Uncertain white

Broken

I heard a sharp sound and opened my eyes. It is a blurry scene but in a few seconds everything gets clear I mean Clear White!!!, not black n white but only WHITE colorless. It horrified me but couldn't influence my actions, so I said to myself " It's OK!, nothing to be panicked about ". This place feels a bit familiar. Is this the cage of mind? or is it for my mind?

If I have to describe my feelings,I would say it feels just like a blank out, there is not even a single object in my sight but complete silence in life, as far as my view reaches there is no end but only White-ness, this fear of uncertainty is raising my beats of heart, every beat feels like an hour, pulses are tryinn' to escape the matrix of my body and I can easily hear their screams, LUB..DUB..LUB..DUB.The time has just slowed down by 1/60 th part.

I am unable to understand anything, any reasoning, any logic, any philosophy, these all are nothing but just a SHAM!! At the moment. But I'm well aware this is just my irrationality which is losing its boundaries of understanding and screaming! So Hard.

"This is not the world of Nolan! HAHAHA!!" a voice similar to mine said, "Is this the voice in my Head ?"

I asked and in reply, I heard a heavy laughing sound, said

" So where are you going? what're you gonna do ?"

I said " I'm ready to sail

my ship made of hopes

in the seas of endless possibilities

against the tides of Irrationalities

with the winds of my accountability

Under the sun of my philosophies

towards the island of mystery

to find my own originality.

And seeking for new reality "

"You coward, loser, can't even justify what's wrong or right to do?, narcissist, nihilist, lived your life on your false and shallow principles and integrity,..."

The voice yelled at me with a rough tone.

And slowly..slowly.. The scene changes, where now I can see the view similar to my room filled with books, I found myself sitting on my table in front of the computer, was I asleep? Or just a daydream? or maybe a breakthrough vision I just had? A Eureka moment like Archimedes? It seems miraculously laughable.

I took some time to reflect on what just happened and the last statement of that voice, to analyze this properly, for rationalism I have to maintain a balance between thinking and emotion, separating each word from the group, Coward...Loser...false integrity ?? Is this the truth? But the thing about being a narcissist is surely has something to do with my past. This is the complex nature of humans, I just can't explain and justify everything to myself in one night but this is a lifelong process.

My two close friends came onto the scene and took me with them on a ride in the middle of nowhere and for no reason But for a river bank view which was pretty decent the silence washed all over me and the birds felt like a part of nature's orchestra, the interesting thing here I saw an ancient giant rock just one like before with few carvings and ancient paintings of hunters performing their rituals, the thing that grabbed my attention there is the Black Swan in a pond, The Black swan event which has low possibility but higher or great results in effect and influence, this something written in a book called Black swan by taleb. Tells how 9/11 was one of the black swan events as well as the Taj attack in history.

But nonetheless, I just cannot connect those ancient carvings with the black swan I saw.

On the return journey, we saw a group of deers in which there were only two deers with horns on their head, that is, other deers were in their puerile times.