Habits {Jikook}

CHAPTER 54

💿 Can't You See - Why Don't We

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When Jimin had left his apartment, Jeongguk froze. It simply felt like he stopped existing for two or three minutes as his mind tried to take in what just had happened. He only started to slowly return to reality when he felt something wet trickling down his face. He didn't even know when his tears started flowing.

Their conversation had triggered something so deep inside him that he felt a sharp pain in his chest and his throat closed up.
He also started to make out what the mantra in his head was trying to tell him.

You're losing him. He left.

It was like a Button had been pressed. Because suddenly, all his negative past memories started circling around in his head again. He couldn't control it, his emotional state was too weak and vulnerable.

He left you. Grandpa left you. He wanted you to do something. You couldn't even fulfill his last wish. You lost him.

Jeongguk pulled at his hair. And then, as if he was possessed, he rummaged through all the cupboards and drawers with shaky hands and shaky breath to find them.

Jimin, he left you so you don't need to keep the agreement. Grandpa also smoked. You could be so close to him if you just breathed it in. Just like a warm embrace. Just one cigarette, Jeongguk.

After some time, he opened one of the drawers of their TV table and found a box of cigarettes and a lighter. He slid down with his back against the couch, both hands occupied.

The small box was getting more and more crushed in Jeongguk's clenched hand. He opened it and took out one of the cigarettes. Looked at it. He remembered the smell.

Jeongguk hesitantly put it between his lips and raised his hand with the lighter in it. It was shaking to a point where he almost dropped it while trying to roll the sparkwheel. After a few tries, he squinted at the flame in close proximity to his face.

Slowly and shakily he brought the lighter closer to the cigarette.

He wouldn't want you to smoke. Don't do this.

Suddenly, thoughts were penetrating his mind that hindered him from closing the gap between lighter and cigarette, leaving him feeling conflicted. No matter how much of his strength he used, his mind didn't let him do it. He dropped his hand exhaustedly and closed his eyes.

I didn't.

He wiped his remaining tears with the back of his hand and ripped the cigarette out of his mouth.

Meanwhile, Jimin was running all the way back to the building, not bothering if Taehyung had followed him or not. He just knew that he needed to go see him. He knew how the passing of Jeongguk's grandfather still affected him enormously, even if he tried to hide it.

After pressing the elevator button multiple times, he impatiently tapped his foot on the floor. It was unbearable to wait so he decided to just run up the stairs instead. It wasn't really logical because it would take longer but it did make sense to him in that moment. Even if he had to go all the way up to the 7th floor.

When he arrived on the 5th floor he was already thoroughly regretting his decision. He took a quick break, hunched over and hands resting on his knees. Then, he heard the ping of the elevator and looked up to see a few students stumble out of it. Jimin immediately took his chance and stepped into the now empty elevator and pressed the button for the 7th floor.

After leaving, he had placed the spare key under the doormat so he quickly grabbed it from there and swiftly opened the door. As he walked into the apartment, there was no sign of Jeongguk. First thing, he entered the livingroom and looked around. At first he didn't see him but then he lowered his gaze and-

There he was, on the floor, his head thrown into his neck. When Jeongguk heard the someone stepping closer, he weakly opened his eyes to look at the person standing in front of him.

As they looked into each others eyes, Jimin noticed that the usual sparkle in Jeongguk's eyes was gone.

"I didnt"

Jimin tilted his head in question upon hearing his words. He probably felt just as much overwhelmed as Jeongguk was and he was most certainly sure that his eyes were still the slightest bit red from crying earlier.

"I didn't smoke"

Jimin's gaze wandered to Jeongguk's hands in which he was holding the lighter and a cigarette loosely as if they were about to fall from them.
It had seemed like Jeongguk hadn't only said this directed at him but also to reassure himself.

"I-," Jimin started but trailed off as he didn't know what to say. He was completely overwhelmed.
"I didn't know,"
Jimin managed to get this out, hoping that Jeongguk would understand he was talking about his grandpa. Even though his eyes started to get glassy, there wasn't a single tear that left his eyes. He tried to keep it together.
Jeongguk however, didn't react to what he had said and asked, straightforward,
"Will you leave again?"

Jimin's gaze immediately softened and he stared back at Jeongguk, locking eyes, looking for any sign that the younger was joking around but Jeongguk's dull gaze didn't butch.

"I never left,"
he eventually decided to respond. Well, he did, physically, but he would always be Jeongguk's, whether he liked it or not.

"You just did,"
the younger just stated stubbornly as he maintained the confrontational eye contact. That was when Jimin sighed, extending his arm and reaching out with his hand demandingly.
"Give me the lighter and the cigarette and then we'll talk about this"

"No"

Jimin crouched down and gently grabbed his left wrist first, cold fingertips touching his skin, to fetch the cigarette from his grip but before he could even do that, Jeongguk pulled him closer, making him topple over.

"Answer me. Will you leave again?"

Jimin really didn't want to be insensitive since it was still his grandfather's death anniversary however, he was getting frustrated real quick.

"Jeongguk, what is this about? It's not about me leaving, is it?"

"You really have no clue,"
rather than telling him this, Jeongguk mumbled it to himself.

Jimin tilted his head, his wet hair following his movement, clutching against his forehead.

"We both know what we had wasn't about the agreement anymore"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm telling you that you walking in here and ending whatever there was between us fucked me up in more ways than you could ever imagine"

"Jeongguk,"
Jimin pleaded, letting go of Jeongguk's wrist he had still been holding. He didn't want to get more hurt than he already was or get his hopes up in any way and Jeongguk was exactly doing that right now.

"Oh my god, you really don't get it, do you?"

Jeongguk had reached a point where he didn't care anymore. He had already said too much so there was no turning back.

"I love you"

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Heyy I'm back!
I'm still sick but I managed to finish this chapter so here it is! And oh my god, we're slowly but surely coming to an end. Sorry for the cliffhanger but I just had to HAHA.
Thank you guys so much for the support,
lots of love <3