Big Book of Xephna One Shots

Guilty (S)

TW: Very Small Mention Of Blood, Ambiguous Angst

You start by working more.

He doesn't know why you suddenly throw yourself into your experiments and gadgets but you know and the guilt drives you crazy.

Next you just humm and fake a smile when he tells you that he loves you. Again, he doesn't notice and still greets you with a kiss on the cheek. The guilt gnaws at your gut and you feel like you will throw up when he grins up at you.

The next thing isn't purposeful or planned but it's just as ineffective. You wear the ring that somebody else gave you next to his ring. It's a small thing to him but it means a lot to you. The ring he gave you is heavy and you can't help but stare at it. You don't want to hurt him but you want him to figure it out. Again, the guilt eats at you.

You begin sleeping in the spare bedroom. He's concerned at this but you deny anything is wrong and make up an excuse about "not wanting to wake him up after you're up all night." He buys the excuse even though you internally beg him not to. You don't know why you keep lying when you so very much want to be caught. You want to cry but even you aren't that selfish.

You begin to think he's trying to buy your attention and affection. He makes you the biggest breakfast he can manage and gives you interesting machinery that he finds. You try to decline them with a smile but he doesn't take no for an answer. You don't eat the food, the guilt takes up too much space in your stomach. You want to yell and shout and tell him the truth but you can't. You don't want to hurt him. You go bed with an empty stomach but a heavy heart.

He starts to throw himself at you in a desperate attempt at what you assume is attention. His hands glide along your shoulders and traces patterns onto your back through your lab coat. You try to deny him but his face crumples and you can't do it. You can't say no and you can't tell him the truth. You're a horrible person and you tell yourself that as he sleeps with an arm draped over your bare chest. You want to crawl back to your own bed but his arm is a moral weight that holds you down and stops you from leaving.

You throw in more hints. Trips last weeks and you return with scratches on your back and bruises on your shoulders. He shakes his head with a laugh and sits you down. "Be more careful!" he says as he gently washes away the wounds that you asked for. "You have armour, you should use it." You could tell him right there and then that the scratches aren't from hostile mobs but you don't. Once again, the words stick in your throat and refuse to leave your tongue. You fake a laugh and nod, promising to wear your armour next time. He makes you a new set of diamond armour. You nearly cry. You don't wear it.

You get thinner and he gets more worried. Your work suffers but you don't care any more. You're a horrible person doing a horrible thing. You could stop at any time but you don't, you keep going back for more and more. You could confess at any time but you don't, you keep lying and lying.

_____________________

The guilt and self-hatred builds up inside of you like poison as you visit them more and more and hurt him more and more. It kills you from the inside until one day you just can't take it. You're eating the dinner he so lovingly made when it happens. He's telling you about his day and how much he misses you when you're on long trips when the words tumble out of your lips.

"I've been cheating on you."

A tidal wave of relief washes over you as the words echo around the small kitchen. You force down the feeling as you watch his face crumple. You wonder if he's known all along or if this is really a surprise for him. You selfishly hope for the former.