My friendship with Aubrey, if you can even call it that, is something that I've never experienced before. I mean, I've had friendships before, and I've been friends with Aubrey before but this is so different to what I've experienced before.
I feel accepted in a way I haven't before, and that's nice, but it's more than that. It's a new feeling, one I am entirely unfamiliar with, and it feels weird inside my stomach, it makes me want to cry and laugh all at the same time. Aubrey has been my enemy for so long, and yet I trust her. I want her to hug me again, I want to tell her my deepest and darkest secrets, I want to pull up my sleeves in front of her, I want her to laugh with me and for us to be teenagers together, I want us to just have fun together.
I want to be normal with her.
I want a real connection.
I want to put this Something shit behind me, at least for a bit.
I want to go a bit without longing for a blade, I want to go a bit without remembering how lonely I am, I want to not be lonely.
I want to be a normal 16 year old boy for once.
And maybe I can be a normal 16 year old boy with Aubrey.
I love Sunny, sure, but right now, I can't connect with him, especially not after what he said to me. I can't believe someone as perfect as Sunny would say that to me. I know my feelings deserve to be hurt, and that is was true, but still. It fucking hurts.
He is broken, and I can't fix him, not until he wants to be fixed. If he wants to get out of that stupid bedroom and see the real world, if he wants to make an effort, then I will be there for him. But until then, until he starts making an effort, I will be focusing on a thing that I can actually work towards doing, which is fixing myself.
So I can be perfect for Sunny.
At the end of the day, really, everything I do is for Sunny. I'm just looking at it slightly differently, and I like how I'm looking at it.
"We should do something stupid?" I tell Aubrey, perhaps a bit too excited.
"Like what? Like digging up a grave? Because I will not hesitate to pin you down and rip your eyes out of your fucking skull." She says, her voice serious, but not threatening me. She's simply making a promise.
I look down, and slightly sigh, but I won't be a coward. I'll look into her eyes and make a point to make a change. She has to know that I want to be her friend, that we are on the same team.
"No. I want to just like... I want to be friends with you. I want to do what friends do, and to be completely honest with you, I have no idea what friends do because I haven't had a single friend for the past four years. But I want to be done with only focusing on my grief and Mari's death. I want to be a normal 16 year old boy." I tell her.
She laughs and rolls her eyes, but it seems friendly, not antagonistic. "Basil, you are the farthest thing from normal... but sure, we can do stupid shit together. I think it could be fun."
I smile at her, grinning stupidly. "Can I hug you?"
She nods. "Yeah, of course. You don't have to ask, you know. But you do you."
"Thank you, thank you so much Aubrey." I tell her, wrapping my arms around her body.
She hugs me back, and I feel stupidly happy. I've made peace with the girl who was my enemy for four years, just like that. This is a step in the right direction, steps I hope to continue to take. Steps I hope will make me a better person for Sunny, and maybe, maybe even for myself.
"You're welcome, Basil." She says softly, and I can feel the tenderness in her heart as she speaks.
Deep down, she's just as hurt as me. Deep down, she needs healing just as much as I need healing. Deep down, we're really the same.
She grabs me tighter, and our embrace changes from her holding me through my sorrow to me holding her. She rests her head on my shoulder as she sobs into me. Her body shakes with loud sobs, but I do my best to keep her steady, stroking her long hair, keeping her and her fragility in my arms.
"I'm so sorry..." She mumbles between loud sobs, going on and on, mumbling feelings of grief, regret, and self hatred. "Oh, Basil, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry, I'm a terrible person, I'm sorry, I should've been better, I'm terrible, I should be dead instead of her, she didn't deserve it, I do. Basil, I am so sorry... look at me, I'm so... I'm so fucking unlovable."
"You're not." I assure her. "You're really not. Look, Aubrey, I love you, despite what you've put me through."
She sinks deeper into my arms, starting to cry harder. "She wouldn't love me after what I've done to you. To... to everyone. I'm a fucking monster, Basil, a disgusting piece of shit."
I hug her closer to me, continuing to comfort her, saying, "No, Aubrey, you're not a monster, you're a hurt teenage girl, and life has been so unkind to you. You're still learning, still growing. People will forgive you."
She goes silent, and then looks up at me, face red and wet, "Do you forgive me?"
"Of course." I smile at her sweetly, "You're still Aubrey, aren't you? Despite it all, it's still you. And I like you. A lot."
She wipes her face of tears, and smiles back at me. "Thank you. I don't deserve it, but thank you."
I tell her, "If we only gave people what they deserved, no one would have anything."
(1012 words)
a/n- sorry this came out late! i've just been... a bit silly recently. sorry.
anyway, im 15 now, so thats cool :3
my discord is verysadbug feel free to add me!
my cashapp is AsherTheProblem if you'd like to tip me
bleh
idk what i'm doing with this story yall im just writing whatever i want to
also i might get put on more meds helpppp
btw i wrote this in math class everyone say thank you mrs. beerman for being so fucking boring that it forced me to finially write
