Every now and then the question of whether or not id like to have a family when i grow up pops up. Now more tahn ever especially bc; im turning 18 soon and im gonna b an adult amd ppl r gonna probs think i have life goals or smth,,, aand that im a girl and they'll all assume i want to be a mom. and i keep not knowing the answer.
Maybe it changes when you're in love. Maybe the love blinds you from what you really want. Bc in tenth grade i knew id say something else but deep down i knew i was just changing what i want so to not disappoint him. And especially after all of him, would i really think id be a good mom?? I enevr really thought about it. Especially now as a teenager.. i know things that i never did before. Would i be able to teach these to a kid? To apply the values ive learned ?? to even remember all the struggles ive had with my own parents so as to not repeat them with my own kids ??
Theres so much that comes into parenthood that i dont think i can just... /decide/ to want to want kids. With my current unstable mental state it feels so impossible to have that kind of desire. so difficult that i feel like this prediction will reach far into my mid twenties that i migth enver end up with children at all.
But the thing is... i dont really have a problem with that. the biggest thing here is that i think people around me will think im selfish for not wanting kids. "Why wouldnt you want kids? theyre sucha blessing!" "Whats so wrong with kids, theyre the best!" "It will change when you meet them, i promise!" And im sure it all comes from good intentions but its just
I dont feel like im good enough for myself. How am i going to be a good enough mother if i run the risk of projecting these feelings onto them?
