About Harry

Chapter 6 - Did you kiss her?

He was still leaning against the kitchen's wall when he heard Ginny coming down the stairs, pausing in the half demolished living room looking for him. She entered the kitchen and found him there. She didn't speak, she went instead to the sink to wet a handkerchief to press on the cut on her face. She then took out the kettle to prepare some tea. She seemed composed, and Harry couldn't guess in the least what was going on in her head.
When the tea was ready, she placed two cups on the table.
'Sit' she pointed at the chair opposite her.
He exerted himself with difficulty; there was a part of him unwilling to move from the wall to keep away the dreaded moment.
'I need an explanation. Is it true what Ron said?'
He tried to answer, and his voice failed him, so he just nodded looking into her golden eyes.
She sighed disheartened. That sigh had the power to unblock him 'It is not as you think though' he blorted out finding his voice 'I don't love her! I mean I love her but just like a sister, nothing more!'
She snorted 'Funnily enough I don't sleep with Ron, and I love him like a brother.'
'Fair point.' Aunt Muriel's portrait pointed out severely.
'Shut your mouth, nobody asked you anything!' Harry retorted.
'Scoundrel...' the portrait added in whisper and Harry thought that the next day, no matter what, that painting was going straight to the attic.
'Ok, I'm sorry I didn't start right' he cleared his throat 'it's not that I wanted to have sex with her being her, she was just there.'
'What's that supposed to mean?' the tone came out almost like a hiss hinting to a swelling anger. He was doing a very poor job trying to defend himself.
'Ok, wait, don't get upset I said the wrong thing again. I just... It's difficult'
This ended up to be another bad start as she immediately coloured crossing her arms forbiddingly 'I don't know. Have you ever thought it could be even more difficult for me? Ron came here demolished the whole living room trying, for what we know, to kill you or at least hurt you very badly, he threw big accusations over you and advised me to ditch you because you deserve it. I try to convince myself that you don't, and that I'll hear you out at least, and all that you manage to say is that you love her like a sister but definitely shagged her and you didn't want to have sex with her but unfortunately, she was passing by??? What the hell are you saying?' Her voice was low not to wake up Lily again but there was accusation in every syllable 'When did that happened? Why? What does it even mean what you just said!'
'You are right. You deserve a better explanation' he sighed leaning on the back of the chair rubbing his face 'I'll tell you the whole story, but you must realise, it's difficult to explain what happened' He took a big breath and continued 'We were seventeen. I never told you about when me, Hermione and Ron were in search for a way to kill Voldemort. I try to forget about it myself. It was the worst year of my life full of painful moments. But I'll try to explain it to you. It was horrible, we were in hiding, no contact with the world of any kind, we were alone, in danger. We didn't know how any of you were, if you were safe or not. We had no way to communicate with anybody. We had no clue to follow and almost nothing to eat. We were cold. We were hopeless. Moving from place to place. I felt guilty for what I was imposing on them, I didn't know what to do next. Then we started to argue, and Ron left. Hermione was distraught and it was like something broke. It was just me and her, I wanted to comfort her, I felt bad, and I hugged her, and I thought of you, and I don't know how it happened exactly, but it happened. I guess both of us felt so desperately lonely and longing for a bit of affection. We were out of our minds.'
He looked at her and saw a deep sadness in her eyes as she said 'It happened just that once then.'
It was an affirmation and Harry could have left it at that. He was aware the truth would hurt deeper, but he promised to be honest, and he would 'No, it happened almost every night up to Ron's return. I'm sorry Ginny. If I could go back, I would cancel it without hesitation.'
He tried to take her hand then, but met only coldness in response. The anger was completely gone but somehow he preferred it against this reaction he was having problem interpreting.
He withdrew his hand becoming anxious to make her see his point 'Ginny, try to understand! We didn't know if we would have survived. We could have died any moment. I didn't know if I would ever see you again! It was just a way, a bad one I own you, to feel less lonely. We never even kissed or exchanged any kind of tenderness. During the day we were behaving normally it was just with darkness, when we couldn't see each other, when we could pretend. I can promise you without lying that every single time it was always you! Never her! I pretended every single time that I was making love with you, I probably even called her with your name a couple of times for what I know. And I'm one hundred percent sure she did the same thing with me; I was never Harry; I was always Ron for her.'
Then he stopped talking. Now there was nothing else to add. Everything was said.
Her hand was back on her cup, staring at the content, while she had been listening attentively. Harry perceived her shoulders slightly quivering. She took a hand to her mouth and a single tear slid on her cheek dropping in the tea now cold and untouched.
'Oh Harry... why did you never tell me?' she just succeeded in uttering.
