Pain consumes me, it rips me apart with no regard. He once made my stomach fill with fire with just one glance but now my body is frozen like ice. If I were told I wasn't breathing I wouldn't question it,I swear my heart no longer beats. I am as dead as he is, I am as dead as my beloved husband. I had known he had left this earth the moment I awoke. I couldn't feel his warmth, I wasn't surrounded by his love. I was alone, I didn't need to check his pulse nor touch his skin. His eyes are closed, he looks peaceful like he's in a deep sleep. That's one kindness I suppose. He had joked that he was like snow white and a kiss from his true love would awaken him from his death like slumber but his lips were cold against mine, he was really gone.
Since our wedding we had discussed our theories about the afterlife, we both had different opinions but both agreed life didn't end when the body did. I take comfort in the fact he was ready to pass, he wanted to reunite with his father and tell him of his success both professionally and personally. He told me he believed the afterlife was like a wild party that never ended in broken bones or a hangover. He told me he would play drums all day as he watched over me. He had been so sure that his spirit would visit me that he could spectate my life. Right now I just want to be there with him, I cannot imagine what life will be like with him not here.
It's been only an hour since Arks body was collected but it feels as though I have been a widow for months. I had managed to muster the strength to go to Arks mother and daughter to inform them that he had passed. They like me had known the end was near so had been living with us so they could spend as much time with him as they could. His daughter had screamed as she saw his lifeless body, his mom Betty had pulled up a stool by the bed and simply held his hand. I couldn't call everyone who deserved to know before the press released the story so I called Maggie and entrusted her with letting the band and Ark's friends know.
I can feel only pain, everything else around me is a blur. I don't even notice my parents arrive until mum lifts a black maxi dress over my head. I had never thought about the fact I was opening the door and greeting the undertakers in underwear. I don't recall any strange looks but then again I wasn't paying attention, I was like a ghost haunting the house.
Dad pulls me into his arms and holds me tight, I let the tears fall down my face. My dad's chest heaves, I look up and he is crying too. I look around me and the kitchen is full of crying faces. Ark had once commented that no one would cry when he died but he was wrong. He had made a huge impact on everyone he met, he didn't see how special he was.
Betty keeps herself busy by making food and coffee, I want to offer my help but I don't think I can stand. I knew this day was coming, I had thought I was prepared but no planning could prepare you to lose the person you love. The room is quiet and I hate it, these people are usually so boisterous and overbearing so it feels wrong. Ark would hate this, hate everyone crying and putting me.
"Do you remember the time Chad super glued Arks drumsticks to his hand" I say aloud, everyone looks at me in surprise. I think it's the first I've spoken. I hear a few laughs scatter through the kitchen. I remember Ark complaining how sore his hands were when I had arrived in Vegas the first time, he had told me the story and I had been appauled. Little did I know that was tame behaviour for them.
"Oh he was so mad, he cut ludos ponytail off in revenge thinking it was him" Chad adds.
"He said he didn't realise it was me" Ludo says recalling when Ark had brought the hair into the bathroom when I had given ludo an impromptu haircut.
"I was there when he asked the stylist for the scissors, he said he was getting you back" chad is full on laughing. I smile , this is what Ark would want is all reminiscing about the good times not crying.
"I miss the mowhawk, do you think you still have the skills" ludo asks me hopefully.
I shake my head "no way old man, keep your natural curls"
"Yeah us girls would kill for your hair" Maggie states pulling at her own short greying mop.
"If you insist"
"Hey are you saying I look like a girl" ludo says finally realising what Maggie had said.
"Did I tell you about the time I caught Noah and Ludo smoking organo at church" Betty asks, I shake my head. I don't remember this story at least.
Ludo rolls his eyes " here we go"
"The boys were 13 and had started getting serious about their music, they started dying their hair and piece by piece their wardrobe was turning black and moody. Noah had been grounded by his father when he walked in one day with a hoop through his septum. His dad said he looked like a bull and proceeded to pull him with it to his bedroom, in all fairness the noises he made weren't that different from ones of a bull"
"He was grounded for two weeks and that meant he couldn't leave the house other than school and church. He rebelled and climbed out of the window, he was brought back by the police an hour later when he had been caught stealing beer. Melvin was furious he said he would have to admit his sins at church that Sunday and hope god forgives him. Noah came down the Sunday morning in a black metal tshirt, ear piercings he had done himself and wearing his sister's black eyeliner. Melvin knew he wanted a reaction so he didn't give him one. You should have seen the looks we got when we entered the church, everyone looked at us like noah was going to set alight. The pastor even made comments about rock music and it's link to the devil, the comments were obviously aimed at us.
After the service we headed to the potluck and I lost track of ludo and Noah. Melvin went looking for them and came back laughing, it was rare to see that man laugh so I was intrigued. He passed me a small sandwich bag of oregano and said he had caught the boys smoking it. They had told him it wasn't theirs and they had found it in the kitchen. They had assumed it was pot so Melvin didn't correct them, instead he added another week's to Noah's punishment.
Noah and Ludo walked back to the food and attacked it like they had munchies, they were exhibiting all the typical side affects to marijuana use. They truly thought they were stoned, ludo even donned sunglasses so his mom wouldn't see his diluted pupils. "
The room erupts into laughter as Betty finishes her story.
Ludo joins in the laughter before announcing "I tell you the munchies were real, we craved Italian food for the rest of the day"
