I'm Gonna Be Ready

Chest pains

Ore
I am woken up by noises that sound like an ambulance but it sounds far, the lights are too bright. My chest and abdomen hurt. Someone is touching me, it hurts, the burning under my feet is worse, I’m carried somewhere, there’s a lot of people but none of them can hear me ask for help. Sleep over powers me.
“Doctor will my daughter be fine?” Woman.
“She will be up anytime from now. She responded in theatre.” Man.
“When do you think we can take her home?” Man.
I wake up from the dream, my chest hurts when I breathe, I try sitting up, a sharp pain shoots through my lower abdomen. “You will hurt yourself.” A woman in pink clothes says.
“Morning sister, how is she today?”
“Mama?” I clear my throat, calling the person at the door who sounds like my mother.
“Oh nana, oh my baby, I am so happy, sister can I raise her a bit? Thank you God, you are merciful, you are God.” Mama cries.
“I.. I’m..so” I try to apologize to my weeping mother, my voice fails as I struggle to breathe due to my chest pain.
“It’s okay ngwanaka(my child), don’t hurt yourself.” Mama wipes my tears and plants soft kisses all over my face.
“Ma’am may you please excuse us, the doctor wants to check in the patient.” The nurse speaks.
“I will be right outside nana.” Mama reassuringly says, trying to remove my hand from hers, tears fill my eyes and hers. The doctor shines a light in my eyes, she touches my lower , it hurts. She apologizes and writes in a file and asks the nurse to call mama in.
“Miss Letswheni, do you know how you got here?” The doctor asks and I shake my head in response.
“You were attacked and left in a burning apartment, your friends brought you in. The perpetrator has been apprehended and he is in custody. You unfortunately lost your baby a week and a half ago, we removed your baby as he was a danger to you yesterday. I am sorry for your loss, as per tradition, you will be discharged this afternoon for the funeral preparations, ma’am the nurse will give you instructions on wound care, she must be off her feet as much as she can, the antibiotics she must complete the course, I wrote blood thinners and a solution to soak her feet. and I will see you in a week unless you have problems.” The doctor.
“Can I see him?”
“The porter will accompany you.” She says and walks out with the nurse who says she is coming back.
“I am so sorry my nana, your father and siblings are on the way.” Mama wipes my eyes.
“My whole body hurts. But my heart hurts the most.”
“I know nana.” I cry in her arms. The nurse dresses my burn wound on my feet and she cleans my abdomen, she removes the catheter and gives me a last dose of antibiotics. My father and older brother enter the room with the porter.
My father can’t look at me, I know he blames me. He warned me to stay away from Nkosi. My brother insists on pushing the wheelchair after getting directions from the porter. The morgue is on the last end of the hospital. The assistant opens the door for us and shows us the room. My heart drops to my stomach.
My brother picks him up and brings him to me, he looks so small, he has my father’s nose, my beautiful baby boy. Mama sobs louder, I silently cry, my heart hurts physically, feels like someone is squeezing it. I chant I’m sorry to him.
My father takes him from me, I see a lone tear before he turns from me. “I arranged with my funeral home to come and fetch him in an hour. I will go with him.” My father says from the corner of the room cuddling my son’s body.
“I am sorry Papa.” Is all I manage to say, tears choke me.
“Please take me back to the ward, the physiotherapist is supposed to see me.” I ask my brother who gives me the baby to greet and kiss and hands him back to my father who stays behind with mama.
“You are going to be okay, Lereko and Lewatle are at home. I know it’s not a good time but we need to bury the baby, we need a name.” my brother reminds me of a topic, I have been avoiding.
“Baba, will name him. You and Lewatle can handle the arrangements.” My brother nods.
After the physiotherapist shows me how to walk, mama helps me bath. My brother drives us home, the speed humps hurt, I groan with each one we pass. Getting out of the car hurts a little more.
My neighbours are in the house, my brother Lereko is waiting for us at the gate, he wants to pick me up, I refuse but he forces me.
“Abuti, they said I must walk.” He puts me down at the door. I am met by my sister Lewatle and Sabs who are crying at the door.