A Court of Watchful Shadows

Insanity

~20 days since Hybern~

                      Azriel
Wind whipped around me, cracking against my wings in sharp lashes of ice cold air as I flew on. It was now my daily routine to fly as much of Prythian as I could before my energy gives out. Searching for her across the peaks and through the forests of the nearest courts.

Where is she where is she where is she

The same sentence my shadows have been repeating for weeks, driving me past the point of insanity.

The information Elain had given me and Rhys hadn't done much to help no matter how useful it was. I've been tripling my number of spies everywhere, Hybern is crawling with them, but to no avail. I had yet to share the information with my brothers, as soon as I was told I shot to the skies, I've been searching as much of Prythian I can every morning since.

~~
The exhaustion ran through my skin into my bones as I landed on the red stone that was the house of wind. I never wanted to meet with Rhysand in the townhouse these days, just here, where Ziláa's things were.

We never should have brought her on that mission.

"Az....you look.." Rhys began, I could see on his face he was trying not to say it, though Cassian beat him to it.

"Like shit brother, come inside before you scare away the birds" Cassian joked, I had no energy to smile though.

He also wasn't wrong, I did look like shit. I stuck out like a sore thumb in the grand dining room of this house, I've barely been washing nor have I looked in the mirror once, my shadows were driving me to a level of madness I hadn't been subjected to in years since I mastered them.

Rhys coughed as he shut the door behind us, trying to break the awkward silence. Cassian then spoke as though the cough was meant for him "Any luck?"

I slumped into a chair on the dining table, letting out a sigh of relief at the rest my muscles very much needed. "Not really, I know for a fact she's not in Hybern...and I don't...I don't know.."

"If that makes things easier or harder." Rhysand spoke, finishing my sentence for me. I let my head hang low, giving a small nod in response.

Get her back get her back get her back

My shadows pestered me, and I physically shook to try to get rid of them.

"Az, you're wasting away, I can see your shadows are becoming too much for you already, when was the last time you slept?" Rhysand scolded me as I shrugged back at him.

Cassian chimed in "Maybe you should let us take over, it's clearly becoming too much and-"

"No Cassian. Too much? It's not enough, I'm not doing enough clearly! She should be here right now, with us, safe and..." I half broke down, storming down the hall. I didn't want my brothers to see me like this, I need to keep it together for them and for Ziláa.

~~
The water droplets sparkled down from the shower head but no steam rose. I know it's not going to save Ziláa, punishing myself by taking cold showers when I did bring myself to wash, but I feel I deserve it, it's my fault she was put into danger in the first place.

I let the water roll off the back of my wings as I shivered, the cold stiffening my wings more. The one good thing about a cold shower was it kept my shadows at bay, I don't think they take to the cold very well, or they're finally showing me mercy.

I traced the lines of the marble shower wall with my eyes as I thought of her. Her scent that I'd give anything to breathe in again. Her laugh I'd only heard few times that stained my mind like permanent marker.

With each line I traced a new memory of her would fill my mind, refilling my determination to find her again. I'd need to pull all my spies from Hybern and utilise them in other areas, even glamouring a dozen and sending them to the human lands.

She could be anywhere, she could be...

No.

She wasn't dead.

I knew it in my heart she wasn't, I still felt her down the bond though it was much weaker now it was there. I wonder if she feels me too.