However it goes, it ends in pain.

Chapter 5

If you walked into the room I'm in, you'd see me laying flat on my back, my legs pushing towards the right, my hands underneath a pillow. You'd find me staring at the ceiling fan rotating. Tears silently pouring down my cheeks.

How I feel is hard to explain. All I know is that I have this strong feeling to drive.

And not being able to do that yet makes me so angry. There's so much anger in me.

And there's no Amira to call, no Usman.

I would call Habeel, but I am feeling a bit destructive. I might as well cry alone all night, and hate my life.

A lot of me isn't angry with or sad at Usman.

A lot of me is grieving for the friends I've managed to lose in two weeks.

The phone calls haven't happened in a long time. Since the accident, and it doesn't seem like it's going to happen ever.

Our last call.

What/when was out last call.

It was Eleven pm. I was working on a lesson plan. Both Habeel and Usman had traveled for what felt like years but were finally on the call, and Amira was asleep. But on the call. We were there. My family. Chatting, working, laughing.

And it all just disintegrated.

When I was young, my dad would play this video for me almost every week for a year.

There was a hippo I think, trying to escape some animals. But was stuck. Instead of his other hippo family helping, they ignored him. In the end, the hippo always got trampled by the animal.

At the time, I hated watching the video once a week. I didn't understand it and I found it grim.

But then I would grow up and realize that my father was trying to tell me something. How I interpreted that video was up to me.

And to me, it meant that everyone is dispensable.

Your family can always decide that you're no longer a priority.

And I think I just lost mine.

I think I just lost my home.

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Hii. Super short, I know. I've done a double update.

Nafisah  🫶.