Big Book of Xephna One Shots

Alone In The Dark (S)

TW: Blindness, characters death, suicide, ANGST

Something bad was bound to happen. Sooner or later. It was obvious that all his mad experiments would be the end of him. But it was so much worse than that.

He was surrounded in never ending darkness. He finally understood Xephos' fear of the dark. He now wished he hadn't laughed about spaceman's obsession with torches and light. Lalna would give everything just to see that bright flame just one more time. He didn't appreciate the light when he had it and now it was all gone.

After the accident, he slowly became more and more depressed. He was a scientist. He observed the world around him with his eyes and deductions. How could he possibly live on if he couldn't even get undressed by himself? All these little things he didn't notice before, now were so much more difficult. He couldn't tell if it was day or night when he woke up, he couldn't tell if it was time to go to bed when he was tired. The list of things he couldn't do without help was now endless.

Xephos was at his side. He left the factory and tried to spend every waking hour next to Lalna. Not because the man could hurt himself, but because he seemed so lost when he didn't feel spaceman right next to him.

From "not good", his state became terrible. Everyone had told him he might get his sight back, but it didn't happen. Not after a week, nor a month. Now it has been a year and yet there he was. Still surrounded by darkness.

Xephos never said it out loud, but Lalna felt, that the spaceman was tired of looking after him. Every now and then there were arguments about tiny things, like what should they have for dinner, or should they go for a walk. Xephos tried to be calm, but even the strongest people break.

"I thought you would get your sight back! I can't be your babysitter forever, Lalna. It's been a year, but you haven't learned how to do the simplest things. You complain how hard it is, but do you ever think about how hard it is for me?"

He had said one night, after Lalna asked if he could have some help with finding his goggles. Xephos probably could've said more, but Lalna's sobbing made him realise what he had done. He couldn't apologise enough and even though scientist said it was fine, that last string of strength inside of him broke. "So that's how he feels."

And just few weeks after that, there he was. Sitting at the dinner table. Alone. Xephos had gone to bed early. The accident replayed itself in his mind again and again.

***

"I'll just add a bit more of this and maybe that one as well..."

He mumbled quickly scribbling something on a piece of paper while pouring bright blue liquid in a bottle. He didn't even get to finish the sentence when loud hissing came from the bottle. He remembered thinking "not good" right before the bottle exploded and most of its content landed on his face. He remembered the burning feeling. Like someone had shoved his face in bright blue flames. He remembered Xephos' distant voice. And darkness.

"I can't see, Xeph... I will never be able to see again."

He had said after a few days of recovering. That's where it all started.

***

He had a handful of sleeping pills and a bottle of whiskey in front of him. This was just too hard. He thought he could live in the dark, but he couldn't. The world seemed so different when he didn't have a visual confirmation for what was around him. He just couldn't do it. He wasn't strong enough. And neither was Xephos. That last argument had broken them both completely. Both seemed lost and confused, unsure how to live on.

Lalna didn't want to live a life like this. He physically couldn't. The thought of being a burden, the thought of being someone who is just an obstacle in someone else's path was unbearable.

He swallowed a bunch of pills washing them down with the bitter whiskey. Lalna grabbed a pen and started writing on a paper he had taken with him. Slowly but surely he managed to scribble two words.

Xephos found him next morning. He didn't cry. Not anymore. There were no tears left. All this time he had cried, hoping Lalna would get better. He had cried himself to sleep, he had swallowed tears when scientist was around, as if afraid he would somehow know. He pretended to be strong, not for Lalna, no; the man was too broken to care. Xephos did it for himself. He thought if he could fake it, he would eventually become strong enough to carry them both. Thought he could share his strength. But he couldn't. He was too slow, too weak from the very beginning. He brought Lalna down.

Next to his cold body, Xephos had found the note. He knew he had the permission to move on. He knew Lalna forgave him for not being strong enough to get through it all. And if Lalna could forgive him for his sins, he could eventually forgive himself.

"I'm sorry."

Credit to flufs on tumblr