guilty conscience | minsung

45

9-year-old jisung had never understood why he never received affection.

when he watched everyday at school, all of his classmates casually running up to their fathers and hugging them tight, he never understood why he couldn't do the same.

he always frowned it out, thinking back to his mother telling him that his father was always busy with work. with a heavy heart, he would simply climb into their assigned driver's car.

and he never liked his enormous house. all his classmates constantly told him how they wished to be in his place, but yet, he could not understand them.

why would anyone want to live in the absence of affection and humanity?

10-year-old jisung would always wonder why he would always sit in the same seat at the dining table, with silence, and dreading to hold his chopsticks in the wrong way, in case he'd be hit in the same way when he had tried to hug his father one year ago. in the same way, when he had gotten a slightly lower mark on his test, and failed at a maths competition.

he had understood a few years later, that he was simply born to exist as his father's trophy.

and now, 23-year-old jisung sat in the kitchen, wondering why minho was blatantly ignoring him. the same pain burning in his heart, the same sensation of rocks in his heart when his father would never talk to him at the dining table.

he didn't wish to call it ignoring, but everytime jisung tried to speak to him, he would simply smile and say he has something other to do.

jisung had been mindlessly stirring his already cold coffee for a while now, resting his head on the palm of his hand, and staring into nothingness while the others discussed where they would go.

"jisung, what do you say?" felix nudged him, finally snapping him from his spiraling thoughts. he simply blinked at the absence of information he had on the conversation.

"oh? yeah sure, why not." jisung quickly replied, not wanting to embarrass himself even though he had no idea what they were going to do. they all made happy noises, somehow satisfied with jisung's answer.

"okay so, it's already twelve. i believe we should leave soon?" chan looked at them expectedly as they all nodded in agreement, jumping up from their seats to go get ready.

jisung also got up, but he had no idea where they were going. he supposed he could ask minho but he wasn't sure the latter would even answer him. but this did give him a reason to talk to him.

once they both arrived in their shared room, jisung took a quick glance at minho who was busy removing clothes from his bag. "um so... where are we going again?" he timidly questioned, slowly getting scared of minho's reaction.

"you weren't listening?" came minho's cold reply, which made jisung gulp as his eyes frantically searched for something to rely on. he could feel his hands start to shake, as he tried to calm himself and stepped forward to sit on his bed.

"yeah.. I was just distracted by something." jisung cautiously replied, his eyes tracing every movement of minho. minho had only hummed in response.

now, jisung was sure minho remembered last night. now, he could never feel happy about them kissing. the regrets slowly creeped into him again, feeling stupid for ever thinking minho might be interested in him the same way he was.

a silence engulfed them. a suffocating one for jisung and nothing abnormal for minho. 

jisung tried to ignore it, telling himself it didn't matter. maybe he should forget the fact they ever kissed and forget that he has feelings for minho. minho's reaction was enough for him to understand. he didn't want anything more.