I'm Gonna Be Ready

I'm sorry

Ore
“Lewatle, if you are crying this much what must the baby do?” My mother reprimands. Abuti Lereko and I laugh, I regret that because it hurts my abdomen.
“Mama, you know Lewatle is the baby here.” I go sit in my room, as a mourning parent. Mama and Sabs are by my side.
“Mama, we got an opening for Monday morning, Oratile and I are going to the shops.” My father whispers.
“Thank you. Please call Lewatle for me.” Mama says, my head has been down since my father walked in. There’s commotion as my father leaves the room. I side eye Sabs and he gets up to go see, the voices get louder. I stand up but mama tells me to sit down.
“Nkosi’s family is outside.” My aunt tells no one in particular. Mama fixes the blanket on my shoulders. Male shoes walk in followed by a woman’s then another male and a female. They greet, mama responds and Sabs sits next to me, he tightly holds my shaky hand.
“We are here because our son messed up in your family, he didn’t send us but as his parents we are here to try rectify his mistakes.” The man.
“Mistake you say, my child nearly died because of your son and you are calling it a mistake? What about my grandson?” My father’s voice sternly says. I didn’t hear him walk in.
“Mr Letswheni, my apologies for my wording. We are here to ask for forgiveness and offer assistance with the funeral. We would like to pay for the cleansing and lobolo of the child.” His aunt.
“We don’t need your help, I will bury my grandson. You can leave unless you are able to remove these scars my child has, the pain she is feeling, or bring back her son alive, please leave.” My father stands.
“We will come back tomorrow,to give you time to cool down.” His father.
“My grandson is coming home tomorrow, you can come next week. Mama Ore must eat, I will be back.” My father walks out.
“Ore, I am sorry for what Nkosi did, I am ashamed.” his sister says. I don’t respond nor do I lift my head, she puts a gift bag in front of me.
“We will be on our way, what time is the baby coming tomorrow?” his uncle asks. My aunt answers them, they leave.
“At least it’s good chocolates, this outfit is also beautiful.” Sabs comments opening the box of chocolates. Mama takes the white fur onesie, it’s beautiful and this breaks my heart. I cry, my chest hurts.
“Get her inhalers.” Mama shouts, I can’t breathe, the harder I try to breathe it hurts.
“Nana, take a deep breath.” My mother says. I struggle to take deep breaths, Sabs gives me my inhaler and I puff twice, my chest still hurts. Mama helps me get out of the blanket and stand up. My breathing gets better after Abuti Lereko plugs the nebuliser for me. I take a nap after the medication finishes.
“Is she sleeping?”
“Yes, she had an attack.” Mama.
“The smoke from the fire must have made her worse. If I ever see that boy again, I will strangle him. My baby is suffering, look at her mama.” My father sniffs. I feel mama moving.
“We will be okay, all of us. We have each other.” Mama, they stay silent for a few minutes. I slowly turn, avoiding hurting myself, I get up to go to the bathroom to change my pad, it’s dark outside.
“Ore, is everything okay?” Lewatle knocks on the door.
“Yes.” I take a deep breath and flush then I  wash my hands and exit.
“Must I warm your food?” Lewatle asks, she followed me to the kitchen.
“No, did Sabs leave? Where is my phone?”
“Sabs will be back tomorrow morning, your phone was broken. I have your simcard.” Lewatle is interrupted by my aunt who says I must be in the bedroom.
“Leave the child alone Nomsa. It’s  only us in the house. My father says walking past us.
Lewatle and I go to my bedroom, she gives me my laptop and I check emails. Abuti Lereko and Oratile join us in the bedroom. They update us that everything is paid for ready. My guilt keeps me up, I end up watching TV when everyone is sleeping.
Today is the day of the funeral, my son was killed by his father, adulting is hard. My father hasn’t said a word to me since we got home, I am in the car with him and Sabs, arriving at the cemetery, Sabs helps me out of the car, we sit next to my mama and Lewatle. My father carries the small coffin alone, my uncle is behind him. Lewatle’s touch brings me back, we pour sand and flowers in the hole. I am led back to my chair. My father walks to the back and he kneels, my uncle follows him, so do I.