Uncertain white

Cessation & Death (3)

I could see the moving lips of that woman

But I can't hear anything, nor the noise around me. All of a sudden I saw a boy with ryuk ( from the death note) )-like appearance seemed de-soul entering the class moving towards me, and sitting on the last bench of my row. Slowly, all the colors around me turned black and white

Immediately, I left the class and moved towards the toilet. On the way, I saw a television in the corridor on which Charlie Chaplin's movie 'shoulder arms' based on the World War 1 era was aired. I saw Soldiers being trained on how to use explosives like grenades etc, they exploded a house with bombs. Near the washroom, songs were playing but all I could hear was the dripping water from the tap in front of me in the washroom and peeeeeeee!!.........

I washed my face and came out of the washroom, going back to the class but then heard a whisper "window is open!"

I looked around and there was no one, but an open window in the distance caught my attention. I got near the window and looked outside, I couldn't see anything but it was the absence of darkness, a hot shining sun and a very dry wind started to blow. There was no safety, no glass on that window. I stepped over and remembered the terrace of my house, the view. My left eye was filled with tears after remembering how everyone was very good to me, my family, friends, relatives, and teachers. And as the first drop of tears dripped off my face, I had made a choice, a clear decision in life, and with a smile I...........

Will be going to follow my ethics and virtues, and go to the class again, this time everything was alright except still in Black and white. Soon the classes were over and I headed back to my hostel room, on the way back there was a furnace flaming rage outside of a mess, walking a few steps forward I heard the noise of children playing in a park, I took a glance and remembered the incident happened today morning, when I was in the park around 5:30 am, heard a loud sound of a bike, peaked over the boundary wall of the park, saw two mask man on it in high speed throwing something in a residential house. I was a bit suspicious, but I didn't bother much.

then, I went to the hostel mess for lunch. I wasn't sure about the things going on around me, I was very suspicious that something was going to happen.

then as usual I went to rest and continued my daily schedule. During the evening walk in the park, I was searching for some kind of Omen to have a certain theory on what's wrong here. As I was totally Numb and couldn't feel any emotions

eventually I figured out one theory named 'cessation to zero', according to this theory it is the ending process that will lead to my end or reduce my existence to zero, this is due to a major effect of the law of attraction and getting lost in depression because of the new surroundings leading to fear of uncertainty, fear of missing out from the real school life and old relation use to have in the town, all over I was still alone in my battle with my own self and everything. Everything seems good and well till the sun sets, after dinner. the scariest time of the day, the night, when the lights are off it's dark and I try to sleep peacefully that's when I encounter the fearsome side of myself, my 'thoughts'. they were scariest as hell and as painful as somebody stabbing my chest with a digger a hundred times per second. Couldn't sleep properly lost in the thoughts, sometimes hoping and praying to God to not wake up tomorrow (dying at night). But it never happened, and I'm still alive.

I have very little human interaction in my life now, I prefer to stay silent in most places. I am a very introverted person, sometimes it is very difficult to explain my feelings or emotions or what I want to say. This led to the emergence of poetic interests. I started writing poems as they are not very easy to understand yet smooth and pleasant. Now my lone self is replaced by the poet inside me, for me female interactions were more arduous as I was in my teenage and observing people getting into relationships. It was surely awful.

I somehow accepted that I was going to be alone my whole life,

That's why becoming very cold-hearted day by day, Showing no emotions or feelings. Time passes by like that and sooner we got the Diwali vacations , I went to my town where my family was waiting for me, on my birthday I went to visit a forest or wildlife sanctuary we can say, then to a place where there were cave paintings of pre historic mans around 10,000 yrs ago, I found many thousands of paintings of different era there on the huge rocks more than 10m long as they call it rock shelter paintings, there was a painting that took my attention it was a scene of some kind of death ceremony rituals and there were some flag man in that painting , I was wondering how do they managed to make flags 10,000 yrs ago but as I looked closely the paint and the pose of each of them was slightly different paint colour and I understood it was semaphore ( cryptic language) actually since childhood I love to decipher codes and mysterious things , when I deciphered it, I was horrified the message it states 'cessation of Ashby' , the thing I deducted was that it is not more than 200 yrs old because the cessation word is itself has Latin roots not more than 500yrs old and the semaphore was just 210 yrs old . But there were no connections to be made, the whole trip I was just thinking about the incident, but after coming back I didn't have much time myself because this time I was giving Olympiads which was just 20 days ahead after Diwali I went to collect my belongings and permanently shifted in my town.

On the exam day, it was also my birthday of Ayushi, before going I texted to wish her and sent a letter I wrote for present my gratitude for her friendship(she didn't reply for days), the exam Centre was in a different city and I was feeling alienated there but it was just a matter of 5 hrs.

After the exam, I was very confident that I was not going to clear it. Days went by and she replied that took my letter wrong as a confession of love, accusing me of trying to make her cheat on her boyfriend. I was deeply hurt by her words as well as Angry at the same time, so I decided to reply rudely and end everything with her. I was cold-hearted ( yeah it was all a misunderstanding and I reacted egotistically). And I understood that the 26th Nov would be the worst day of the year. I also couldn't get selected in the Olympiads by just a matter of 2 marks.