Without you. - [Chenford Story]

Chap 4 : Guilt.

It took him two weeks to make an appointment with a shrink. He was still doubtful about the idea, but he promised Angela to give it a try. He was sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his fingers. He took it from her. What was he doing here? He knew nothing was going to change. The shrink wouldn't bring her back.

"Mr. Bradford?"

Too late to turn back now. He took a deep breath and followed the doctor into the office. Sitting on the sofa, he watched the therapist settle in across from him, notebook and pen in hand. So predictable, he thought.

" Mr. Bradford, tell me why you're here."

" My wife died almost three months ago. I promised my best friend I'd make an appointment"

" II'm so sorry for your loss. Is it okay if I ask questions about her?"

" I guess. I'm here for that."

" Good. What happened? Was she sick?"

"No, she was killed on duty. She was a police officer. We worked together."

"Were you there?"

"No, but I wish I had been."

" Why? "

"To protect her."

"Are you feeling guilty?"

"Of course I am. It was my job to protect her."

"Are you sure?"

"Sorry?"

"Was it your job that day to protect her?"

"It wasn't my job, but it was my duty as her husband. She was my wife and the mother of our daughter."

"But that day, were you the husband or the police officer?"

"The second one."

"Okay, so you did what you were trained for: 'To protect and to serve,' right? You were not the one who killed her. Someone did. Not you."

"It doesn't change the fact she's dead, and I did nothing."

"You mentioned you have a daughter?"

"Yes, she will turn one next month."

"Do you want to talk about her?"

"She's a happy baby. I see her mother in the way she looks at me. She's always smiling. She crawls like a champion. She's the sunshine in all that darkness."

The room was silent. The shrink looked at him. She listened to him. She found something. He said, "She's the sunshine in all that darkness." He opened himself. She wanted to let him lead the session. She always began with some questions; it helped. Still no words. His body was speaking for him: he was stressed, fidgeting again with his fingers, having a look at his watch. They had been in silence for five minutes.

" I have to be strong for her. She doesn't have her mom anymore, and I can't let her down. But it's so hard. We were supposed to do this together, and she's not here. I'm trying my best, but honestly, I don't know if I'm on the right track. I miss her. I miss everything about her. Almost three months later, and I still need to call her phone just to hear her voice. What if I forget it one day? I'm not ready. No, I'm not. We were supposed to have a lifetime together, but now I'm raising our daughter alone because someone decided to take her life. So, tell me, Doc—how are you going to help me? "

She listened to him. It was hard for him to share his feelings, his thoughts. She put her notebook on the table in front of her. She was ready to talk.

" Even if it sounds strange, I'm not going to help you. You are going to help yourself. I'll guide you, I'll give you tools, but you'll find your own way. And let me tell you this—you won't forget her voice, or her. She'll always be a part of you. You'll just learn to live with it. Some days will be easier than others. Same time next week?"

"Sounds good to me."

And five minutes later, he was sitting in his car, driving to his house. Tamara was babysitting Ellie today. He was happy to find them playing in the living room. The baby girl was standing on her feet, her hands on the couch. They spent the rest of the day playing and watching movies before Tamara left them. He fed his girl before bedtime, read her a story, and hugged her for a while. She fell asleep in his arms. He watched her for a bit and finally let her sleep in her bedroom. He went back to his living room and served himself a glass of whiskey before he dialed Angela's number.

"No, Jackson, you can't fly on your own if you jump from the roof. Don't ever try it, understand? Sorry, Tim, how are you?"

"I can call back later if you want."

"No, it's okay. Wes is going to handle this. So, was it today?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"And I'm going back same day next week."

"Did it help a bit?"

"Not sure. She asked questions, I answered, I shared. Shrink session."

"It's just the beginning, Tim. It was one session. Give it a chance."

"We'll see. I realized something, though."

"What?"

"Ellie is turning one next month."

"You're kidding."

"No, I'm not. Am I supposed to do something?"

"It's up to you, Tim. But you know a lot of people love her. You can also start new memories for her and for you. It could be a nice thing—some friends, cake, gifts, photos, music, balloons."

"Will you help me? I mean, you have to help me. You are her godmother."

"I didn't sign anything, Bradford, but as I love her, I will help you."

They talked about that birthday before hanging up. He was happy to have her in his life. Ellie started to cry. Tim went to find her. She had lost her dummy. He took her, sat in the chair, and rocked her. She fell asleep in his arms again. He could stay like this for hours. Later, after putting her in her bed he watched her sleep, a thought crossed his mind. He grabbed his phone and sent Angela a text.

From Tim to Angela:
"Will you be there for her in every step of her life? She'll need a mother figure for things I can't help her with—advice, support, the kind of things only a woman can give. Will you?"

He looked at her. He was so afraid to miss something. His phone vibrated.

From Angela to Tim:
"Of course, Tim. You didn't even have to ask. I'll be there, every time she needs me—and even when she doesn't. She'll need an ally when her dad drives her crazy, like when she wants to go on a date with her boyfriend. I'll protect her like I protect my own."

From Tim to Angela:
" I'm going to pretend I didn't read the boyfriend part, but thank you."

He chuckled softly and returned to Ellie's room.

"Auntie Angela is crazy. You will not be allowed to date boys before you're 30, you hear me?"

He kissed her forehead and headed to bed. His baby girl was turning one soon.

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20/05/2024 : Hi everyone! Hope you will like it. I tri to find time to write those days, not easy but here we are. Please vote and comment, it helps !
Thank you so much for reading ! xx