About Harry

Chapter 10 - Harry's past

Ginny had a troubled look. She held in her hand a scroll of paper; on the window a screech owl was drinking from a bowl left there for him. Harry recognised Leo, George's owl.
He could see by Ginny's expression that it wasn't good news. As soon as he approached her, she passed him the scroll without a word.
In a very untidy handwriting, it said:

Hello guys,
Ron is here and I have a bit of good/bad news to relate.
Let's start with the good. He came back without a struggle; I didn't have to cast the Incarcerous spell I was more than ready to use in case he wasn't willing. He abandoned his plan to kidnap Rose and followed me without too much trouble.
Now for the bad. I'm writing locked in the bathroom. That probably will make you understand how things stand.
He refuses categorically to see reason. He is still enraged against Harry even if the violent mood subsided. He told me that the moment is come for us to decide who we want in our family. I told him he is behaving like a moron, but I didn't press the matter as he was getting angrier by the minute.
I just managed to persuade him to sleep at my place tonight, but he is determined to go to the Burrow tomorrow morning. I hope he will think about it all over again and he will be more reasonable after a night sleep but, to be honest, I don't think he will. I've never seen him like this.
We will see.
Don't reply to this.

George

Harry gave back the scroll to Ginny 'We didn't really expect anything different, did we?'
'No, I guess not' she said with resignation 'but I must say, I was ready to hope.' She stood up and closed the window behind Leo who was already flying away.
'I will prepare dinner in a minute; you go and relax' she said with a tired smile.
Harry went to the living room, sat down in the armchair and leaned against it, heaving a long sigh, disheartened.
He brought his memory back to the Hogwarts' days. He and Ron playing games in the back of the room during Binns' classes, playing quidditch together, losing at chess against him, the snowballs fights in winter, the countless laughter...
How did we get to this?
Why all this ill will against him? Harry knew it couldn't just be because of what had happened with Hermione. As Ted had said, that one was just the drop.
Well, looking at it from Ron's point of view maybe it wasn't just a drop. It was more like a glass full of drops... Or maybe a pint...
Ok let's be honest with oneself! It's a fucking Niagara's Fall! Ron will never forgive me this!
Even if only this unhappy episode had been under scrutiny, it would have already been a hopeless case. But on the top of it there were years and years of resentment accumulated. All starting with his popularity back in school. Ron never fully understood that, back then, Harry would have swapped his life with Ron's anytime, given the chance. He was the lucky one, having a big family that loved him and was always there to side and support him. He realised now how he craved to be part of that family when he was young. Although he never even dreamed to feel resentment against Ron for what he had, and he had not. It was just as it was. Why then has Ron always resented him?
He couldn't explain it to himself.
While following this train of thought Lily entered the room but sensing Harry's mood lingered on the threshold undecided whether to come forward. He smiled at her wearily but encouragingly, so she approached him climbing on his lap. She didn't speak, she just looked at him with her penetrating gaze.
'Are you sad, dad?' she finally said.
'Yes, my pet, a bit.'
'Because of uncle?'
He nodded.
She was silent again. Then with her finger she started tracing the contour of the scar on his forehead.
'What are you doing?' he asked smiling.
'Mum explained to me why you have that scar. I asked you but you never answered.'
'What did she tell you?' That she was better not to tell.
'She told me that You-Know-Who tried to kill you when you were a baby and he couldn't. That's why you have it and that's why I have just got one grandma and grandpa'
All this was spoke in a low voice, frightened by her own daring in speaking about Voldemort.
'I have got the same name as your mum, right?'
'You do.' The question was answer mechanically as his mind was still on Ron.
'How was she?'
'I never knew her. I was too young when she died. But I have seen pictures, and everybody says she was lovely, smart and brave.'
She leaned her head on his chest deep in meditation 'So, who took care of you when you were little?'.
'My uncle and aunt.' He said passing his fingers in her dark red hair.
She suddenly sat upright on his lap 'I have got another aunt and uncle?'
'Yes, you do. But I have no idea where they are now. And, with any luck, you will probably never meet them.'
As a matter of fact, she had met them. When she was three years old. But she had no way to know. It was during summer holidays. They had taken the kids to the London aquarium. Harry had never been himself and Ginny, obviously, neither. They were in front of the shark tank and the boys had their noses pressing to it charmed. Harry was holding Lily showing her the colourful fishes. As they were walking to the next tank, he saw them. They were coming from the opposite direction taking by the hand a little boy who was about six years old and who couldn't be any other than Dudley's son. He was just like him when he was a child. Blonde, chubby and scowling. His aunt and uncle were exactly as he remembered them, only with greyer hair and more wrinkles. They widened their eyes in surprise when their gaze met, and Harry knew that they recognised him too. They stared at each other only for a second taking in all the changes and then, they averted their eyes almost at the same moment. There wasn't any reason to acknowledge each other. Neither there could be any pleasure in the meeting. Quite the opposite. Ginny was distracted by the endless flow of James and Albus's questions and didn't notice anything. Harry wasn't sure she would have recognised them anyway. She hadn't had many occasions to see them. Harry didn't enlighten her, however. There wasn't any point to it. And that meeting quite spoiled his day.
It had been the only episode in nineteen years. He hadn't heard or seen them again and he wasn't sorry for it. For this reason, he wanted to crush as soon as possible any possible expectation from that quarter in Lily.
'But why?' she pouted looking at him disappointed.
'They were never nice to me.'
'Why weren't they nice to you?'
Interesting question. Why weren't they nice to me? Envy? Stupidity? Pure evilness? All of them?
Anyway, the answer he was tempted to give was:
Because they were fucking bastards.
However, the parental advised one was:
'Because they didn't approve of my parents and they had a son already. They liked him more than they liked me. They never treated me well.'
Lily's expression saddened 'What did they do to you?'
Where to start?
He remembered about the closet under the stairs, the second hand clothes always too large for him, the humiliations, the neglect, Dudley bullying him, being locked in his room and almost starved. And then he looked at his daughter and read in her eyes the struggle in understanding a situation quite different from her own, and sadness, and pity. He could see her picturing in her childish mind not to have any mum and be mistreated.
He didn't want this. He didn't want his own daughter to be confronted with the reality of his miserable childhood. He didn't want her to feel pity for him.
He took her in his arms and stood up 'We must go and help mum in setting up the table'.
She didn't relinquish her question 'What did they do to you?'
He didn't answer and took her to kitchen.
They had a subdued meal, Lily was playing with her food and not eating much, her expression grave.
Harry regretted immediately having told her that much, little as it was.

