However it goes, it ends in pain.

Chapter 10

I have prayed maghrib and Isha, it's after eight pm and I don't feel better. I feel pain I haven't felt since the day Usman returned to the hospital. I feel so consumed by it. When I try to get up from my position on the prayer mat, I falter, finally, I slump down on the soft, thick rug and cry myself to sleep.

.

The bright Nigerian sunbathing me in comfort lasts for all of two seconds. Fajr! I jump into the toilet, the memories of last night crashing into my mind as I make wudu.

My head feels like a tsunami. I pray.

After praying, I do some light cleaning in the room and then charcoal burner in hand, I head into the kitchen.

I don't bother switching on the lights, the sun is bright enough. I set my charcoal burner down. I don't feel like eating. Sadness fills me, from braincells down to toes, a sensation I don't welcome.

I hold my head in my hands and guide myself to the living room. Slipping off my slides, I slump into a couch. In it, I pull a pillow to my chest and just stare at the wall. I stay like that for so long, I fall asleep.

It's Wednesday. I should go and say hi. I should go and spend time with him. Ask how long he'll be gone for. It cannot be for too long. Austria.

I am hurt. Because I thought we'd become close, but it may just be hormones. I couldn't possibly have cried that much because Ali forgot to tell me that he is leaving.

Leaving.

I don't even know what that means.

I get into the shower, dress up and get my car keys to head out. In my car, I finally check my messages.

Zero messages from Ali. Fair enough.

Two from Heema Hey girl. Hope you're good.

Several groups. Particularly the riders group. There's just so much chatter in there, I can't keep up. I am about to exit when I notice a message addressing Ali.

'Ali what time is your flight?'

12PM.

You're never coming back *sad emoji*' Bayan.

Ali reacts with sad emoji to her message.

He won't even be able to show his face at the tracks. He'll have to be at the airport by like 8am. My heart rate picks up. And along with it my engine revibrates to life.

I drive recklessly out of anger. There is so much I am feeling, but I am mostly confused.

I keep asking myself why I hurt so much. Why I am so upset by his leaving, by his omission about his departure.

I slam into a break when I get to the tracks. My head jerks to the front. I slap my palm on the wheels. God. God. God. I want to scream. I don't want the stupid tears to pour. I don't want to cry. I want my best friend.

.

Inside, I chug down a bottle of water I snagged before heading to the bathroom to pee it all out and washing my face. Finally, I face everyone.

I feel like they can all see my heart on my sleeve, I cup my arms around my tall lean frame and approach the circle of friends.

Ali visibly brightens up when he sees me.

I don't know why I do it. I latch on to Heema and stop him from approaching me. Heema is talking to Daiana about some travel stuff, I have no idea about it. But I stay there. The thought of Ali approaching me, making me feel suffocated.