Leaf Me Alone // minsung

「⸙ ch.12 ⸙」

JISUNG

Chan threw me a half-concerned, half-curious look as I cleared my throat again for what seemed like the 50th time that session. I was still a bomb in danger of exploding at any moment according to them, and Seungmin hadn't told anyone about my plan to make things up with Minho. It was simple: get Minho's number from Chan, text Minho and apologise to him.

As we were packing our lyric books away and tidying up the equipment that we had used for the session, I nudged Chan. He seemed suprised that I wanted to talk, since usually I haphazardly shoved everything inside my bag and speedwalked out like the air in the studio was poisonous.

"Can I, uh, have Minho's number?"

Chan raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, sure. Why?"

Turning around to look for his phone, he added, "You don't have to say if you really don't want to. Just for... uh... safety procautions, I should warn you that Minho isn't dealing well with the whole... situation."

Finally spotting his phone, Chan was about to grab it when it was snatched by Changbin. He narrowed his eyes at Chan. Shit.

"Are you really considering giving Minho's number to him, Chan?"

His words were directed at Chan, but his eyes bore into mine, pinning me down. I shrank under his gaze, and was about to slip out of the door and run away from all the tension like I always do when a hand was placed on my shoulder. I flinched.

Chan looked at me, checking if I was okay - I wasn't, I felt sick - before looking back at Changbin, who was still glaring at me like I had killed a man. And I guess I have, if not physically then emotionally. And I felt like shit.

But what was new?

Chan's hand tightened on my shoulder, barely grounding me as I spiralled further and further into a whirlpool of self-hatred.

"I am considering it. Have you seen how it's been these few days? Everyone is on edge, the tension is almost a solid thing in the air, and you're telling me that I'm supposed to sit here and do nothing whilst everything falls apart?"

"I'd rather you do nothing than make everything worse! Have you seen the state Minho is in?"

He turned to me, and I was being burnt alive and drowned at the same time. "Do you know what you've done? I hope you know that you've fucked up. Bad. I hope you know that Minho is curled up in his room hating himself for every second he spent by your side, not because he hates you, but because you hate him and he cares about you enough to not want you to feel any discomfort. He thinks he's the one causing you to be uncomfortable. He thinks he's the one that fucked up. Do you know he barely smiles any more? Even if he does, it's a faint imitation of what it used to be, a pathetic attempt at being happy. He doesn't talk any more. He does nothing, because he thinks that every single step he takes is disgusting. He's an idiot. An idiot for caring about people, for caring about you as much as he does. But he still does, because I know that he has the biggest heart beating inside of his chest. I protect him like a brother because he treats me as such. But you? You snuffed out his flame like it was nothing, like he was nothing to you. I know that you'll probably have reasons for your actions, and I know that I haven't heard your side of the story yet, but I want to protect the embers of his flame because you destroyed them."

His eyes were wet with unshed tears as he looked at me, and I could see past his anger. They say anger stems from fear, and I couldn't think of anything in that moment except how much fear Changbin held. He was scared. Scared that his best friend, his brother, would become a ghost of himself. The knife in my gut twisted even further and something wet ran down my cheek. I touched my cheek and then I was crying and Changbin was crying and Chan was also close to tears and holding on to my shoulder like it was the only thing that was keeping him together and all I could think of was I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry because what kind of damage had I done?

I thought of Felix and the worried glances he would send me and Hyunjin who was a lot quieter than he used to be and Jeongin who didn't eat with a soft smile on his face as he watched us but instead with a crease between his brow as the tension weighed him down. I thought of Seungmin who sat with me trying to solve the problem that wasn't his fault, a disaster that he didn't have to step in to save and Changbin who was just trying to protect his brother from sinking and becoming a stranger and Chan who was fighting to keep the friend group together with a tired smile and even more tired eyes and I cried and I cried.

I curled up in a ball on the ground, and my tears were shining like crystals, spent on despair and hatred and apologies that stuck in my throat and choked me until I couldn't breathe.

I felt rather than saw the figure squatting beside me. Tentatively, he reached out a hand and pulled back when I flinched. A plea reached my ears, whispered tentatively, almost like a prayer.

"Please. Fix this. Fix him."

My breath rattled out of my chest and my whole body was shaking. Still, I lifted my head and opened my mouth to explain myself. "I'll fix it. I'll fix him. Fuck, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it, and there was just so much going on in my head and I know this isn't and excuse but I really didn't mean to cause this much damage and-"

Words poured out of me, tripping over one another in an attempt to make him understand because I needed him to see that I'm not the bad person that stands on people and treads their feelings into the dirt just for fun.

Changbin held up a hand and stuck his pinky finger out and I knew that he already understood. Maybe not completely, but enough to trust me to protect his brother's flame.

I held out my hand and locked my pinky finger with his. I looked into his eyes and hoped that he could see my sincerity. I would cradle Minho's flame like a lover's heart and nurture it until it becomes the raging bonfire that was Minho. I would build it to it's former intensity and then coax it even higher.

Okay, so maybe the plan went a little off track, but it was Changbin who handed me Minho's number on a page ripped from his music book and gave me a half-smile that said good luck and I'll punch you if you fuck this up at the same time. Chan gave me an encouraging pat on the back and both of them quietly left.

I held my lifeline in my hand as I surveyed the small corner of paper that was to become the start to the completion of my promise, the kindling to a flame that burnt ever brighter.

Pocketing it, I strolled out of the studio like it was normal to cry until your lungs don't draw in air and your eyes are redder than the setting sun and far less beautiful. No matter, I was going to fix things.

I made a promise, and I wasn't about to break it.

*****

welp. how was that yall?

Operiation Minho is officially setting off!! go jisung

changbin spitting facts, albeit kinda harsh ones fr

also STRAY KIDS NEW ALBUM RAHHH THEY ATE FR THE ALBUM LIVING UP TO ITS NAME

song rec: CHK CHK BOOM call me basic but omg its such a vibe especially the last part bullet goes tang tang tang its such a masterpiece

love yall <3 make attempts not to cry until it looks like ur high