Crush

Feelings

The next morning I wake up in the exact same position I fell asleep in and with the exact same worries in my stomach. Leah is still laying behind me with her arms wrapped around me. At least she didn't let go. I slowly turn around but make sure her arms stay around me. I cuddle my head into her chest and dig my nose in her shirt. I have to tell her how I feel and I have to stop being scared of it. Nothing will happen to me. Leah wouldn't hurt me.

I feel her slightly moving and she immediately places a lazy kiss to my head. That is the first thing she does after she wakes up. Her first action is to kiss my head. That alone shows how ridiculous my fear of loving her really is. I move up a bit and position my face in front of Leah's. She opens her eyes and smiles at me.

"Hi, beautiful." She whispers at me. How can she be that cute after what I did last night? I thought she was mad at me and I would have understood it. I try to find words to start with. I lay my hand at her head and softly move my fingers through her slightly messy hair.

"I'm sorry about yesterday." I say. That feels important to me. I want her to know that I'm sorry.

"What happened?" Leah asks. She still has no idea. I feel so bad for her because she was being so sweet.

"I just felt so overwhelmed when you said that you are in love with me. I didn't think you would say it. I just panicked because it felt like it was too much." I say. Leah's expression softens slightly.

"I'm sorry if I took it too far."

"No, you shouldn't apologise. It's not your fault. It's mine. I'm scared of this feeling I have. I'm scared of committing myself to you and getting hurt. I know it's ridiculous but I can't stop it." I try to explain it without hurting her.

"I know this probably doesn't really help but I want you to know that I would never hurt you. There wouldn't be much that would change for you. I will still be there for you. I will still treat you the same." Leah says.

"I'm scared that I might lose my freedom. I don't want to feel like I'm locked in a relationship." I say. This sounds so mean. It basically sounds like she isn't enough for me. But she is.

"I won't lock you up. I want you to do what you want. I won't take your freedom away or tell you what to do. I have feelings for you that are so strong that I can't keep them in. To be honest, I wanted to tell you straight after we had sex for the first time but I didn't want to scare you off. Last night it just happened. I looked at you and couldn't keep it in." She says. She sounds so sweet and loving. I know she means this. I know my fear is completely stupid.

"I'm scared that I might break your heart if we commit ourselves to each other. I don't want everyone to be right. I promised your mum to work on me and I meant that. I just fear that I can't do it." My voice cracks slowly. Leah reaches her hand out for me and strokes my face.

"You can never be sure if a relationship will work out in the end but that shouldn't stop us from trying. I want to be with you, Rosi. I get that you're overwhelmed and scared but I will do everything I can to show you that we can make this work. You don't have to be afraid of this feeling." She says in a calm voice. She says everything so perfectly. I hate that I ruined this moment yesterday. I should have just said it back. I'm such a coward for being scared of the heart of my favourite person. I can't keep pushing these feelings away. It makes me tired. I know I can confess them to Leah. I look deep into her eyes and my heart beats up to my neck.

"I have been so scared of this feeling and I kept fighting against it, trying to convince myself that it wasn't there. But I'm tired of it. I should have replied to you immediately yesterday. I'm sorry that I didn't. I'm sorry that I'm so complicated to deal with. Leah, I'm in love with you too. I think I have been for months. I just needed to figure it out." My voices shakes while I finally say it. It felt good to say. It felt good to admit it. I'm in love with her. This is what being in love feels like. I like that feeling.