Struggling to Breathe

Cobalt

When Iris left, I sat down on my bed and sighed deeply. I rolled up my sleeves and winced at myself. Why was I doing this again?

Your dad died. Your sister is dying. Your mam can't cope anymore. You're useless. No one likes you.

Oh yeah.

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I sat down on my bed, an hour later, and stared at my reflection in the mirror in my wardrobe. I was shirtless, staring at my skinny body. I was killing myself so slowly.

But it didn't feel like I was killing myself, because I was already dead inside.

I sighed and put my head in my hands in exasperation. I felt so damn... sad. Sad.

I shook my head and felt tears stream down my face. I wanted to sleep. I just wanted to sleep. I looked over at the window, and there was that temptation.

NO. Fern, remember Fern.

I held onto that. The only thing keeping me alive right now was Fern. She kept me going. I dropped out of school. I couldn't cope with it, I was hardly able to get out of bed.

I clutched my knees close to my chest and rocked back and forth slightly. I swallowed in the silence and died a little inside again, as I did regularly.

I wished the entire world would melt away. I just wanted this pain to be gone, it was agonising. I hated it, so much, oh my god I hated it so much...

I stood up and walked over to the window. I drew back the curtains and looked out. It was dark.

Okay, I was going to do it.

I grabbed a hoodie and threw on a pair of shoes, sneaking down the stairs and out the door. I closed it carefully and locked it behind me.

I ran down the empty street. I skidded to a stop by the church and around the back of it, to the well lit graveyard. 2 other mourners were there, one a sobbing wife, the other a sad old man.

I weaved around the upright stones towards one near the back, by the dead tree. I crossed my legs and sat down on the grass by the grave.

THE LATE GARETH NOLAN
DIED APRIL 15TH 2013
BORN JUNE 7TH 1970
MAY HIS SOUL R.I.P

I stared at the words on the block of concrete. The idea that such a great man could be just gone like that just killed me...

Why? Why did he have to leave?

I dug my hands into the grass and threw them in anger. I stood up and kicked the tree angrily, probably breaking my big toe. I didn't give a shit.

I just didn't care anymore.

I tried to knock over the stone bench, when I felt some hands on my shoulder. I turned in anger and saw, of all people, Iris looking at me worriedly.

"Hey, calm down," she whispered. I bunched my hands into fists and turned away from her, controlling my anger. "Sebs, calm down."

I stood in front of her. She suddenly grew slightly nervous, crossing her arms. She then looked me in the eyes and opened her arms slowly.

I let her wind her arms around my waist and pull me close. I let her put her head against my shoulder and comfort me. I even let myself wrap my arms around her and suddenly collapse into her.

We both dropped to the ground and just knelt there, hugging eachother silently. She held me and I held her gently, and she just knocked the anger out of me. She rubbed my back and hugged me tighter.

"You're so cold," she murmured. "Come on, you can come back to mine, there's a bus leaving in 10 minutes from here to outside the town."

I let her pull me along to the bus stop, not having the energy to stop her. We got onto the bus and the bus driver let us on with no fare, as I looked like I was about to collapse at any second.

We got off after 40 minutes and walked down a quiet lane I recognised. We walked by the small bungalow my gran lived in, and walked past 2 other houses until we reached her large 2 storey house.

She opened the door and escorted me in, making sure I didn't fall. She brought me up the stairs and into her room, where she put me down on her bed and ran out into the hall to call my mother.

I lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. I was tired and I needed to sleep.

But I couldn't sleep... I couldn't.

Iris walked in a few minutes with a blanket, a coffee and a hot water bottle. "You look so cold," she worried as she wrapped the warm towel around me. She sat me up against her head board and the hot water bottle was slipped under my feet. I didn't even remember talking off my shoes.

"Drink, I put in one sugar, no milk, just how you like it," Iris said as she pressed the coffee cup in my hands. How did she know that?

"How do you know that?" I asked, thinking out loud.

"You made coffee when I went to yours today. Don't you remember?"

I shook my head. I couldn't remember a lot. "Why were you there?" I asked again.

She sighed. "I always go to the graveyard on a Wednesday. I put flowers on my great uncles grave, nothing much really, I come home straight after. It's never empty, so I don't mind really... I didn't expect to see you there so late though."

I sighed and took a sip of the beautifully bitter coffee. It hit the back of my throat with a little slap. I shivered and sighed again with satisfaction. "I don't know why I go out, I just feel this impulse to do do."

She nodded with understanding, rubbing my arm gently. "Don't do it again Sebastian, call me or someone to go with you. You're not very stable, and I don't want to say that, but that's what I see."

I nodded mutely. "I know," is all I could say.

She sighed. "You can stay here for the night if you want?"

I liked that idea. I could feel so much less lonely here. I might even sleep. I nodded again.

"Okay, I'll sleep downstairs, on the-"

"No," I said without thinking. "Can you sleep up here with me, please?"

She looked at me and half smiled. "Yeah, okay, let me just put on my pyjamas and tell mum, okay?" She cooed.

I waited for her to go and do whatever she must, before she came back wearing fluffy trousers and a tank top. I put down the drained coffee cup and scooted over to give her room to lay down beside me.

She smiled and lay down beside me, wrapping her arms around me, keeping me warm. I found myself pulling her closer, almost instinctively. She fell asleep almost immediately.

And in that moment, I think I began to fall in love with a sleeping angel.