My Temptation

13

J A N E

Hayley and I have been hanging out with Jackson and Mason the last 3 days and I can't even lie, it's been good. It's been taking my mind off of things for the most part, it's a good distraction... but when I'm at home alone, that's when the sadness and thoughts start creeping in.

I just wish I could've seen him before he left, maybe we could've talked and worked something out - at least that's what I tell myself everyday. Every night when I get home and the house is empty, I go and sit in his old room, I sit on his bed and I'm not sure if it's my mind playing tricks on me or what but, it's like sometimes I can still smell his scent. 

Now I know for a fact that he blocked me, because I caved in late last night and texted him, all I said was hey but my message didn't even deliver. It hurt me bad but I forced myself to delete his number and delete our entire text thread so I wouldn't have any other temptation to reach out to him. Did I want to do that? No - absolutely not. I don't want to erase any memory I have of him but if I'm going to try and move on, then I'm going to have to erase any memory of him as best as I can.

•••

I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body after patting my skin dry. I comb through my wet hair then flip my hair back and forth before clipping it up. Walking out of the bathroom and to my closet, I walk in and look through my clothes. I pick out a pair of black jeans and a white shirt and toss them onto my bed from my closet then grab my favorite sandals. I walk out of my closet and quickly put on my undergarments' then my outfit, I apply deodorant and spray perfume before going back into the bathroom.

Once I finished getting ready for the day, I walk downstairs and into the kitchen but I'm interrupted by a knock at the door. My heart stops for a second as my mind immediately thinks it's Miles but I shake the thoughts out of my head and rush to the door, unlocking it then swinging it open. It's Mason... *sigh* 

"Hey Mason, what're you doing here?" I ask - and why the hell are you here by yourself? My inner voice asks as my eyes wonder around him noticing that Hayley nor Jackson is with him.

"I'm sorry for showing up unannounced Jane but I couldn't wait much longer to ask you this." He says clearly nervous which causes me to begin feeling nervous as well.

"Uhm no it's fine Mason. Ask me what?" I ask and opening the door wider, signaling for him to come in.

He walks in and I shut the door behind him. He walks to the living room and sits down on the edge of the couch rubbing his hands on his thighs. I stay standing up close by and just stare at him with confusion. After an awkward moment of silence, he finally speaks up.

"Hanging out with you, Hayley and Jackson these past couple of days has been really fun and I really like getting to know you. But I want to get to know you more, on a personal level." He says and I feel my whole body go numb. Is he trying to ask me out?

Oh my God, I'm not ready for this. 

"What do you mean on a personal level?" I ask sitting on the chair that's diagonal from him.

"I want to take you out, just you and I. I like you and I want to give this a shot." He says

"Mason... I -" I begin saying but he cuts me off immediately 

"Before you say no, please just give it a chance. We've been having fun around each other and I think there could be something more Jane." He says in a pleading way.

My mind immediately goes to Miles and I can't stop picturing him in front me, asking me this instead of Mason. Then my mind goes to Hayley and I remember her begging me to give this a chance, I said I would but I didn't think he would actually want to so I thought I didn't have to worry. Damn you Hayley! My inner voice screams.

"Okay. We can go out on a date and see how it goes." I say with slight hesitance and his eyes widen happily.

"You won't regret it Jane, my mom raised me right so I know how to act." He says with a sly smirk and I swear I almost threw up in my mouth. Talk about cringe.

"I bet she did." I say forcing out a fake laugh

"How about tomorrow night? I'll pick you up at 6." He says and I nod 

"Great! It'll be a surprise so I'll text you what outfit you're allowed to wear." He says and I give him a weird look. 

Allowed?!

My face must have given away my thoughts because his eyes widen and he quickly speaks up, "I didn't mean it like that! I just meant that since it's going to be a surprise... I would text you whether it would be something casual or fancy so you could base your outfit on that." He says 

"Alright then, uhm... sounds good. I'll see you tomorrow." I say and he nods. I watch him as he nervously walks past me and leaves without saying another word. 

