Tortured Poets || Aaron Hotchner

Chapter 8 - Allison

Every time I left my office that day, I was terrified of running into Aaron. I didn't want to see him again because it felt like I was walking with a ticking bomb in my chest all day. I guess I lied when I said I don't have any feelings left for him. There was a time I wished for him to say these words to me. And even though the rational part of me knows I have to stay away, there is still a small part of me wants to believe him and jump in his arms again.

People say that it's hard being away from the person you love, but this time it's harder being close to him. So I decided to take a few days off and visit an old friend of mine back in Greece.

I can't wait to get on that plane and leave. But my flight is delayed and I can't quite use the unit's jet. So I'm stuck in the airport for now.

I storm into the bullpen of the 6th floor and run to Aaron's desk, ready to shot him.

"Hey, girl--"

"Shut up, Morgan!" I shut him down immediately.

Aaron hears me and spots me going for him, so he closes whatever file he is holding. "I thought you didn't want to talk to me again" he reminds me

I slam a printed email on his desk. "What the fuck is this?" I yell, not caring who's around.

He picks up the paper. "It looks like your email..." he points out the obvious

"Sent from your phone!" I circle the 'Sent from iphone' signature. I have a Samsung.

He takes a deep breath and then lets his chest deflate completely.

"You sent an email to the director, pretending to be me, telling him I can't accept the position in the Netherlands!".

I slap him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yell again. "We are not together anymore. You do not control me. I'm not the new girl you can toy with anymore. I am me and I am building my fucking career! I don't care if you don't like it. I don't care if you feel less of a man because of it! I am a fucking rockstar in this field, and you will not take that away from me!". I walk away, not waiting for his response.

Next thing I know, I was filing a lawsuit against him on the grounds of tortious interference. And he called me as soon as he was served. At first, I was set on ignoring him. I didn't show up to the bureau again because my transfer was pending. But he kept calling and texting until he came to find me at the airport; at this very spot. I was so close to leaving when I heard him call my name.

I freeze and cold sweat washes over me. I don't dare to turn around to face him.

"Doll..." he calls in a softer voice this time as he steps in front of me.

I look at him and I don't feel angry anymore. Even after the stunt he pulled, I feel my heart flutter for him. That can't be good or healthy. What else was I willing to forgive if I am considering to forgive him for almost ending my career? I have to leave for my own sake.

He puts his had on my arm and rubs it softly. "5 minutes, please" he says

I hate that I leaned into his touch. I hate that I let a tear flow. I hate that I want to hear his explanation. I hate that I am still hoping he'll admit he has feelings for me. I hate that I still love him.

"You have 2 minutes" I say eventually while avoiding to look at him.

"I am sorry. I am sorry for making you feel like you had to sacrifice your life for me. I am sorry for not listening. I am sorry for invalidating your emotions. I am sorry for trying to mess with your future. I am sorry for being jealous of your success. I am sorry for not supporting you. I am sorry for being weak. I am sorry for not being the man you need and deserve" he speaks

"The man I deserve..." I chuckle to myself as another tear runs down my cheek

"Yes, doll. I don't deserve all you have given me. You have been giving everything for so long, and I can't take it. You deserve someone who can put you before anything, who will support your career and your ambitions. I can't do that. I want to do it more than anything, but I can't. You deserve everything. And maybe one day, I'll believe that I deserve that kind of love too. But you don't deserve what I put you through" he insists.

"Ok" I nod.

That was the last time we spoke. As I was walking away from him, I could feel my heart break. A few days later, I dropped my lawsuit because I didn't want to see him again. And instead of appreciating it, he sent me his wedding invitation a year later. Because the saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from the enemy.

So here I am today, at the same place it all fell down, still sitting in a corner I haunt. Honestly, all of it hurt a lot. But it was never enough to make me hate him. And I'm so mad at myself for that. How can I still love him? How broken am I?

I take a breath and wipe my tears away. Tired of the voices in my head, I reach into my pocket and pop two pills in my mouth. I swallow them dry and try to relax. Normally, I'd wash them down with some cheap scotch which would speed up the process but passing just the pills through security was risky enough. At times like these I'm so thankful for my federal credentials.