About Harry

Chapter 29 - I've got only Ginny left

In the following month Harry started to get used to the house's emptiness and silence. Although, every morning he had to compel himself to get up and go to work. Many times, he felt like switching off the alarm, turn on the other side and lying in. Ginny, who had a more flexible job, often would do just that. After the first few days where she had tried to be strong for Harry's sake, now she was falling in dejection. She was often sleeping. Sometimes Harry would leave her asleep in the morning to find her, when he got back from work, still asleep, he would have a run and when back, she was still asleep, he would prepare her some food, but she barely touched it and then, she would be asleep again.
She wasn't eating much; harry was gaining back the weight she was losing. Her incarnation was more pallid than usual and lamented a general feeling of unwellness.
Harry would sit beside her, caressing her head, his heart closed in a grip, 'What can I do to help you? Just tell me' he would urge her. But she was always either saying she was just tired or asking for triviality like water.
Harry didn't know what to do anymore to keep up her spirit. He would spoil her and cuddle her and humour her, but nothing seemed to do any good.
He felt inadequate and in defect. She had done so much, just a few days before, to sustain him and now that she needed the same support, he wasn't up to the task. He was striving but couldn't find a way to help her. She was sinking in a sea of sorrow and he couldn't stretch his hand far enough to catch her.
It was like living with a sense of continuous suffocation, as having something oppressing his chest and not being able to get rid of it. Only with an enormous effort he could keep going day after day with no real prospect of an improvement in his mood.
At work it was busier than ever, between his job and Hermione's handover (the guy was chosen in the end) he didn't have a moment to breathe. Which, all considering, they were the only uneasy-free moments of his new life.
People had started to behave normally toward him again, or at least, as before the Christmas holidays. It was impossible to expect to be treated as anybody but, even if he didn't like it, he was used to being stared and pointed at by now. It was, under many aspects, an improvement against the commiseration looks and mourning tone.
Hermione was often having dinner with them. Ron was thriving in Rumania and seemed to be satisfied and in a better state of mind. Hugo too was getting used to the novelty with Ion's help. She was relieved by this and they managed to have some good time keeping each other company. She would sleep over time to time, it was melancholic for her to get back to an empty house and they were glad to have her there, it was a distraction from their gloom.
The last evening in England was spent to their place. She was leaving early the next day. She had organised all the stops by floopowder to the customs houses of every country separating England from Rumania and the whole trip was going to last a few hours.
Harry could see dejection in Hermione, but she made her best to hide it. Ginny was feeling well and, on the whole, they managed to have a cheerful dinner.
When leave-taking approached, Ginny hugged her tightly asking her to write very often which she promised. They had very much bonded since the Hogwarts days and their friendship had grew steadily as years passed. Marrying Ron, she as him, had become part of the Weasley family.
Only a few months before Ron and Hermione were the people they would hang out with the most, sometimes spending together even the summer holidays. Therefore, Ginny was saying farewell to one of her best friends. But for Harry, it was much more than that. He was losing a friend, a sister, a support, an adviser, his conscience...
Hermione, together with Ron, had been his only family for many years. The people he cared most when he was a kid. And now there were only Ginny and his children dearest to him.
She had been short of a sister, a companion in his darkest hours bearing all his ill humour.
She had always believed in him even when the world in general wouldn't, she had always helped him even when against her better judgement, she had always trusted in him even when he felt insecure, she had always comforted him when he most needed to be comforted.
And when they grew out of being kids to become adults, she had been his best listener, a person to whom he could confide what he wouldn't to Ginny, not to trouble her, and what he couldn't to Ron, because of his envy.
When he was a boy, he had enjoyed more Ron's company. It was all about having a good time, joking around and having trivial conversation, although, it didn't change growing up, it didn't develop with them, it was still what it had been when they were kids, but Harry's needs from a friendship had changed, and Hermione, in time, had supplanted Ron in many aspects; he felt more at ease with her in talking about his marriage, when there were some issues and asking her for advice of any kind. He knew he could always count on her for anything. She was always there, for him, whenever he needed.
He was parting from somebody of the most importance for him. The only friend he had left after losing Ron.
He was aware that he would have seen her again and heard from her very often, but it was not going to be the same as having her everyday close at hand.
He could already envisage all the loneliness of the next months up to summer holidays.
