Without you. - [Chenford Story]

Chap 4 : Guilt.

It took him two weeks to made an appointement with a shrink. He was still doubtful on the idea, but he promessed Angela to give it a try. He was sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his finger. He took it from her. What he was doing here ? He knew nothing is going to change. The shrink won't bring her back. " Mr Bradford ? ". Too late to go back. He took a deep breath and followed the doctor. He sat on the sofa. The shrink sat in front of him, with a booknote and a pen " so predictable " he thought. 

Dr - Mr Bradford, tell me why you're here. 
T - My wife died almost three months ago. I promissed my bestfriend to make an appointement
Dr - I'm sorry sir.. Is that ok with you i'm asking question about her ?
T - I guess. I'm here for that.
Dr - Good. What happened ? Was she sick ?
T - No, she was killed on duty, she was a police officer. We worked together.
Dr - Were you there ?
T - No, but i wish i was
DR - Why ?
T - Protect her..
DR - Are you feeling guilty ?
T - Of course i am. It was my job to protect her.
DR - Are you sure ?
T - Sorry ?
DR - Was it your job that day ? To protect her ?
T - It was not my job, but my husband duty.. She was my wife and the mother of our daughter
DR - But that day, were you the husband or the police officer ?
T - The second one.
DR - Ok, so you did what you were train for " To protect and to serve " right ?. You were not the one who killed her. Someone did, not you.
T - It doesn't change the fact she's dead, and i did nothing.
DR - You mentionned you have a daughter ?
T - Yes, she will turn one next month.
DR - You want to talk about her ?
T - She's an happy baby, i see her mother in the way she looks at me. She's always smilling, She crawls like a champion. She's the sunshine in all that darkness.

The room was silent. The shrink looked at him. She listened to him, she found something. He said " She's the sunshine in all that darkness. ", he opened himself. She wanted to let him lead the session. She always began with some questions, it helped. Still no words. His body was speaking for him : He was stressed, fidgeting again with his fingers, having a look on his watch. They were in silence since 5 minutes.

T - I have to be strong for her. She doesn't have her mum anymore. I can't disapointed her. But it's so hard. We were supposed to live that together, and she's not here. I'm trying my best, and to be honest, i don't know if i'm going in the good direction. I miss her. I miss everything she was, she said. She not here but she is everywhere. Almost 3 months after, i still need to call her phone to hear her voice. What if one day i forget it ? I'm not ready, hm, no i'm not. We were supposed to have a lifetime together. Now i have to raise my kid by my own, because someone decided to take her life. So tell me doc, how are you going to help me ?

She listened to him. It was hard for him to share his feelings, his thoughts. She put her notebook on the table in front of her. She was ready to talk.

DR - Even if that sounds crazy, i'm not going to help you. You are going to help you Sir. I will guide you, i will give you keys, but you will find your way. But let me tell you one thing : You won't forget her voice or her, she will always be a part of you. You will just learn to live with. Somedays will be more easier than other. Next session same day, same hour next week ?
T - Sounds good for me.

And five minutes after he was sitting in his car, riding to his house. Tamara was babysitting Ellie today. He was happy to find them playing in the living room. The baby girl was standing on her feet, her hands on the couch. They spendt the rest of the day playing, watching movie before Tamara left them. He fed his girl before bedtime, read her a story and hugged her for a while. She felt asleep in his arm. He watched her for a bit and finaly let her slept in her bedroom. He went back to his living room, and served himself a glass of wiskey before he dialed Angela's number.

A - No Jackson, you can't fly on your own if you jump from the roof, don't ever try it, understand ? Sorry Tim, how are you ?
T - I can call back later if you want
A - No it's ok, Wes is going to handle this. So, was it today ?
T - Yeah
A - And ?
T - And i'm going back same day next week
A - Did it help a bit ?
T - Not sure. She asked questions, i answered, i shared. Shrink session
A - It's just a begining Tim, it was one session. Give it a chance.
T - Will see. I realised something so.
A - What ?
T - Ellie is turning one next month.
A - You are kidding.
T - No i'm not. Am i supposed to do something ?
A - It's up to you Tim. But you know a lot of people love her. You can also start new memories for her, for you. I could be a nice thing. Some friends, cake, gifts, photos, musique, balloons.
T - Will you help me ? I mean, you have to help me, you are her godmother.
A - I didn't sign anything Bradford, but, as i love her, i will help you..

They talked about that birthday before hang up. He was happy to have her in his life. Ellie started to cry. Tim went to find her. She lost her dummy. He took her, sat in the chair and rocked her. She felt asleep in this arm again. He could stay hours like this. But something came into his mind. He took his phone and send her a text.

From Tim to Angela :
" Will you be there for her in every step of her life ? She will probably need a mother figure for some things, she will need to talk to a woman, she will need advice i can't give. Will you ? "

He looked at her. He was so afraid to miss something. His phone vibrated.

From Angela to Tim :
" Of course i will Tim. You didn't have to ask. I will be here, everytime she will need it, and even when she won't need me. She will need an ally when her dad will drive her crazy because she will want to go on a date with her boyfriend. I will protect her the same way i do with mines. "

From Tim to Angela :
" I'm going to skip the date with the boyfriend part, but thank you. "

He laugh, stood up and put her daughter in her crib.

T - Auntie Angela is crazy. You will be not allowed to date boys before 30 you hear me?

He kissed her, and closed the door. He went back to his bedroom to his bed. His baby will turn one in a month...

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20/05/2024 : Hi everyone! Hope you will like it. I tri to find time to write those days, not easy but here we are. Please vote and comment, it helps !
Thank you so much for reading ! xx