march 30th 2024 00:38
Did you know i dreamt about you all the time? For years, you haunted my dreams and often was part of the sadness and grief i feel in the morning when i wake up. In every single one of them, ever since fifth grade, we were friends. We were talking. In one of them, i jumped in front of a bullet for you. But id never tell anyone that. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. But only god will know how much id still jump after you over a cliff just so i could cushion your fall.
In those dreams... you were always a kid. Always have been perpetually 10 years old. never aged up. Like i could never think of you as anything but a kid. And every morning i would wake up i grieve the loss of that boy.
A while ago, when i finally saw you past the age of fifteen, i dreamt about you again. In that dream you were still ten. Still so small. And we had talked in the dream. Only you didnt say anything and i did all the speaking. I left you in that dream. Coming back only to find that that boy was gone. Seeming as though he either killed himself like you would have in fifth grade, or just disappeared into the ground.
Its been months since that dream, and it still haunts me, because ever sicne then i never dreamt of you as a child anymore. I still dream of you. I dont think you will ever stop haunting my dreams, or my life. But ever since then, youve always been the tall cocky guy you are now. And it sucks. Because in all these new dreams, were talking. Friends maybe. But i wake up and we come back to strangers and i dont know if i want that or not.
I grieve the loss of the friendship we had. You will never not hve been part of my life and theres no way to erase what ever had happened. And to you maybe it was all nothing. But to me you will always be something that haunts me and my life.
