Struggling to Breathe

Scarlet

I sat down at my desk and opened my black diary, the one my uncle gave me when I was 10 to write in if emotions got too big.

Fuck if I seemed like a girl.

I have emotions.

I opened it on a fresh page after my last big event and began to scribble as quick as I could.

April 15th

Dear Whatever The Fuck This Is,

Okay so today was bad. And yesterday was okay I guess... Today was worse though. So much worse.

It started off great. Like amazing. I was sitting down at my kitchen table yesterdah with mam (it was my birthday) and dad came down to tell me to wear a helmet. I asked him why and he showed me the skateboard I've been dreaming of for months.

I took her for a ride and literally couldn't get over it. I hugged dad so hard.

Fern felt left out, so dad promised to take Fern on a trip out in the Ambulance during his next call, no matter what time of day/night it was. She was so excited.

Of course, luck being on our side (not), dad didn't get a call till four thirteen in the morning. He woke up Fern and brought her off.

I thought to myself, 'oh yeah, this will be great for her, she always talks about being a nurse, maybe now she'll get to see what it's like, and she's definitely brave enough.'

When I woke up, they still weren't home.

Two hours ago mam got a phone call. She burst out crying after wards.

Dad was after putting a drunk patient in the back, and he leapt through the small window between the driving area and the cabin. He hit dad, and dad swerved off the road.

Dad died instantly.

Fern's in hospital. She can't move. She's in a coma. I can't bear it.

She's going to die.

I should have taken her place; or I should have died, not dad.

I don't know what to do now. What do I do? Do I sit and pray like my gran is with my ma?

Pray... I'll pray for Fern to stay safe.

God help me, if God loves me he'll keep Fern safe.

I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything or be anyone or live.