Say you Love me

(26)Thantophobia

The phobia of losing someone you love

I miss the innocence of loving someone without the constant fear of losing them

I regret everything I did that day five years ago.

Every fucking thing.

why did I do what I did ????? I dont know but that will be a lie.

i am not justifying what i did and I will never do that because i blame myself till now.

Will you believe me if i say I wasn't in the right space of my mind? Will you believe me that i literally feel like breaking my hand whenever i relieve the moment when i pushed her?

You won't because what i did isn't forgivable, I didnt trust her i didnt even listen to her explanation.

i should have, I should have listened to her when i had the chance.

Why didnt I?

Keith said that i had a trauma ,which I might still have .

The fear of losing someone i love

or the psychologically term is abandonment issue.

Sometimes I feel like therapist are the person who will also say that a murderer isnt a murderer by choice . I am a murderer ,am i not?

Not literally but ami i not the the person who pushed Naomi to die?

I am filled with What if's and i dont have any answers to it.

I got nightmares of Naomi leaving me almost every day,sometimes she get vanishes in the wind, sometimes i am holding her lifeless body and the worst of all is when i saw myself pushed her in rage and she is falling down from the cliff.

If only i got a chance to rectify my mistake.

if only

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5 years ago

I was burning with rage after seeing her photos with that bastard Xavier.

I couldn't even control my anger or stoped my self from destroying everything in our room as soon as I entered our room.

How could she do that to me, and how could I let myself get involved knowing the fact that she was supposed to leave after a year.

Wasn't I the one who initiated the proposal of staying just for a year??!!! Wasnt I the fool who again followed the destruction path!!!

I knew what was going to happen, it alteady happened once so what difference could it be this time!!

By the time I slump down on the chair , I broke and destroyed everything in this room.

This room has her presence every where, wherever I look I could feel her laughing, sighing and singing loudly, I could see her roaming around the room with we towel wraped on her head and baggy clothes sticking to her wet bodies.

She stoped feeling conscious she was free and happy when she was around me or was it me who was happy and hopeful!!

I drank to the point I couldn't remember what was the time until I felt her, she don't know this but I can smell and feel her around even if she is far away from me.

"You are back!! " I asked as soon as he stepped in the dark room and tried to sound cold and emotionless.

Even when my heart is breaking and squuezing painfully.