"It's not awkward, it will be fine it's not awkward" I repeat the mantra in my head as I join the band at the exhibit. They all greet me with hugs and kisses all apart from Ludo, he doesn't even look at me.
"Well this is awkward" Robbii comments.
"What's up with him" chad asks.
We pose for photos outside the main room, this is not how I had expected today to go.
"He told Rose he loved her she rejected him" Robbii replies quietly so only we can hear.
"I did not reject him"
"Yeah you did, twice" Robbii adds.
"I was wondering how long it would take" chads comment has me confused, I forget about the photos and turn to him.
"What, you knew"
"Everyone knows" Maggie adds as she moves my head so I'm facing the flashing cameras.
I know my eyes must be the size of space ships. How did I not know this.
"Can you all shut the fuck up" Ludo hisses.
"It's about time you grew some balls and told her, ark will be pissed that you waited so long" chad once again shocks me.
"Ark"
"Ark told him no Ark demanded that he tell you how he felt"
"Ark knew" I can hardly speak.
"He gave his blessing, more than once. That man loved you both and wanted you to be happy above all else" Maggie gives me a sad smile.
"Is it true" I ask ludo, he doesn't look at me. I move so im stood in his face
Ludo looks uncomfortable, this is awkward and totally the wrong place but I need to know.
"Fuck this, can we just go in now" ludo fumes before walking away from the cameras.
Maggie announced that the group photos are over and we enter the large club where there is Ryder memorabilia. There are instruments, outfits, iconic props from music videos and even music awards. This room is ark, it's his whole career. It's amazing, I have seen it all set up but it's a different experience seeing it with the band and our family.
"It's wonderful" mom hugs me, her eyes are watering as are mine.
"Your an amazing woman, this is just amazing. You've done my son proud, noah would love this" Betty doesn't cry, she's beaming with pride.
"I'm proud to be his wife, every day I miss him more"
" Don't waste your life grieving Rose, I know for a fact that Noah would want you to embrace love again. when you get a second chance at love you grab it with both hands and fuck anyone who is against you" betty looks behind me and raises her eyebrows suggestively. I turn and see Ludo, I turn back and Betty smiles knowingly.
"You said fuck, you never swear"
"Sometimes cuss words are required to get the point across"
How does she know, how does everyone know about Ludos feelings for me. Have I been blind all these years. Part of me had believed he was gay as I've never seen him with a woman, he didn't bedhop like the others.
I push my tormented love life to the back of my mind, tonight is about the band and remembering my husband. I make the rounds and greet our friends and family, everyone comments on how special the collection is. I still when I reach the wall that's all about Ark and his life, his memory wall. There are photos from his childhood, photos with his first drum set, paparazzi photos some photos of ark and I. It's hard seeing the photo of our wedding day, it had been both the best and worst day of my life. I had married my love but it was also the countdown to my new title of widow.
Flashback
Why does he look so good in leather, I wonder why he's able to practically live in his leather jacket and not overheat. He always looks perfectly cool and collected. I adore this man and I can't wait to be his wife. With all the band rehearsals it had been easy to plan out secret wedding, when I had been looking for venues I remembered ark telling me it has been his childhood dream to get married at sea. When I saw the boat named Rosebud I knew it was meant to be.
The guest list was exclusive, i invited only family and friends which of course meant the other three members of Ryder and their families were in attendance. Ark had believed me when I declared that I had booked us a pirate boat experience for the day. He had been so excited he even dressed accordingly in black skin tight jeans, a white flowing shirt and his famous worn leather jacket. I had worn a simple white cotton maxi dress, a red rose was placed in my hair. It was funny leaving the hotel when he told me I didn't look like a ordinary pirate wench that I looked more like a bride.
We step out of the car and it's magnificent, the sails are up and the old wood shines in the sun.
"Will you marry me? I take his hand in mine as I ask him the biggest question of our life.
"Babe I would marry you right here, right now"
Chad appears from behind and puts his hands on Arks shoulders "that's the plan brother"
Our guests surround us as we climb in to the antique pirate ship. Ark searches my eyes, he's checking that this is what I really want. I know he will think I'm doing this because he's dying but I'm not, I love him and I want to be his wife.
"You didn't lie about the pirate ship, this is fucking cool"
"Noah don't cuss Infront of the priest" Betty scolds.
"Sorry, let's get this started shall we before my bride changes her mind"
A makeshift alter is at the front of the boat, we're not exchanging vows until we're out at sea so whilst we wait we enjoy drinks and dance with our friends.
"You look beautiful Ro" ludo tells me as he takes my hand in his, he twirls me around the designated dancefloor. He's surprisingly a great dancer.
"You look very handsome, I've never seen you in a suit" he's wearing a grey suit and his hair is in a neat bun at the back of his head.
"Had to make an effort for you didn't I"
"Thank you, you did remember the rings didn't you. That's your only job as best man.
"Would you be mad at me forever if I said no and the wedding had to be cancelled"
I smirk before giving him a death stare "our relationship would never recover."
Ludo takes a dramatic sigh before smiling and partying his jacket pocket "good job there here then"
We dance together to numerous songs until Ark taps his shoulder and tells us it's time for the wedding to start. Ludo zones out for a moment I don't think he will release my hand but he snaps back to reality quickly.
The ceremony is like a dream, the cliffs and the setting sun make the perfect backdrop.
"I do" I finally say. I can sense the flashes of cameras and the cheers of our guests but for that first kiss as husband and wife there is only the two of us in the whole world.
Champagne flows freely and some drink more than others, ludo drank that much that I didn't think he would be able to deliver his speech but he did.
"I think he's worried he is going to lose you" I comment as I see Ludo go further into himself, he's segregated himself from the rest of the party and just drinks in the corner.
Ark looks at Ludo and smiles knowingly "it's not loosing me that's the problem"
