A Court of Watchful Shadows

Radio Silence

The house of wind was quieter than it ever had been since my attempt. I wasn't allowed into town at all now as Rhysand decided it was best for me to be "watched"

It was ridiculous, and whoever watched to make sure I didn't try to kill myself again would barely say anything either, they'd just look at me with this wary look. Save for Azriel who refuses to come near me these days.

One person who had tried to make conversation was Feyre, over a game of chess, which I obviously won.

She'd instantly brought up Azriel, clearly meddling in the relationship, then again there's not much else to do around here.

"Do you like him?" Straight to the point then.
I didn't reply, I wasn't going to until I felt the words clawing their way out of my mouth. "I don't want to"

She looked up from the game at me, perking up "but you do?"

I said nothing this time. No reply needed, she could see it written all over my face.

Azriel on the other hand, I had tried to speak to on countless occasions.

There was one day he'd been speaking with Cassian in the dining area, something about a Hybern mission when I last attempted to speak to him.

I'd approached them and Cassian looked up though Azriel still refused to look at me "Azriel I need to speak with you-"

"No." He put his hand up "can't you see we're having a conversation, let us finish."

My mouth hung open in shock

For once my sharp tongue failed me, I had been silenced. I was also slightly miffed that he'd spoken to me as though I were a child.

I turned around and headed back to my room in defeat.

I've tried everything to get him to speak to me, from 'accidentally' breaking plates to attempting to dine with him, to which he shovels his food in faster than usual and leaves.

I'd finally pushed him to his limit. My mate. Why hadn't I just accepted the mating bond and been happy? Why do I deny myself such happiness over and over.

He was done with it. Done with my cruel remarks and name calling, done with my nasty looks and negative outlook. Done with me...

I can't say I blame him or any of the others avoiding me. I wouldn't want to be around me either.

It did pain me though. It was a kind of agony that was worse than the aftermath of Amarantha, because I'd lost something I never let myself enjoy. When you look at the sunny side of things it begins to rain, and I'd been proven time and time again.

Cauldron I swear if you let me live in the sunny side of things I'll appreciate it as much as the rain, just one chance with my mate.

~~
The days once again blurred together, I hardly remembered any of my conversations due to the depressive haze I was in, guzzling wine like it was water, which is what led me here...the door to his room.

It felt strange considering the last time I'd come knocking it was so I could trick him into flying me down to take my own life, to get away from it all, from him.

And here I was in my drunken haze about to beg for a slither of his attention.

I didn't bother knocking, any sense to knock had been drunken away with the second or third bottle.

I stumble into the room, almost tripping over an array of weapons he had either side of the door. My legs wobbling beneath me as I stride over to his bed, and climb onto it shaking him awake.

His shadows instantly snap around my throat, his eyes open and he sits up with a start, the black dagger in his hand gleaming as he held it upright, pointing at me.

"Do it." I said

He realised it was me and he sighed and slid his hand down his face "Ziláa, leave."

"No, I've come to talk to you, and tell you the truth!"

"Considering the fact you've been drinking, I highly doubt it'll be the truth."

"I haven't been drinking!"

He gripped my chin "oh yeah?" I gulped at his domineering contact "why can I smell faerie wine on your breath then? You lie about everything, go to bed."

"No, not until you hear me out!"

"I've heard enough" he stood and threw me, kicking and screaming, over his shoulder, putting me out of the room and closing the door in my face.

I sunk to the floor sobbing, and began to shout at him about how I was trying to resurrect my mother, calling him every single name under the sun. Though I'm sure he'd stopped listening after a while.

When my eyes finally dried I gave up and went to bed, though I doubt I was going to sleep much, I had too much wallowing to do.