The following day at 8 o'clock Hermione was at their door. She brought Hugo over. Ginny had some schedule to plan, a job she could do from home and had accepted to take care of him together with Lily.
Lily welcomed him with her usual vivacity and took him by the hand straight away to show him the tree. They were as opposite in character as it was possible to be. He was a shy boy, reserved and quiet but probably because of their difference they never argued, and they loved each other dearly, always begging their parents to bring them over to play together.
Harry kissed Ginny goodbye and started with Hermione for the Ministry.
There wasn't much snow around. Just a white veil covering cars and tree branches. However, that little, made the grey city look a bit more welcoming and festive. A few people were already around for a last-minute Christmas shopping or, like them, going to work.
They had just one working day that week. The day after, the 24th, they would have had to go to King's Cross to pick up the kids back from Hogwarts.
Their walk was slow to enjoy the crispy air and the sun starting to come out.
'Why didn't you say anything to Ginny about the horcrux?' Hermione asked abruptly at one point without as much as a preliminary sentence.
He frowned 'Didn't we agree not to tell?'
'To the world in general yes, but to her... Obviously I thought you let it out with her. I was very surprised in understanding that she didn't know anything of your connection with Voldemort'
'Why should I have told her? What was the point?' he asked feeling irritated.
'Harry she is your wife! You're supposed to share both painful moments and the happy ones with her!'
'There isn't any point in saddening her with what cannot be changed' he retorted brusquely. And then, he reflected, he had an unbalance between the happy and the unhappy and it was unfair to make Ginny even more aware of this than she already was.
'I disagree. You hurt her more being as reserved as you are, than sharing with her what troubles you'
Why all of sudden the whole world wants to acknowledge me as reserved?
'It doesn't trouble me anymore. My past, I mean.'
Hermione reserved him an arch look 'Harry, don't give me that rubbish please... If it wouldn't, you would speak about it. I see how you always avoid the topic whenever you can.'
He didn't answer, aware that she made a point. He could kid himself with thinking that it didn't matter anymore. But the past was always there, with him, whatever he did and wherever he went, never healed and never forgot.
'And your kids ask questions about you to me and Ginny because they know that they cannot ask you. They are smart, they understand. They want to know about you from you, not from us or worse from strangers!'
Harry rubbed his hands together to keep them warm struggling to find the words to express what he thought.
'Hermione you don't understand. Only yesterday Lily asked me about my mum. I only told her that I never knew her and that I've been raised by my aunt and uncle that weren't nice to me. And you had to see her face! She looked half heartbroken thinking about me without a mum. And that is just the top of the iceberg! You saw Ginny's face when I told her Voldemort made me a Horcrux! How could I possibly find the heart to tell them more when just those notions pain them so much!' he paused a second and then continued steady 'I just want to forget myself. I'm not gonna dig everything up again and make my family miserable. I must deal with this alone.'
'I'm sorry Harry. I will be honest with you now.' She took Harry's hand and continued 'You will never forget. It doesn't matter how much effort you will put in it. You won't succeed. It is not something you can forget. You will have to live with it. Your family loves you and want to share that burden with you. They know it is painful, but they don't mind, otherwise they wouldn't ask.
What you are doing is keeping them far from you. And eventually one day, all that you are harbouring, will come out in a very unpleasant way if you don't learn how to deal with it now.'
Walking they had reached the entrance of the public toilet to get to the Ministry.
They had halted and, after her speech, she had looked at him sideways afraid of his reaction at her criticism but Harry had been so affected by the openness of her words that forgot to be irritated by it.
'You have been honest indeed'
She chuckled 'You know I have to speak my mind.'
'You are probably right. As usual' he smirked 'but it's not easy.'
'I know it's not. It rarely is.'
She squeezed his hand sympathetically, she gave him a kiss and disappeared in the cubicle.

