However it goes, it ends in pain.

Chapter 14 (I)

Ever since Usman's confession, I've been avoiding him. As one would expect. I can't say yes, because I am thinking of saying no.

Today is one of those days that I managed to feel something about Ahmad. I actually sobbed. I've come to the conclusion that crying is the only way to get him out of my system and to allow newer things in. To me, the more tears I let out, the more room I have inside me. Room that isn't crowded with Ahmad.

I am putting things into a suitcase. My surgery which everyone made a big deal of was a success. To be honest I also feel less shitty, and I am so excited to sleep in my bed again.

I take out a pair of slippers, my mom will need that to go into the bathroom. We're leaving tomorrow morning. However, I'll be coming in for frequent physiotherapy sessions for a while. In a weeks' time I should be due in back for work.

I can't believe I've spent three weeks in this hospital. It feels much smaller, in my head, it's before the surgery and after the surgery. Like there was before Ahmad and after Ahmad.

Ahmad.

I am sick of thinking about Ahmad.

Everything relates to him.

I bet he doesn't think about me.

I am now trying to close the suitcase, and the zipper is stuck.

This stupid zipper! I kick at the suit case and try again.

It doesn't shut close; I pick it up, half open and throw it across the room, clothes flying all around, and suitcase still half closed on the couch!

The anger builds hotter inside me, and as my chest gets heavier, I scream. Because that the only other way I know how to let out my frustration.

I don't feel better. Not after I scream, not when I fall into my ward bed, and not when I roll my fingers down my face either.

Ahmad. Ahmad. Ahmad. Like some maniac. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate---

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I am dreaming.

Ahmad is sitting in front of me.

His curly black hair glistens due to the sun.

Ahmad is sitting in front of me.

I sit up in a startle which causes me to hit my head on the iron behind me. I don't know if it hurts, I don't know anything else but his brown eyes. They seem larger. Somehow, more beautiful.

He's staring at me so hard and so calmly.

He's staring at me like he isn't in my hospital ward.

I instinctively reach for my head. There's a turban scarf there. I'm less worried, still confused though.

'What the hell?' I finally ask. My brain is lagging.

'Hi to you too' he's laughing. He stands up from the edge of the bed where he was formally sat and I notice how much the mattrass sighs.

He walks around the ward like he's just only taking the time to study it. Finally, he turns to me again.

My heart is beating so fast, it hurts.

My palms are sweating.

And my throat is dry.

My head hurts. Blood is rushing to it so quickly, it feels heavy.

I feel so full. I feel very full. I feel too full.

I want to turn it all off. I need to turn it all off.

It's not going away.

My skin is prickling. My eyes stinging. Did I mention my head aching?

I'm feeling things all around me.

Tingling everywhere. Not the cute type. It's a painful sensation.

I don't want to feel. I don't want it. I tucked it away.

I tucked it away.

'I tucked it away. I tucked you away'

I'm heavily sobbing, and i find it hard to catch my breath. Everything is happening really quickly. Everything is spinning.

Ahmad, Ahmad, Ahmad.

His legs are the first to blur then the entirety of him. I can still see his face though,

It's like his blurred features are in a circle around me.

It doesn't stop. He keeps going in a circle around me,

his face, neck.

Shoulders.

Chest. That chest.

His abdomen.

His thighs.

Legs.

Feet.

Him.

His eyes. I look into Ahmad's eyes and there's more pain. I wince and physically recoil.

But it's all from inside. The pain is all from inside. Eating me up.

'No!'

'Please!'

'I just wanted you to want me back.'

'I don't want anything of this.'

I scream as one of my palms sit at my chest as if attempting to soothe my heart; It does nothing.

'Please' I'm sobbing. I'm sobbing so hard that I am shaking.

Please. Please. Please.

I become unconscious.

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Eid Mubarak!

I forgot to post this yesterday. 

I'm back to my old schedule now that Ramadan is over. 

Also considering uploading part II of this chapter later today.