Struggling to Breathe

Nickel

I sat down on the chair in Fern's room, looking at her quietly. Her little face hadn't seen the outdoors in months. I missed her, I missed her smile and her laugh and how she annoyed me just enough to make me happy.

I had the box in my hand, and I opened it. The letter stood out, and I picked it up. Below it was a lot of small objects, but I opened the letter first, carefully.

Inside, I saw my mother's writing, and my father's too.

Sebastian

Hopefully, you will be receiving this on your 18th birthday, when you're grown up, and we've done our Job for you.

When you were born, you were small and frail, without many chances of living. But you were a fighter, and you lived through it.

As I (your mother) look at you right now, all I can say is, thank you for being my amazing son. I love you so much Sebastian.

Even though I (your father) think your name is a bit long, and would rather you be called Tyson, I still love you son, and I'm proud you're mine.

We wrote this to tell you that your dreams and hopes can never be shattered, no matter how strong a force is.

You were destined for big things

Your parents, Gareth and Anne.

Tears locked my throat, and I stopped reading aloud to Fern. I began to weep, missing my mother and sister, wishing my dad was here, wishing everything was okay.

"Oh Fern," I cried, and I dropped my head into my hands, not holding back on the pain.

I ran into my room minutes later, to hurt myself again.

To forget the real pain.

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○

I wrapped the jacket tighter around me, stomping towards Iris' house. The cold was sweeping in. I had spent the last 2 months in my room, back to depression, not quite sure how to live. Everytime Iris came around, I had found a new reason to hurt her.

Either physically or emotionally.

I jumped up the steps and shivered, in the December cold. It was Christmas. The snow was nonexistent, the cold very clear. Wisps of my warm breath against the cook air rose from my mouth and nose and disappeared into the air.

I hit the door sharply three times, waiting in the cold for an answer. Bernie answered the door and smiled at me.

"Sebs! So glad you could make it for dinner!" She exclaimed, stepping aside to let me in.

I shuffled in out of the cold, and shivered again. "Birr," I shook, and took off my jacket as the warmth of the home heated me up.

"Sebs," Iris said. I looked up at her, and saw all my faults in this girl.

Iris had a black eye. And gaping, black eye. She had bandages on her wrists, and still walked funny. The black eye was from her last encounter with Meena. I wasn't there, but I had heard it was violent.

And what was I doing about it?

Nothing.

"Iris," I said and smiled, hugging her close. She didn't sink into the hugs like she used to. And I hugged her tightly, knowing I was hurting her.

I got this sick, bizarre feeling from hurting her that I somehow liked.

"Merry Christmas," Iris said, her voice sore.

We both ran up the steps, holding hands as we entered her room. She turned and sat on the bed, smiling at me slightly. I lay down beside her and smiled, pulling her close to me.

I felt genuinely happy, at peace in my mind, and I closed my eyes. Iris' breathing calmed, and I could distinctly feel her breath on my neck. I pulled her a little closer, and slid one hand down her back.

She squirmed slightly. "Don't," she murmured. I raised my brow.

"Don't what?" I asked.

"Don't put your hand too low," she said, her voice grumpy.

I slid my hand down, intending to tease her. She pushed me off her slightly.

"Hey," I said. "Don't reject me like that."

Iris sighed. "You know I don't like it when you put your hands all over me."

"Yeah but I'm just pulling you close to me, jesus Iris," I grumbled. I wrapped my arms around her again.

She put her hands on my chest and pushed slightly, trying to get out of my hold. My arms tightened around her, and I didn't let her go.

"Let me go, Sebs," she muttured, growing nervous.

I grew annoyed by her anxious behavior. "I'm just holding you!" I whispered fiercely. She kept pushing and I tightened my grip, knowing I was hurting her, as red flashed my vision in anger.

"Stop! You're hurting me!" She cried, not too loudly. Suddenly the anger drained out of me, and I realised what I was doing.

"Oh, oh god," I whispered. I let go of her and looked at my hands in shock.

What is wrong with me?

I covered my face and felt something tear at my mentality again, something yelling at me, telling me I'm an awful person.

"Hey," Iris cooed, suddenly quiet. I sat up and curled into a ball, shocked with myself. When she touched me, I whimpered, and she recoiled.

"Sebastian," she whispered. I turned and clung to her, hugging her close to me, seeking comfort in a wild flash. I grasped her close to me, not wanting to lose her. I rocked slightly, hearing voices in my mind chattering.

Someone better is going to get her Sebastian. She'll find out there are better people out there. She's young, she's too gullible, she'll eventually find out the true monster you are.

You'll lose her, just like you lost everyone else.

"No, no, no," I whispered faintly. Iris stayed silent, allowing me to hold her tightly.

"Sebs," she finally whispered after a few moments. I woke up from my trance and let go of her slowly. "It's time for dinner, I think."

I nodded and walked with her as she held my hand and walked me downstairs to dinner.