In the early afternoon an inter-departmental memo flew into his office


'I'm going to the Burrow to meet Ron. I heard from Molly. He is there.
I'll write to you as soon as I can.

Love Hermione'


For the rest of the afternoon he found it difficult to concentrate, conjectures of the result of that encounter uppermost in his mind. The hope that she could fix everything was strong.
He exchanged Christmas wishes with his colleagues and started for home earlier than usual, in trepidation, anxious for an update.
Hugo was still there; he could hear him playing with Lily in the living room. It didn't bode well.
As he entered the kitchen looking for Ginny, his assumption ended up being correct. He found her exactly in the same posture and with the same expression of the previous day. A scroll of parchment close to her on the table.
'Why do I feel I'm getting a déjà vu?' he asked taking the parchment and caressing her head gently while reading.


Dear Ginevra,
Ron is here. He arrived this morning in a most unpleasant mood.
He told us what happened exaggerating everything as you can well imagine. He demanded from us to severe our contacts with Harry.
I told him he can't ask this from us since in our affection they are both our sons.
He wasn't happy about it. He said nasty things I don't want to write and got very angry indeed.
It seems he is harbouring the conviction the whole family values Harry more than him. Which is absolutely not true. We love him very much. We just don't want our family to be split up.
It pains me it's happening all just before Christmas and on the eve of the children returning home.
I asked Hermione to come and try to speak to him. They have been closed in the living room for already some time. I hope she will succeed where we failed.

A lot of love to you, Harry and Lily, from me and your dad.
Your affectionate,
Mum


He let the letter drop on the table.
'I guess we need to decide what to do tomorrow. Do you think I should come to King's Cross?'
She took a quizzical look 'Of course you must. James and Albus will be dreadfully disappointed if you don't'
'What if Ron will be there?'
She looked at him understanding the meaning of the question and didn't answer. She took the letter and read it again.
'We will ask Hermione what to do.'