Struggling to Breathe

Emerald.

We had been waiting for almost 3 hours, when the doctors called us in, to see Fern.

She was alive, she was awake, and she could smile.

"Sebby!" She cried as I entered the room

"Fern!" I replied and ran to her, hugging her gently. She seemed so feeble under all the tubes, but she was alive, and so full of life.

She stretched her arms and we all sat in the room as the doctors went over small exercises with her.

"Now, unfortunately... you may not be able to walk for a few months, maybe a year. Between the crash and the lack of proper movement over the last months... you haven't been very active," the nurse explained.

Fern looked at me confusingly. "Months?" She repeated.

"Yeah," I replied. "You've been in a coma for months now, Fern."

She closed her eyes, like she was trying to remember. The policeman in the room took the chance. "Can you remember what happened?" He asked.

I scowled at him, not wanting Fern to get upset, but she seemed okay. "I remember the man in the back reaching through the window," she murmured. "And he grabbed my pink dress, like he was going to hurt me. Then dad swerved and after that... I fell asleep."

I stroked her hair and held her close. "It's okay," I said. The nurse gestured for the policeman to leave, as Fern's eyes filled with tears as she held onto me.

I could feel her small person by me, I could feel her presence, she was alive, breathing, there...

A few hours later, I was sitting in the waiting room, smiling. The guys had visited and they made sure I was okay.

Now, I want you, yes, you as a person, to just appreciate this moment. Just appreciate that everything was okay in that moment, and getting better.

Now the detail.

I sat on the very uncomfortable waiting room chair beside gran. She was asleep, so I had my phone on silent. I felt it silently buzz in my pocket.

I opened my phone to see a text from Iris, as she wanted me to go to the all night cafe across the road, because she wasn't allowed in the hospital.

I texted her, Yeah be there whenever.

I got up and walked over to the door, opened it quietly and stepped out into the cool air. The odd car would pass, asked I smiled at the lovely coolness of the air.

I suddenly stopped, as I saw Iris. She smiled and gestured me over. I crossed the road. We walked. We somehow reached the train station.

Something different about her.

Something different about the air tonight.

There was something wrong, I knew it... but I didn't believe it.

"What's the fastest way to get to a place?" Iris asked, as we sat at the old train station. Trains still flew by, but never stopped here.

"Well," I said, glancing at her. "Uh, plane I'd say, but trains are pretty fast too."

Iris nodded and looked down at herself. "Do I look okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, you look beautiful," I replied, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. She shied away, and shook her head.

"Good. Just never forget this moment then, okay?" She asked.

I tilted my head at her, but didn't ask her anything.

"Sebby," she whispered. I heard the ring of a train in the distance, still far off, but it was somehow important.

"Yes?" I asked as the train got closer, but it was still far.

"Don't forget what's important," she whispered. "And that some times you make mistakes..."

I looked at Iris. "Iris?" I asked.

The train got closer.

"There's only one place some people belong," she went on, standing up.

I stood up beside her. "Iris."

She walked up to the edge of the train track, to the decking, where there was a hefty drop. I followed her hastily.

"You don't realise how important you are until you see that you actually aren't."

I stood behind her as she gazed out at the stars and the moon peeking through the trees.

"Iris..." I murmured. "Are you moving away?"

Iris turned towards me. "It hurts Sebby. It hurts so much to be here. I'm struggling to love, to live, to breathe... you need to continue everything, even the book, without me..."

I grabbed her waist. "Don't move away, I don't want you to leave," I said, my words having a different meaning to me, but she would know the deeper meaning to them.

"Sebastian," she murmured. "You can live without me. Happiness isn't what you have, it's what you are."

I held her closer as the lights of the train were now visible very very far off. "Where are you moving? I'll go too," I begged.

She stroked my face and looked into my eyes with those grey eyes. "I'm moving somewhere peaceful," she whispered, replying to me finally.

"But... let me come, where is it?" I asked.

She didn't say anything, just looked into my eyes.

"Where is it?!" I said, raising my voice as the train got louder and closer. Iris simply looked at me.

"Where is it!" I yelled as the train was meters away.

In slow motion, I could hear her whisper, somehow, above the deafening sound of the train... "I love you, Sebastian." She leant forward and kissed me.

Iris pushed off my chest.

And for the first time ever, I did something I will forever regret and forever remember and forever hate myself for.

I let go of Iris.