Close eyes ( song playing in the background ), a bit of restlessness, my mind lost in the future probabilities and my heart skipping beats, instead of blood, adrenaline and cortisol were filling my blood vessels, I unlocked my phone: 02:03 am 05/05 sun.
Finally, it's here the day I've waiting for, for the past 5 years
For the pre-medical exam, this time there are going to be 25 lakh aspirants. I am going to be in solitude till the end of the exam.
One of my family relatives friends invited me to join her at the exam center, so we went together and then separated ways, we were 2 hrs early after all the security checks, i reached the hall almost empty and as I reached to door a pigeon flies swiftly near my ears giving me a cardiac arrest. There were more than 2 nests of pigeons in the hall and it was not tense but a bit of a pleasant place.
I sat down and started to meditate to be ready for the exam.
The coordinator announced, the distribution of the sheets and the sooner the exam starts, as I read through the paper I realized there were a great amount of questions from the deleted syllabus too. That was pretty bizarre, but no matter what, i guess had no choice. It seemed like a matter of life and death but I was unafraid of both, every single question was on the high precaution and it was tedious too, I was calmer than I expected to be.
It took me more time than expected to finish it. Anyway, three and half hours later while leaving the place, I saw a massive crowd and jam all around.
It was not too easy to answer any questions asked by the people around you compared to the real exam where the syllabus has a boundary to be within.
At last, it's over for now at least, the sky was purple showing the royalty of its vastness, and air was grinding its own path in between.
The silence of the eve was broken by the distant sound of fireworks within. I felt a sense of relief wash over me, knowing that I made it through another day. I took a deep breath and walked back towards home.
Surely it wasn't the end or the start of anything but a stability of sadness occurred within as the snow fell in Norway. what was it, maybe another blow to the life of a young dumb boy.
*****
I was expecting a bit of joy in life and to be working on the plans I've made but in reality, nothing changed in life.
Absurd enough, isn't it? I thought
Anyways as a nihilist creation of god, I am as per the kafka, a human being. I was just reading the metamorphosis and it was written in the introduction.
However, this is skepticism instead of metaphysics, and every philosophy should go through a rigorous trial in order to prove itself, as the man himself.
It's been 10 days since the exam and I haven't been working on the plans I made. I need to start working again and stay on track. I need to focus on my goals and push myself harder. I need to believe in myself and trust in my abilities.
Leaving this nihilism and absurdism thought process behind, gaining the self-efficacy:
The chosen spine
Path contains thrones, my life is supported by the spine
Want to reach higher levels, but paralyzed in time
Will surely break this shell, felt the crushing bones
Pain is just in mind, I want to be one of my kind
I can feel that drive, pulling towards the above tiers
The path is chosen, that never lets pain shed a tear
Road not taken, never let me regret with time
This time was clear, the goal with rhymes of life
Genius wasn't this mind, it's on the trials of time
As tough times test us, it's easy to stay behind
life takes everything that is considered the crime of time
What's left? Just learning from the origin of life.
The poem I wrote recently, and that's when a friend called me out for a long walk, I asked him
"Where are we going ?"
"Better you'll see thyself" he replied
YOU ARE READING
Uncertain white
Mystery / ThrillerA mentally overwhelmed teenage boy is seeking a profound connection and purpose in this world while grappling with the fear of an uncertain future. In between his existential crisis, nihilist thinking, self-imposed limitations, egoistic complex...
