I smile at him, truly and surely. I am happy with my answer, with this resolution. I am happy with what I have done today.
I am also tired. Not just physically tired either. My heart, my brain, my soul, they're desperate to rest. To have a break from the constant worrying and shame and guilt that follows me everywhere I go. They're tired from the emotion that lives inside my hollow bones and my hungry stomach. They're tired from something they can never fully escape from. They're also tired from the boy I love.
My heart and my brain and my soul need a rest, a simple break, from Sunny.
"I think I might be supposed to be home for dinner by now... Bye Sunny, my love. Remember, I love you." I say, trying to make my voice sound as full of love and happy as it usually is when talking to him, but I know it doesn't sound genuine, and I know he knows that. But even so, I'll keep up the façade. I'll keep the façade up, but only for Sunny's sake.
"Bye." He doesn't add an I love you. He doesn't say three extra words. It's fine. He forgot. He simply forgot to say he loves me. Because he doesn't and it's just pity. But that's okay. He just forgot. Everyone forgets things. He forgot to say he loved me because he doesn't love me and if he doesn't love me he hates me, and oh God, the boy of my dreams, my perfect Sunny, my meaning to life, hates me, and I wish I was dead, so I break down in tears in front of him.
He sees me crying, because of course he sees me crying, I'm crying in front of him, do you think he's blind or something?
"Basil, what is wrong?" He asks, voice full of concern and worry and pity. Tons, and tons of pity.
I look up at him, knowing my pale skin is tinted red, my eyes are wet, and there is anger in my face like there never has been, so I would not be surprised if I looked absolutely insane right now. I mean, Sunny is looking at me like I am insane.
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong." I say firmly.
"Are you sure?" He asks.
"Yes. I'm sure. I'm okay, nothing is wrong, everything is fine. Bye. I love you, I do, even though you don't love me. Bye, my love." I say, and leave, before I can hear the fact that he will forget to say he loves me again.
The air outside of his warm house is slightly chilled, wind softly blowing, pushing my blonde bangs back, the hairs on my bare arms standing up due to the lower temperature. It feels empty. It feels lonely. It feels strangely okay. I am without Sunny and his love and the sun isn't shining and it's cold as hell but I'm not dead or dying. I'm just okay.
And maybe okay is enough.
Maybe okay is better than insane.
I still love Sunny, and I doubt I will ever leave him, I doubt I will ever stop loving him, and I doubt I will ever give up on the idea of him being just as in love - just as obsessed - with me as I am with him. But I'm loosing faith, and grasping at strings. I am not quite accepting, but I am giving myself the chance to realize that I am being left alone, at least for now.
And I think I'll survive this. I think I'll survive being left alone. I think I'll survive being without my Sunny for a bit. I won't survive unchanged, I won't be the same by the time he loves me again, but I will be okay. It's going to be okay, but it's going to be different. It's going to be different, but it's going to be okay.
I'm going to be okay.
I arrive home in time for dinner, not that dinner is anything big. Frozen pizza that Polly has reheated that I don't eat much of.
She's talking with a friend again, just like last night.
I would pray to God to send me a friend, but that's not how this works. You can pray all you want for a friend, for the only boy you have loved to come to you, but it's you who has to do the work. If you want something, you have to get it yourself. You have to fulfill your own prayers.
I wanted Sunny, so I broke into his house, tried to fix him, tried to love him, tried to make him okay, tried to get him to love me, and I still wasn't happy.
Oh fuck.
Wow.
I prayed every day for four fucking years, and god did not give me what I wanted, and I went and took it myself, I thought that I would know better than him, and what do I get?
I get a Sunny who doesn't love me.
I get a Sunny who pities me.
I get a Sunny who thinks I'm insane.
This is the punishment I have been served for not sucking it up and accepting that everything will come at the time when it is right to come, and maybe that time is not at all, and maybe that was the last time I will ever see my Sunny, and maybe that is what is right and good.
So I have to accept that.
That I fucked up big time and am being punished by God, the god I have prayed to, so that I could once again have my Sunny, who never gave me what I wanted, is punishing me.
He gave me happiness and just as quick took it away.
But do I really deserve anything better than that?
Do I really deserve to live a punishment free life?
I have not earned my happiness, and therefore, should not have been granted that reward, and trying to take it myself was disgustedly selfish.
So, God.
Punish me.
(998 words)
a/n- soooo
uh
if i ever go on break for a while its cause i got in trouble with my parents
anyway
how would you guys feel if i added insane smut that kind of serves the plot but obviously not completely necessary so like if you skip it theres no problems?
cause the fourteen year old hormones are hormoning
ALSO IM GOING OFF MY ANTI DEPRESSANTS!!!
you can add me on discord at verysadbug
or tip me on cashapp at AsherTheProblem
thank you for reading!!!