I quickly lock the door behind him and lean my back against the door letting out a deep sigh. I feel a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, I don't know if it's just nerves about trying to move on or what, but I suddenly got a weird feeling. I don't know what it is and why I'm feeling this way, but I don't like it.  

But whatever, it's going to fine... right?

•••

M I L E S

Life has been fucking hell.

I can't get Jane out of my damn head and I'm losing it, I can't go through my day without a drink, or two... sometimes three or four. My boss contacted me for a job offer for a family in New York but I declined it. I can barley get up in the morning but Brian stops by everyday and forces me to get up and get out of my apartment. 

I'm currently at the store right now buying a few groceries and another bottle of Vodka. As I'm walking through an isle and scrolling through my phone, my cart accidently bumps into another one causing the other person to drop something they were holding.

"Shit!" A woman's voice says and I immediately recognize the voice. I look up and my whole body freezes, our eyes meet and it feels like all the air was sucked out of me. 

"Melanie." I say breathlessly 

"Miles." She says awkwardly. We stand there in silence staring at each other for a few moments before she speaks up again

"It's been a long time." She says with a nervous chuckle 

"Very long time." I say as my eyes immediately fall to her hands, a ring catches my eye. "You're married now?" I ask and she nods 

"3 years now." She says crossing her arms over her chest 

"Congratulations. Any kids?" I ask

"1 on the way." She says placing her hands on her stomach and I give her a small smile. "I'm happy for you and your husband." I say 

"Thank you Miles. I'm surprised you are back in town already. I thought you were in Chicago on a job offer. At least that's what I heard, you know people in this town like to talk." She says. My heart instantly breaks at the thought of Jane. I wonder what she's doing now. 

"I was but something happened and I couldn't stay there." I say starting to push my cart past her and she follows right next to me. 

"Something happened? Is that why you're buying a huge bottle of alcohol?" She asks and I just give her an angry look causing her to put her hands up in defense.

"It's the first thing I noticed Miles, you also haven't shaved and no offense but you're looking pretty rough." She says sighing 

"Thanks for that Melanie." I say with a scoff

We fall into another awkward silence as we continue walking around the store together. She walks into the baking isle and I follow behind her. She's changed so much since the last time I saw her when I was in my early twenties. Her hair color now is a dark red and shorter when it used to be long dirty blonde, her skin tone is slightly tanner now when it used to be very pale and she's gotten taller. 

"Did you fall in love?" She asks pulling me out of my thoughts and catching me off guard

"What?" I ask and she turns to me as she puts a few boxes of cake mix in her cart

"The girl you were supposed to be a body guard for. You fell in love with her, didn't you?" She asks 

"How'd you figure that out?" I ask and she chuckles 

"You aren't that hard to read Miles, and that's not such a bad thing. It's very clear that whatever the reason is, it's making you struggle a lot. I can tell you love her because... you loved me before, and you love hard." She says and I look down at the floor for a moment before meeting her eyes again.

"You're right, I did fall in love with her. I kissed her then I left the next morning, without saying goodbye. I just wrote her a note." I say and she gasps quietly widening her eyes

"You wrote her a note and you just quit?" She says as we start walking again

"Trust me, I'm regretting that more than anything right now. I wish I never left and I wish I could go back to her but, it's not the simple." I say 

"I know it's not simple like that. You're not allowed to have those types of feelings for her, but you do. You left and it's clearly destroying you. What're you going to do?" She asks and I shrug my shoulders

"I can't do anything Melanie, I know that I hurt her when I left her. I don't think I could face her again, I can't look at her knowing that I hurt her like that." I say grabbing a few things off the shelf and putting them in my cart

"Why did you leave without saying anything to her? Why the note?" She asks 

"After you, I swore I would never fall for another woman I was working for again. I kept that promise to myself for a long time, until I met her. My first day working for her and her father, the moment I laid my eyes on her - I knew I was fucked." I say pausing for moment trying to keep my emotions tamed.

