Shattered pieces of glass tear at my feet as I pace the room like a woman possessed. I see a vase of roses and the anger takes over again, I throw the vase at the wall and continue to scream. I don't think I have ever been as mad as I am now. Wilted roses lay abandoned on the kitchen floor, just looking at the flower that had once meant so much to me and Ark now seems pointless. It's just a dead flower now.
"Jesus, what happened" ludo calls. I hadn't heard him enter the house, I thought I had been alone.
Before I can reply he scoops me up in his arms and throws me over his shoulder, it's like I weigh nothing at all. I kick and scream in protest but it's futile. He doesn't let me go until we're in the far end of the garden.
"Fuck your feet are in shreds" he drops me into a chair and surveys my feet. I hadn't even felt the pain, I hadn't noticed the blood until that moment.
"First aid kit" he demands. I point to the pool house. Ludo leaves and returns with wipes and bandages.
He gently wipes the slashes on my feet before adding band aids and bandages.
"It looks like someone has died " ludo states as he gestures his head at the house.
"What happened, why did you to that"
"Because Im mad, I want to bring ark back so I can kill him myself"
Ludo is taken back, "what have I missed"
"He pursued me, made me fall in love with him and then died" I yell.
Ludo pulls my head to him and strokes my hair gently.
"He didn't choose to die Ro, he wanted nothing more than to grow old with you"
"He knew he was going to die yet he still dated me, promised me a lifetime of happinesses"
"Ro he loved you, he wanted to spend what time he had left with you"
" That's not fair on me, he knew he would leave me alone yet he still convinced me to give him chance after chance. He should have been honest from the beginning"
"What if he had, what would it have changed"
"I wouldn't have dated him, I would have stayed at London and lived my life. Now I'm a 22 year old widow"
"You knew he was dying when you married him" ludo adds, he just doesn't get what I'm trying to say.
"If I would have known in the begining before I agreed to date him before I knew him, before I loved him I would have ended it. If I knew it would end with him in a box and me alone then I wouldn't have let it begin. He was selfish, he knew I would be left alone with nothing but pain"
Ludo doesn't say anything but I know that he agrees, how can he not.
"Most of all I'm angry that there are peadophiles, murders and other horrible evil people in this world that are still breathing and my wonderful, loving husband is dead"
"It's not fair, I know" ludo kisses the top of my head before quickly moving away. I look up at him and he suddenly seems nervous.
"Sorry"
I shrug "it's fine, you haven't done anything wrong you only kissed my head"
Ludo nods but it's clear that he's now uncomfortable.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, the cool night air is a welcome distraction. We watch as the cats play together on the grass, I think about ark and what he would be doing if he were here. I think he would be drinking a glass of whisky as he read or listened music. if he were well and not ill he would be making love to me.
"I miss him too" ludo says quietly, I say. I have been so self centered, I had never thought about ludos grief only my own. Ludo and ark had been friends since they were children. Ofcourse he would also feel incomplete without ark. I wonder if he also feels out of place in Arks home without ark being present.
"Oh ludo, I'm so sorry. How have you been coping"
Ludo shrugs "I don't think I've accepted it yet, I still expect to see him sat with his feet hanging in the pool with a glass in his hand"
"Do you want to get out of here" I jump up and pull at his arm. Ludo laughs as I struggle to pull him to his feet.
"Where do you want to go"
"Someplace where I don't see Ark, somewhere I've never been with him. I see him everywhere I look. Memories come flooding back and it's too hard. I need to go somewhere new"
"Ro, I've travelled the world with him. His ghost is everywhere for me"
"There must be somewhere you haven't gone" I push.
"Alaska" he says absentmindedly.
"Alaska it is, I'll grab a coat"
"You cannot be serious"
