I'm Gonna Be Ready

Shameful

Ore
“I am so sorry Papa, for the pain I have caused you.” He sobs harder in my uncles chest. I silently cry.
My father takes my hand and we get in the car. He drives us home in speed, we wash our hands then he takes me to the car again. He drives us to the ice cream palace.
“I am sorry I didn’t protect you.” He says, after placing our order.
“Dad, I should have listened when you warned me. I am sorry.”
“No nana, we learn from our mistakes. As your father my job is to guide you.” He holds my hands.
“I know you hate me.”
“Oresiametse, how can you think that of me? Am I such a bad parent?” I love you so much, a little more than your siblings.” Papa.
“But, you didn’t acknowledge me.”
“Nana, what am I supposed to say to you? My child lost a child, how do I comfort you when I am hurting for you?”
“Im sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. Everything will be okay. Eat your ice cream, you need to drink your medication.” He kisses my hand. We pass the supermarket for my snacks then he drives us home. Sabs calls me to them, he is with my colleagues and friends.
“You can sit with your friends.” Papa says and  I smile.
“Did you guys eat?”
“You know Sabs is your sister, we are sorted.” Nelly teases, we sit out until the evening, I walk them out and get in the house with Sabs. The rest of the people start leaving late in the evening, Sabs took leave to be with me.
“Ore, tomorrow we are going to get cleansed, Abuti Oratile will be going with you to Pretoria in 2 weeks.” Papa.
“I thought Sabs was.” I ask sulking, I don’t want to go with Abuti, his the deputy dad and he takes his role seriously, I can’t wait for him to get married.
“I thought I was your favourite brother.” He asks surprised.
“I love you Abuti Oratile.” Sabs and I laugh, I hurt myself.
“You haven’t eaten all day Ore.” Mama.
“I had chips and nuts, I feel full. Night family.” Sabs and I go to my room, he sleeps almost immediately. My guilt keeps me up.
Mama wakes me up at 4am. I put on a dress and doek, she and Papa drive me to the church, the prophetess asks for the baby name. Papa says his name is Olorato. I look up and smile at him, we pray and phahla then I am put in a bath. “He was not of this world. You know that boy would have made your life hell.” The prophet, he stares at me, makes me feel strange.
I get water to use for the week then we leave. Mama asks that we get muffins and bread for breakfast. Mama gets into the store alone.
“How do you feel?” Papa.
“I am okay.”
“Do you want to see someone?” Papa.
“No sir, I will let you know if that changes. I’d love a car upgrade though.”
“I will see about that. You are always scheming.” Papa laughs.  We arrive home and my siblings are cleaning the house, mama makes food. My brother’s go and fetch my clothes and other things at the apartment.
The following days I spend with my parents. Sabs and my siblings come on the weekends. It feels good to be at home, well if I don’t count Nkosi’s sister who posted me on socials saying I trapped her brother and got him arrested. I have been trending, I deactivated my accounts and switched off my phone after our local radio station and newspaper called me for an interview to respond to the allegations.
Last week however, my mother, Lewatle and I were ambushed outside the gate on our way to the hospital. By a news crew, I suspect that Nkosi’s sister gave them our address. The Langa uncle came that afternoon to talk to my parents, Papa wanted nothing to do with them. Papa gave him the gift bag, Nkosi’s sister brought. He left his numbers and asked Papa to call him if he changes his mind.
I am now packing my last bag, tomorrow morning Abuti Oratile and I are driving to Pretoria and he will fly back in 2 days. Papa is taking us out for dinner, I think it’s a bad idea since the reports are everywhere. I guess, that price I pay for dating a Langa.