Nothing without you[Nickloon]

chapter 11 - Why

I'm gonna act like an insecure girlfriend to every comment I get.
--------------

Balloons pov :

I watch in shock as Nickel runs away from me, I try to call out for him, but he doesn't even try to look back once.

I cough out more water as I'm visibly shaking, I almost drowned.. but somehow, Nickel helped me.

I thought he hated me. What happened to him all of a sudden? 1st, he changed his room. He would've most likely asked me to change, but he didn't, and now he's helping me. What is going on?

I go back to the hotel to dry myself up, I walk upstairs to my room as I click open the door.

I get inside to see Box. Obviously , it was now that I realised that I was all alone again.
It reminded me back before early S2 when I got eliminated.
I grip tight on my arm as I think about the sheer moments of pain I felt.
I'm so glad I don't feel that way anymore.
But I'm scared that Nickel will. He isolated himself completely because of  me.

I felt a burning heat in my chest, if only I could've just had a talk with him.. why do I still like him.
He hurt me and hurt me over again, and he will keep hurting me every time he has the chance.

But.. I still like him, no, I love him.

I looked down at the ground as I walked back to my bed, I felt overwhelmed, and I didn't like this place like how I used to.

I couldn't even sleep, even tho I was too tired to stay awake. I shut my eyes, praying for the morning not to come, I don't want things to change, I hated change.
Especially with myself, I changed my identity for what? A  dumb competition show.

My mind kept swarming around as I felt the sunlight grasp onto my covers, I hadn't slept all day, I blink my eyes a few times to realise Box was no longer on their bed, weird but eh, it's time to get up anyway.

I click open the bathroom door as I head inside. I look into the mirror as I see myself and.. me..?
Wait.. what?

"This is all your fault, and you know it."

My eyes widened as I looked back, startled to see a reflection of me standing.

I was in utter shock. The words I wanted to say weren't mustering up.

"Pathetic as usual, no wonder Nickel doesn't want to see a face like yours."
Reflection me spoke again.

"Wh-wha- how-who-."
My breath was shaking, and my vocal chords were trembling.

"Nothing to say, can you? So stay quiet and listen to me."
Reflection me commanded.

"WHY do you think Nickel wants to hide himself from you?."

"I-."

"You're a freak."

"Wha-."

"A manipulator, a liar, a horrible person, the bad guy, isn't that what they all call you?"

"That-that was in the past.."

"And you think people won't think about it in the future?"

I stayed silent, I was scared, but I wanted to hear more.

"You've hurt so many people, but mostly Nickel. You still love him after all, don't you?"

"I... I don't know.."

"Don't you feel a little regret?"

My heart was beating faster, I didn't understand what was happening with me.
How.. how am I talking to myself?

"Don't you feel ashamed? You hurt Nickel."

But he's right. I'm the one who hurt him, I'm the one who's a liar. IM THE ONE WHOS ALWAYS WRONG.

Anger filled me up, I don't wanna be treated like this. It always has to be my fault. They don't understand how they treated me. They don't understand how HE treated me,

My eyes started to tear up.

"Why.."
I speak up

"What?"

"WHY!? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE MY FAULT?! WHY CANT THEY SEE HOW MUCH PAIN I HAD TO GO THROUGH! Why.."

my voice broke off, and my eyes were filled with tears as it came pouring, I let  everything out, why does it still feel so overwhelming.

I couldn't do anything in that moment other than to look down with my hands crawling up to a fist.

"There's another way to get your feelings out."
Reflection me, grabbed my hand, and pressed something in it.
I look down at my hand and see a.. small pocket knife.

"H-huh..?"

"You want to do this."

"Wh-what?.."

I looked in confusion, I could feel sharp pains on my arms, but it didn't bother to look. If anything, I felt a little calm with the pain.

"You know everything. I am you, and right now, this is nothing but you talking with yourself."

"!"
I let out a small gasp of hesitation before I realised there was nothing behind me. It was all in front of me.

I stared in the mirror as I looked down at the sink and saw blood. It was then I realised everything I just saw and heard. It was all me.

I looked down on my hands and saw cuts on each side. Looking at the blood drip started making me uneasy. Why did I do this?

I felt a cold tear leave my eye as it rolled down my cheek on my face. The tear made me feel.. I don't know.. Good..? Or happy.. but I'm clearly not smiling..

I look up to the mirror to realise how empty my eyes look, feeling creeps in me again.

I feel the need to vomit, but I don't feel sick. It was like putting a hydraulic press on my chest and slowly squishing it until it's left with nothing.

I did this all.. just because of Nickel, thinking about him made me feel better. Even when we fought, it felt nice to even notice him around here and there.

A small smile crept up on my face.. thinking about Nickel. But.. u don't know if I can even trust him to say the least.

I quickly stopped thinking more and more about him as I opened the tap to was off the blood.

Even today, we are forgetting about each other. Isn't that true?
But I still can't help but hold on to you.

-----------

1051 WORDS