Crush

Outsider

I wake up in the morning as a bright light hit my face. My body slightly hurts. Not unusual. I got used to any kind of discomfort because that is what I always feel. I close my eyes again for a second. I look down on myself. I'm still naked. I slightly turn my head to the side. Beck is sleeping and also still naked but covered with the blanket. We always hook up when we are here with the national team. I like her but this is just sex. Everything was just sex for me. I think I'm not meant to feel more than desire and lust about someone. Normally we don't sleep in one bed for the night. Normally we have sex and then sleep in our usual separated rooms. I like it like that. Not too close but still close enough. We have training.

"Hey, we have to get up." I shake Becks shoulder to wake her up. I sit up and reach for my shirt. I put on my shirt and my underwear so I'm not completely naked anymore. This feels too intimate even tho she has seen me naked a lot of times.

"Sorry for sleeping here." Beck says as she wakes up.

"Never mind." I just shrug and get out of bed. I can't be mean to her because I have already been mean to everyone else. I have no one. Everyone here hates me. I hurt a lot of people. Everyone at Lyon also hates me. I also hurt them. I just can't stop with always reliving the same pattern. I always sleep with them and then hurt them.

"What's up?" Beck asks me. She has a slight smile on her face. She probably saw me thinking. She is always nice to me and I don't even know why. I'm sure I also hurt her. I treat her like shit. We don't really have contact outside of the national team and then we just have sex. I kind of look forward to this sex. I sleep with a lot of people but never twice. Beck is the only one.

"I'm fine." I just say. I never tell people about my feelings. Not even her. No one knows what's going on inside me.

"Excited for tomorrow?" She asks me. We play England tomorrow. I'm a bit excited. It's a good match and football is kind of the only good thing in my life. I also spent a part of my childhood in England.

"Yeah." I nod.

"Wow you're talkative today." Beck laughs as she gets up and gets dressed. "You were definitely louder last night."

"Stop making sex jokes." I say.

"Sorry." She says back. I don't want to talk. I go straight to the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror. I feel like my eyes got darker. My hair is also longer than usual. I should cut it but I don't want to go to a hairdresser. Maybe I should do it myself. I look messy. No wonder no one likes me. I sigh as I slowly start to get ready. I don't like camp. I like the matches but I hate the rest. But I also hate it back at Lyon. It's even worse there. I have no one.

"Rosalie, seriously what's going on? You seem weird." Beck says as she stands at the door fully clothed.

"I'm totally fine. Worry about yourself." I say. Anyone else would have walked off but she doesn't. She stays at the door.

"I know you see me as a hookup or something and maybe that is what I am but I really care about you. So if you have something that you would like to talk about, I'm here for you." She says. That sounds too nice for me. I will definitely not tell her anything.

"I don't have anything to tell you. Don't you want to go downstairs?" I ask. I want her to stop trying to talk to me. I hate when people do that.

"No, I'll wait for you." She says and sits on the bed outside.

"I liked it better when we just had sex without the sleepover." I scoff. Surprisingly she still isn't hurt or anything. She just ignores me. I hate that I can't seem to make her hate me. I'm not used to people not walking away.