"I should've left that day, she didn't like me at first so it would've been so much easier to leave but I thought I could be strong enough. I wasn't and I fell for her, then when I kissed her... I knew I couldn't stay there any longer so I told her father the next morning that there was a family emergency that I had to attend to. I packed my things and left before she woke up, I knew if I saw her or heard her voice, I wouldn't be able to leave." I say  

"I'm sorry for everything I did to you Miles. What I did, that was unbelievably terrible. I was so ashamed of myself for hurting you the way I did and I prayed to God that one day you would move on from me and find a girl who deserves you." She says sincerely

"I forgave you a long time ago Melanie, I had to. I knew I couldn't properly heal and move on from you if I didn't forgive you." I say and she nods with a sly smile

"I'm really happy that you were able to do that. But I'm mainly bringing this up because... you did find her." She says and I give her a confused look, "What do you mean?" I ask 

"The girl that deserves your love and who loves you back. You found her the day you started working for her and her father. She is the girl for you Miles." She says 

"But I can't have her!" I say feeling my heart ache 

"You can! You did it with me and even though it ended the way it did, you still let yourself be with me. Why can't you do that with her?" She asks 

"Because what you did to Melanie, it almost killed me! You lost the baby and I grieved the loss of that baby who wasn't even mine. You were playing me, you were lying to me the entire time, you told me you loved me when you didn't. I can't have that happen to me again... it almost completely destroyed me the first time." I say and she just stares at me with sadness in her eyes.

"I wish I didn't do that. That is the one and only thing I regret and if I could go back in time and not do that, I would! Hurting you was... it was the worst thing I ever did and I am so deeply sorry. But please do not let my shitty past behavior destroy your life now. Take that pain and anger you feel and turn it into something that's good. This girl, she is your second chance at a love that is real and genuine. This is your chance to love a girl who will love you back. Do not let that go." She says 

We stare at each other in complete silence for what felt like hours but it was only a few short moments. Something inside me clicked and I let out a deep sigh before speaking.

"I always told myself that I forgave you because I just wanted to move on. But standing here in front of you now made me realize that I really didn't. When I saw you in the isle, all the anger and pain that I buried deep inside just burst out. But now I realized that you were just a young girl who really didn't know any better, I'm not excusing what you did to me but we were both young. Now here we are years later and I just realized that your apology is what I needed. Seeing you is what I needed to truly forgive you... so thank you Melanie." I say 

"I should be the one saying thank you, I have lived with this shame and guilt for years Miles. Now I can forgive myself for what I did." She says with a smile and I pull her into a hug. She hugs back and we stand there for a moment before she pulls away. 

"Now you need to clean yourself up, stop drinking and call up her father to see if you can go back." She says grabbing the bottle of Vodka from my cart and putting it on a shelf behind her.

"Hey! I think I look pretty good like this though." I say jokingly and she laughs shaking her head 

"You know damn well that you don't" She says smacking my arm playfully and I nod while laughing

"Well, I'll catch you later Melanie. It was good seeing you." I say and she smiles sweetly 

"It was good seeing you too Miles. Good luck." She says and walks off

I go to the check out line and pay for my groceries. As I'm walking out of the store, I pull out my phone and call Jack. I open my trunk and put all the bags in when he finally picks up.

"This is Jack." He says quickly

"Jack, it's Miles." I say getting in my car but not driving off yet.

"Miles! Good to hear from you. Sorry about that, I didn't look at the caller ID before I answered. How is everything?" He asks 

"It's... better. But I'm calling to see if there's any way I can come back now?" I ask and he let's out a sigh. 

"I spoke to Jane earlier today and we were talking about you. I brought up the fact that you could be coming back to us when everything with you got situated but unfortunately, she said she doesn't want you coming back." He says and it's like I can actually feel my heat stop beating.

"What?" I ask barley audible 

"I'm sorry Miles. She said that she doesn't want you as her bodyguard again and she doesn't want to see you again. She is helping me look for your replacement now. You can't come back." He says. I sit there in silence trying to contain my feelings but I can't help but feel hurt.

"I understand Sir... thank you anyway. I truly enjoyed working for you and Jane." I say and hang up before he could respond. I throw my phone on the passenger seat floor in anger then hit the steering wheel in frustration.

She doesn't want to see me again, she hates me now. I lost her for good.