'It was meaningless to me. It just happened!' he retorted clenching his fist on the table, hardening for the inevitable consequences of an action happened almost twenty years before.
'I'm not talking about Hermione's thing!' she said dismissively with a frown 'I'm talking about all the rest, the loneliness, the desperation... You never told me what happened that year. It sounds so horrible'.
And Harry finally understood the meaning of that tear. His heart felt lighter, and he almost laughed out of relief.
'Well they are not exactly happy memories, are they? I didn't want to sadden you.'
'But you could have shared it with me, it could have helped you'
'No, it wouldn't' he muttered suddenly hardening 'Speaking about it wouldn't have helped me, it would have just made you miserable. It's past. It doesn't matter now.'
'I keep forgetting how tough your youth has been.'
'Let's forget about it together then, shall we?' he said hastily with a half-smile endeavouring to cut the conversation short..
She sniffed and Harry took her hand in his own again kissing it. 'Do I gather you forgive me?'
'Oh Harry, don't be stupid! There is nothing to forgive. I cannot pretend it didn't surprise me, but we were not together, as you said. You didn't even know if we would have seen each other again. You just reacted as a seventeen-year-old boy and girl would react in a situation of that kind. It's only sad, nothing more. But Ron.... Well... It's a different matter.'
The sounds of Ron's name brought back the uneasiness in a moment.
She was about to take a sip at her tea when she realised how cold it was. She then stood, took the kettle and poured some more hot and steamy water in it. She did the same for Harry. He hadn't touched his own either.
'This is worse than anything. Do you realise...' but she interrupted her sentence hearing a noise coming from the door. Lily was there, on the threshold, white and scared in her pink pyjama, her eyes fixed on them.
'I came to see how dad was.' she whispered looking at Ginny, afraid to be told off to be out of bed.
'It's all right, come here.' Harry beckoned her to come close and taking her on his knees hugged her tightly. It was balm on his troubled mind to have her in his arms. Suddenly the event of the evening weighed on him awakening a tiredness and a longing for some sleep.
'Why was Uncle Ron so upset? What did you do to Aunt Hermione?' Lily asked startling him.
'Why do you think I did something to her?'
'I heard uncle calling you the "B" word many times and he said you did something to her, but I didn't understand what. He was really angry'
His mind froze with panic for a moment and then relaxed.
Thank heavens and all its angels for the slang.
Explaining this would be difficult. He spotted a glint of laugh on Ginny's face, surely curious to see how he was going to unravel himself.
'I didn't do anything to Aunt Hermione' he explained slowly, weighing his words 'He thought I did something not very nice with her behind his back.'
'What?' she enquired pointing her golden eyes, exactly the same shade as Ginny's, on his.
He hesitated.
'Did you kiss her?'
'Hold on, what?!'
'Susie told me that if when people are married one kisses another person the other one will get very angry and they'll split up. It's very bad. Did you do it?'
He didn't like this Susie at all.
'No, I didn't' he answered, and he could say this at least without lying.
'You promise?'
'I promise.'
'So then what did you do?' she enquired further expectant, and Harry found himself at loss on what to say.
Why children have to be so inquisitive?
'He didn't do anything Lily, don't worry about it. Uncle Ron just misunderstood.' Ginny interjected deciding to save Harry from that tangle.
'Maybe he thought dad did it. You have to explain it to him so you can make peace and we can spend Christmas together. I want to show Hugo the tree.'
Harry reflected with some dismay that, unless of a miracle, it was going to be very unlikely.
'I will try Lily, but it is not that easy' he answered making her slid from his knees 'Come my pet, I will take you to bed. It's definitely too late in the night to be up and about. Good girls like yourself are usually sleeping at this hour.' he said affectionately.
Once she was cozily in her bed, Harry folded the blankets around her with a strong feeling of tenderness toward that small little being who was ready to believe he was always right and great.
'Will you stay here until I fall asleep?' she asked with a plead in her voice.
As an answer he kissed her forehead and keeping her small hand in his own, sat beside the bed looking at the glow-in the dark stars bought from a muggle shop and attached on the ceiling to please her.
'Dad?'
He could sense a trace of anxiety behind the whisper.
'Yes, my pet?'
'Uncle Ron said that mum had to get us and go to the Burrow and leave you here alone. And that you deserved it. But I don't think you do, and I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you'.
He sighed thinking how close he had felt half an hour before to see that happen.
'It won't happen. We will stay here together.'
He squeezed her hand gently to convey assurance. Leaning his head on the bed, exhausted by the incidents of the evening, and listening to her breathing getting deeper and deeper he slumbered himself in a profound sleep.