really hurts.... I know they don't realize how much it hurts because I keep my composure but I cry at night thinking about being told I'm hated and I'm fat and I'm too loud and I need to learn to just be quiet and I should just keep my mouth shut and quit being such a problem... sometimes it's by the people who mean the most to me and other times it's people I don't care about but it still gets me thinking about the fact the hate me and about the things that I hate about myself because I wish I could make them not hate me cause I want everyone around me happy but I can't and I hate it but I will still keep my composure and act as if I'm fine..... I hate crying to other people and I hate when I cry on the phone because I feel stupid so if I cry on the phone with you or I cry in your arms I really trust you and it takes me a while to.. even if you have given me every reason and I trust you with everything else I can't open up because sometimes it's about the people who told me they hate me and I'm afraid to upset them and make them hate me even more because I can't take being told I'm hated much more before I go back to hiding in my room and not coming out.... Then when I judge it's " I hate when you hide out" or " why don't you ever text me" but it's because they tell me they hate me and I can't mentally take it so I shut down or to avoid shutting down I lock myself in my room and cry and I don't really talk and I get super quiet or I shut the people out but then they get mad at me but I end up hating them in the end because I cant keep hating myself to make others happy even if I want to I can't
