Struggling to Breathe

Fuchsia

I sat in the waiting room, tears forming in my eyes. It had been 3 hours, and mam was still in there. I don't know what happened to her, it almost seemed like some kind of fit she had gone into. She had swallowed her tongue, and went unconscious by the time the paramedics had arrived.

I used to be skilled in these situations. I used to know what to do, how to identify what was wrong, thanks to dad. But I panicked. This wasn't a dummy, or even a stranger, this was mam.

I was curled in a corner, screaming for mum to stop choking and stop dying on me, when the paramedics arrived. I sat on the chair now, a blanket covering me, and a nurse not too far away, checking on me every few moments. Fern was being watched by Gran, so I was alone here.

"Do you want me to call you someone sweetie?" The nurse asked. Iris came to mind, but I shook my head. She didn't need to see me like this. The nurse kept bringing me water, which I downed in three gulps.

I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes, worry about mam. I couldn't keep living like this, so alone.

I began to drift off into a dream of senseless wonder...

I wake up by a beach. There, I see it. I see a memory.

There's my mam, laughing on the beach with my dad. They both look so happy, so full of life. Fern is but a baby, crawling around the sand.

There I am, 11 years old. I'm making a sand castle, knocking it over with delight. Fern crawls over and knocks it over with me. I laugh and I hug her, happy not to be alone.

I turn around and suddenly I'm in my home. I'm sitting at the kitchen table, my head in my hands, 8 years old. My dad walks in, finished work. Mam is upstairs ironing. I'm home from school a while now, but mams been working too hard to notice my distress.

Dad opens his mouth to announce his arrival, then he notices me. I don't even see him. All I feel is deep shame and deep sadness.

Dad sits down beside me and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Sebastian," he says.

I look up at him, with red eyes. "Dad, no one likes me," I say quickly, and begin to cry. Dad moves closer and hugs me, comforting me.

Reminding me I'm not alone.

I turn once again, and see a field. I'm 6 years old. My mam is sitting beside me, and my dad the other side. We're looking at the clouds, laughing at the silly shapes.
I've never felt less alone...

Then, I turn again. I'm bathed in darkness. It's the present. I'm all alone. I can't see. I'm blind. I'm alone.

I turn frantically, trying to see those memories again, cherish them. Suddenly, I see someone in the corner. I grow afraid until I realise... I recognise that person.

I walk up to the person and sit down, cross legged in front of them.

"Hi dad," I whisper.

He smiles at me. "Hi son," he replies.

"I miss you," I choke out.

"It's okay," he murmurs. I lean forward and hug him.

I lean back and turn to see someone else coming towards us. "Who's that?" I ask. Dad stands up and shakes hands with the man that arrived.

"This is Iris' dad," he says with a smile. "And over there, that's your grandad," he says, and I turn to see the man I only faintly remember.

I smile. "Dad, am I alive?" I ask, not really afraid of the answer.

"Of course son... I just wanted to show you, we're all here. We're all here, and I'll always be here. I'm always going to be in your heart son."

I wrapped my arms around him again. "Will I see you again soon?" I ask.

"No... but you can say goodbye to me now, and it'll see you again, I promise."

I hugged dad tightly. "Goodbye dad, I love you," I murmured.

"Bye son. I love you too...."

"Someone grab the oxygen! He's waking up, he's waking up!" Voices yell.

I sit up in a jump, and look around me. Doctors, about 4 of them. I'm on a gurney.

"What happened?" I gasp. One of the nurses calm me down.

"Shush, shush, you dropped cold on us, you're okay now, Sebastian, right?" He asked. I nodded and leant back slowly, letting them work on me.

I looked up at the white tiled ceiling, not able to sleep, fearful of dropping like that again.

After countless hours of sitting and waiting, Iris arrived. She walked into my room, with flowers and a card.

When I saw her, I thought I'd feel a million times better. But I didn't. Instead, I felt shit because I knew I looked shit.

"Hey," she greeted quietly. "How are you doing?"

"Shit," I snapped. I rubbed my face and sighed.

"Calm down, I just came to check on you," she retorted.

"Yeah well I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me, jesus," I muttered.

"I'm not feeling sorry for you, I-"

"Fuck sake Iris, stop annoying me!" I yelled, pissed off.

I didn't look at her until she quietly whispered my name. I looked up at her, and saw the fear on her face.

I was scaring her.

"Iris..." I began. She had tears falling down her face now, and she threw the flowers and the card at me.

Iris hid her face in her hands and ran out the door. I could hear her sobs as she ran. She flew by doctors and nurses until I couldn't see her anymore.

I tried to get up but I couldn't. My stomach began to hurt me so I sat back and winced with pain.

I was losing my sunlight. I was missing the one person who could deal with me.