Leaf Me Alone // minsung

「⸙ ch.19 ⸙」

JISUNG

I stood in front of Minho's dorm room, holding my blanket and hugging my pillow to my chest. Minho was looking at me, exasperated, as I held in my tears. The soft light spilled out from the door frame into the dim corridor, encasing him in a halo of light as he stood in shorts and a t-shirt.

Originally, I had gathered my blanket and my pillow to camp out at Chan's room. The corridor lights weren't working, so I turned my phone flashlight on and navigated my way up Chan and Jeongin's room. Approaching their dorm, I slowed down and was raising a hand up to knock on their door when Jeongin's voice piped up. It was soft, gentle, coaxing. "It's okay, Channie, you need your sleep. The project can wait, you're miles ahead of everyone else. Get some rest, I won't let anyone or anything disturb you now. Otherwise you'll die of caffeine overconsumption."

"But Innie-"

"If you don't sleep, I don't sleep."

Shadows danced in the little sliver of light from the gap at the bottom of the door, before all turned dark as the light was switched off. Jeongin huffed, telling Chan off in a serious tone, his care and playfulness leaking through the stern lecture he was putting on. "Honestly, Channie, why do I have to threaten you to go to sleep on a daily basis? Your body needs rest. How are you to take care of everyone else if you don't care for yourself first, hm? Too much coffee isn't good for anyone, and you know how worried we get sometimes. If I have to emotionally manipulate you into taking care of your own needs, then so be it."

It almost sounded like a part of their routine, comfortable, light, a bedtime story with underlying affection shown in their own unique fashion. Jeongin's voice sounded again. "Seriously though, I hope one day you do it for yourself and not because I, or anyone else, tell you to."

"Okay, Innie. I'll keep my health in mind, I promise." Chan's voice was low, soft, tired, melting into the night.

"Night, Chan. Sleep well."

"Night, Innie."

And I could only turn back, head hung low, mind crowded with thoughts that weren't necessarily welcome. But what else was the night for, if not to dwell in your own thoughts, lungs filled with unanswered prayers and eyes full of unshed tears?

As I trudged away, I wondered what it's like to have someone to care for, and someone caring for you. Like Jeongin and Chan, maybe. Not necessarily a lover - did I really want love? - but someone who understood you for who you were, who you could drop all the acts with, and show your raw self without fear. A soulmate, perhaps? You know, the first person you'd turn to for... for hope and life and feeling. Someone who you could share your happiness, sorrows, secrets, anger and dreams with. Someone who'd stay up for you until 2 in the morning, someone who'd encourage you to grow and step out of your comfort zone, push you forwards and stand right by your side. Unafraid to show their opinion, allowing you to express yourself in your rawest forms with no questions, just full acceptance. Someone who made life feel like dancing at the edge of a cliff, but everything would be okay as long as their hand was in yours.

Am I asking for too much?

Felix was always my safe place, my comfort. If I swam too far, got stuck in the deep end of the waters, he'd always be the one to pull me back and dry me off, sitting beside me as I spilled my fears to him. But I don't think he really understood, not fully, not completely. I'm grateful that he's there for me, and I do appreciate him for it. He doesn't really know how to respond, though, when I'm angry, when I lash out. I don't want to hurt him.

Seungmin: ever the smartass, ever the voice of reason. I don't know how many times I would have died if he wasn't there. Sensible, smart, A-grade student. I trust him with my secrets, with my life. He's not really one for letting me cry on his shoulder, but that's okay. Not everyone has to listen to all of my problems. There's so many of them I doubt anyone will have the time. He helps me solve mine when I need him, and that's enough.