A Journey Through Time

Chapter 69 - The Self Help Book

I ended up getting through my last depressive episode and have been "fine" but I wanna find an actual solution to my problems before I end up in that dark place again. I know that if I don't fix this, I'll end up there over and over again.

I've been reading a particular self help book that is so down to earth, I shoulda been read it a long time ago. I've been wanting to, and my intuition has been drawing me in to read it, but just now have I allowed my intuition to take over.

The most impactful thing it's mentioned was the subconscious and the conscious. Basically, I know about growth mindset and using detachment to find peace and other "self help" things, but even though I may know it cognitively, subconsciously I still have all of these limiting beliefs:

I believed I will burden others and be negatively judged, abandoned/dismissed, and hurt if I express myself vulnerably which means I can't be authentic.

I believe I am unworthy of love and happiness unless I am perfect (working excessively, taking criticism, requiring external validation, needing to people please, comparing myself to others, and fearing failure).

I believe I need permission to be happy and have fun (can't have fun until I've proven that I'm worthy of it).

I believe I can't heal because I keep hurting from the wounds of both my past and my present (can't get over it).

I believe becoming my ideal self is impossible because I'm always gonna be faced with some type of obstacle, both internal and external.

I believe change and uncertainty always causes suffering (whether it's losing friendships, losing control over my life, etc.) and I believe I can't handle it on my own.

I believe I am not as competent as people believe that I am (imposter syndrome).

I believe I don't deserve to prioritize my own needs over the needs of others.

I believe in the worst possible case scenarios because I've been through worst possible case scenarios.

I believe I've already failed because I haven't succeeded.

I believe it is my fault when bad things happen to me.

I believe I have to be successful right now, otherwise I am unworthy.

I believe intimacy leads to pain and suffering (which is why I'm not open to dating right now).

I believe I'll have to do things I hate in order to make money (which is why I don't feel completely drawn to any career, I don't wanna do work I don't like for money).

I don't trust myself to make decisions about what truly matters to me because the decisions I've made have always been to please others.

I believe my abilities and intelligence are fixed, and I can't change them (fixed mindset).

I believe I must handle my problems on my own because I'm not worthy of assistance.

I believe conflict always leads to negative outcomes so it's best to avoid it all costs.

I believe if I initiate plans with friends and they're rejected it confirms my fear of being unliked and unwanted.

I believe I'm not qualified or capable enough to advance in my career.

Basically, I have all of the limiting beliefs so my subconscious behaviors reflect them, even if I consciously believe different. So just from realizing this alone, I feel like I've been putting in all this self improvement work for nothing because I haven't been getting to the root of it all. My subconscious mind needs to change. I can believe positive beliefs consciously all I want but none of that even matters if I subconsciously still believe the opposite .

I also learned about the ego, which is also something I'm consciously aware of, but subconsciously I've been behaving like my ego self. The ego is basically the part of you that believes all those limiting beliefs and acts accordingly (to protect you from perceived harm). The ego:

Gets validation from outside sources, further proving its limiting beliefs (if I believe my worth comes from others instead of it being inherit and coming from within, I actively seek approval from others to feel worthy)

Is reactive (My circumstances control my life; I am a victim)

Is fear-based (extremely committed to keeping you safe based on your limited reality (keeping my you in your comfort zone))

Lives in the past and the future

Believes you are separate from everything around you

My ego isn't the real me. My limiting beliefs aren't the real me either. I know they aren't. Those beliefs aren't even true, which is what I have to keep reminding myself. My limiting beliefs are all the things I learned from my life as a child until now. Based on what I got faced with and my reality at the time, it makes sense that I believe those things.

Logically when you receive constructive criticism, you take it in and know that there are some things that need to be improved. You don't take it personally and you commit to changing course. But egotistically, you may equate criticism to thinking you're a failure and will either lash out or hide to protect yourself from further emotional harm. Especially if you get approached with yelling and a beating. Your "mistakes" aren't met with love in the real world. You are instead taught that there's something wrong with you, even though that's not true at all.

The truth is that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are already loved. You can basically equate your true higher self to the self that God has created you to be. The true self:

Is your higher self that operates according to God (the Truth)

Gets validation from within (I love and trust myself, this feels right to me, I have a purpose, and I am loved)

Is proactive (I'm in control of my life)

Is love-based (extremely committed to creating reality based on your potential and would rather be outside your comfort zone to reach your full potential)

Lives in the present moment

Believes you are connected to everything around you

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In order for me to access this true self, I have to trust that I'll be ok. I have to believe that I'm already loved by God, instead of trying to receive that love from other people. I have to live in the moment (following my intuition and living in gratitude) and trust that the future will work out. I also have to forgive the past me and move on.

Stepping out of your comfort zone sucks at first because your ego is gonna fight back, but then things eventually end up getting better.

I have to believe that it does and that I'll be ok.

I always feel like I'm gonna be punished or something bad will happen to me if I follow my heart, all thanks to what has happening in the past. If I say what I wanna say and express how I feel, it always ends up feeling like I'll get judged because I have been judged. If I do what I want to do, it feels like I'm being selfish because I've been called selfish. But I'm an adult. All of those things, being able to just be me, should be my God-given right as an adult. I own the right to live my life. If something is bothering me, I can say it. If I want to be an adult that is taken seriously and has control of my wellbeing, I have to actually be that adult. I have to walk around with the agency that I already am an adult. And it's gonna suck. There's no way around it. The fear will eat me alive on the inside and it will be extremely uncomfortable. But it's the only way I'll accomplish my goal of being a full functioning adult.