Struggling to Breathe

Opaque

As I sat in the park, with my head in my hands, I felt a deep shiver run up my back. She was here, and she was probably pissed off.

"Hello," the voice said quietly, sitting beside me.

"Hey," I replied, not looking at her.

We both sat in silence for a few moments. "You know why I called you here, yeah?" She asked.

I nodded slowly. "Sadly."

The silence crept in between us, but it was anything but awkward. The tension increased as the time passed.

"Sebastian," she began.

I looked out at the park, staring at the trees as their branches stretched out like arms, reaching out to the dark, cloud filled sky. The sun hid behind them somewhere, and I sought it, wishing I could bask in it for a few moments.

"Where to begin?" I asked after a couple of minutes.

"Well let's start with your obvious problem."

I turned and looked at Mossy, my expression dead. "Moss, I'm fine," I lied, as I had many times before.

"Sebs. Iris doesn't have anyone to talk to, apart from me. Don't try this."

I rubbed my face and looked off again. "What do you want to know?" I asked.

"I already know what I need to know. What I want to know is why?" She hissed. Mossy never spoke, well, rarely. Now she sounded pissed.

"Iris is fine, I'm fine, and any issues we have, it's between us to sort out," I muttured.

"You hit her. Not just once by accident either. Several times, regularly almost, and she's hurt, but she won't admit it because she has no one to admit it to!"

My eyes flared red and I turned to Mossy. "It's none of your business," I calmly stated.

"It is when an innocent girl is getting hurt, and she doesn't need to," Mossy shot back.

"It's none of your business!" I repeated loudly.

"She deserves so much damn better than-"

"Shut up!" I yelled. Mossy went quiet, but her angry expression stayed in place.

"Don't you ever shout at me," she threatened, her voice low and dangerous. "I'm not afraid of you."

I stared into her judgemental eyes. The anger began to flush out of me, and I groaned in frustration and dug the heels of my hands into my eyes. "It's not just me, it's fucking Meena too," I grumbled.

"Meena?" Mossy asked.

"Meena hits Iris, she threatens her," I explained, trying to escape the blame. "She thinks she was made for me or something."

"How do you know this?" Meena asked.

"I saw it myself," I said, before realising what I stupidly just said.

"So you watch your girlfriend get beaten up, and don't do anything?" Mossy gasped, horrified.

"I... I mean, I can't exactly, like- it's not-" I stammered.

"No!" She yelled, shocked. "That is much worse than I even thought, how could you even call yourself her boyfriend?! What kind of person does that? Why?"

I dug my face in my hands again. "Mossy," I whispered, my voice hoarse. "I'm so lonely without her, I need her, I can't let her go."

Mossy sat back down slowly. "Why can't you? You've never tried?"

I looked up at her, and felt the tears roll down. "I did, I tried. And this happened."

I rolled up my sleeves, the ones that never went up. There, both fresh and old scars lay, over a hundred I'd say, on each arm. It was disgusting.

Mossy looked at them sadly, her hands going to her own wrists. She rolled her own up to reveal soft, clear, pale wrists. I sighed. "Everytime I hurt her, everytime I do something stupid... This is my punishment."

The silence spread evenly between us, not quite comforting, but not awkward either. "Does she know?" Mossy whispered quietly.

I shook my head. I had been so careful to hide the fresh scars from Iris, so she wouldn't feel like it was her fault. It wasn't. It was mine.

"You've been so... careless lately."

I looked up. "What do you mean?"

Mossy looked down at her hands. "You used to smile, or get involved in the conversation, no matter what... but now, you just sit back, act like you don't care at all, you're so quiet, so secluded..."

I leant back and looked up at the clouds, shaking my head. "What else am I going to do? Be happy and cheerful? In such a sort space of time, I've lost my whole family in different ways. Mam is still in hospital. Fern won't wake up. Dad is dead. All I have is Iris, and my Gran. You guys try to help, but the thing is, you don't understand, and I need people to understand."

Mossy sighed. "Sebs. You're... you're in a state of depression, as a therapist would say. You need help, or else you're going to hurt everyone else."

I shook my head. "No, no that won't help, I don't want a therapist, I'm not insane," I argued.

"They really help," Mossy encouraged.

"No."

Mossy sighed and absently plaited a piece of her green dyed hair quietly. We were quiet again, and I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out.

"I hate you for doing what you're doing to Iris," Mossy said after a few moments. "It reminds me of how my grandad used to treat my mam."

I glanced at her and sighed. "I don't want to be like this," I said. "But I just get so mad..."

"Go home," she said. "Change, Sebs. You can change. Just go home and plan it, because you can do it."

No one ever believed I could do anything. "But... but what if I can't?"

"Then you'll do what's right, and let her go, for her own good. If you really care about her, you'll stop being selfish and let her go."

I heard the words, but I didn't want to process them. Let Iris go? That... that was an awful idea.

I should've listened.