Start over | Kim Seungmin

06: Thoughts

"...!" You shook awake at the thunder from the house, you sat up on your bed, realizing you've been sweating the whole time, you controlled your breaths before getting up and going out if your room for water.

You looked around, you were alone in the house, you checked if there's food but there was only leftovers your mother had made, you sighed at the frozen food, hoping for a warm one. But there was no choice as it would take too much energy to cook, and it seems like your mom wouldn't be home any time soon.

You stared at the moving container from the microwave and the reflection of yourself.

In your eyes, you had always looked sad, your eyes were always either down or emotionless, you stared at your sad face in the microwave, damn, do I really look like that when I'm sick? You thought.

You blinked at the sight before looking away as you took the heated meal out of the beeping machine.

"Skkrt..." The chair sounded as you dragged it, you held your face in your hands as your taste buds dismissed the food that was supposed to be flavorful. It was such a pathetic state to see.

I thought in my head as I took out the food, I ate alone yet again, just like in school. 'Is it all my fault..? I wasn't always the one to come to them when I need help... I felt distant to them and it's my fault we grew apart...'

You started to cry again, you felt miserable, both sick and constantly overthinking... But maybe, it was the truth?

You sobbed quietly as you ate the food, not being able to control your feelings and thoughts.

You were definitely not at fault here, your parents were. You did the best you could as a child, you tried to please your parents by ensuring that you got perfect attendance in school and making sure that you looked like the best student. But did your parents ever try to look into your problems? Did they bother being concerned? No..

You were supposed to be treated better than this... You deserved better.

You stopped eating as the thought were getting harder to process, you covered your face, the tears continued to fall down yet you kept trying to finish your food-- quickly before they see their pathetic looking daughter again.

You could hear footsteps coming closer to your direction, it seemed like either your mother was coming home. It was too late to hide your tears as they would obviously see how you looked like when they got home.

Suddenly, the door opened without a single knock before your mother stepped inside with a few groceries, she stared at you in silence before speaking.

"Have you eaten at all?" She asked with a harsh tone, her voice was cold and harsh.

Your shivering figure flinched, but you didn't do anything about the tears, you didn't want to smile when you couldn't, so you just turned away awkwardly, looking down at the microwaved food "Here I'm eating right now..."

Your voice mumbled, trying to distract her from the fact you were crying, even if she didn't care it still felt uncomfortable on your end.

Your mother stayed silent for a moment as she glanced at the microwave food you were currently eating, her face was now filled with concern however her tone remained harsh as you could feel a slight hint of irritation from her.

"Why didn't you wait for us to come back? You should've waited for us to cook dinner for you..."

'My fault again...' You pursed your lips together.

"I'm sorry I woke up earlier... I had to take medicines too..." You looked down, your tone was scared and apologetic, you wanted to ask about the medications and when you should take them, but you refrained with no reason other than discomfort.

Your apology only dug your mother's guilt further and further, to be fair, you shouldn't apologize... She was supposed to be the adult here, she was supposed to be the one to help you and provide you with everything... But instead, she didn't.

She swallowed hard as she stayed silent for a few moments, ignoring her own guilt as she spoke once more.

"But did you take the medicines yet?"

You nodded and you had your head low, you were silent the whole time in front of her, unlike when it was with father. Why were you like this? You thought.

"I'm going back to sleep now." You said with a dry tone as you got up, you washed the dishes and store the medicine

"..." You turned to her, taking a deep breath as your eyes filled with hesitation, you quickly turned around "I- I'll be in my room, i-if you need anything..."

You sighed, you wanted to say good night... But you couldn't bring myself to say it...

Your mother had no words left, she simply watched you as you washed your dishes and put away the medicine before you said that you were going back to sleep. The silence made everything a bit awkward for her, but she kept her mouth shut as she stayed quiet.

You had your door opened without realizing, you passed out right after the medicine, yet your temperature only dropped slightly, you just had to be patient.

Extra

Y/n had already been deep asleep when her mother entered her opened room, she hesitated to take a step but eventually made it close to her daughter, she sat on the side of her bed, observing y/n before she went closer, leaning on the wall and sighed when she felt a grip tugging her night gown.

Her mother then wrapped one arm around y/n's shoulder, not holding her too tightly, but she was giving some comfort, she could've sworn a smile crossed y/n's face.

She began to smile also.

"I'm sorry dear."

She sighed deeply, both in relaxation and sadness, it was as if y/n was a little child again, asking for a mother's comfort in the dark.