'Who's going to tell me off when I'm doing something wrong?' he joked sadly once they were about to say goodbye. They had headed toward the park. A safe spot to disapparate at that late hour.
She laughed, but it wasn't a cheerful sound, it was a laugh hiding much melancholy.
'You will have to rely on yourself alone. But I taught you well. I scarcely must tell you off nowadays. I'm proud of you!' she said patting his shoulder. Her hand lingered there though, her wet eyes catching the light coming from lamp not far off, her lips slightly open as if to say something, probably a goodbye she hadn't the courage to utter.
'You should probably go now. You'll get cold' he said, pronouncing for her that farewell, he thought, she couldn't bring herself in giving.
Hermione didn't manage to bring herself to answer. Words would have set off those tears that she was trying to keep back.
She just stared at him for few moments, a glance full of emotions, both sharing without words the pain of a separation after twenty-four years of daily companionship.
She laid both her hands on his shoulders, holding her eyes on his, and standing on tiptoe, she drew him towards her and let her mouth, that couldn't express itself in words, convey her feeling in a kiss.
Harry was expecting it, he wasn't surprised by her approaching him, probably if she hadn't, he would have done it instead. They were exchanging kisses time to time to greet each other; it wasn't anything new or disturbing. They were just friendly kisses like the one she was giving to Ginny.
But this was not it. And he realised it right away.
She kissed him on lips, and that already in itself was bizarre, she had never done it before. They were usually kissing on cheeks, and moreover, this wasn't even a peck, it was a proper kiss, soft and lingered long enough to suggest something more.
A kiss like many he had received from Ginny, and her alone. Perhaps Cho Chang in the past, but not even.
Harry was shocked and confused.
Is this normal?
He was afraid to mention it in case he was misunderstanding and what she meant was indeed a friendly exchange.
But it couldn't be.
He had never seen friends behaving this way. And if Ginny was kissed in the same way by a male friend, he was sure he would have had a violent reaction. But, then, he would have had the same even with a peck so perhaps it didn't count.
She still had her hands on his shoulders and was looking at him, steadily, without any trace of wrongdoing in her look, something that confused him even more.
'Hermione, what are you...' he started saying, still undecided whether to speak his doubt, but she didn't let him finish, she dissolved his unfinished question sliding her hands behind his neck and a new kiss followed, a different one still, more intense where her lips acquired boldness in a endeavour to part his.
Ok, this is definitely wrong.
The incertitude was gone. It was surely not a friendly kiss. He had to stop it straight away. He pushed her away from him scared by her incomprehensible behaviour.
'Hermione, what the hell are you doing??'
She looked at him with round eyes, her chin started to tremble suggesting an imminent burst of tears. But Harry didn't want to see any tears, he had seen enough of them for a lifetime, he wanted an explanation.
'Do not even try to cry!' Harry warned her sternly 'What was that?'
She gulped two or three times attempting to stop what was threatening to emerge any time since the beginning of their walk 'Harry, I'm sorry but I think... I... I'm in l....'
'Don't say it!' Harry entreated, understanding in a flash what she was about to declare, in an urgent attempt to stop her.
'...love with you'
She said it.
Harry was thunderstruck. His brain in a frantic activity rooted him on the spot.
'This is a joke.' He said as soon as he found his speech again, regretting to have asked her for an explanation that, he now knew, it was better not to receive.
Hermione shook her head, biting her lips in evident distress.
At that denial Harry panicked 'Hermione, this is an awful moment of our lives, we are all upset. This is just loneliness you are feeling!' He wanted to reason with her, desperate to make her eat her words. They were still in time to pretend nothing had ever happened.
'Harry, I've known to be in love with you for years' she admitted in a disarming tranquillity.
'What?!' he exploded 'For years?! How many years?' he asked aghast. He couldn't refrain himself in asking those questions of which he didn't want to hear the answers.
Hermione's calm started to crumble under that cutting questions and a sort of agitation took its place that brought her to twist her hands enclosed in some mittens 'I don't know! Many? I don't know' she said shaking her head, confused, backing away sensing him upset and scared of her own daring in declaring so much.
'Ok, I need to sit down.' He muttered overwhelmed slumping on a bench behind them. He took off his hat and passed a hand in his hair trying to calm himself and succeeding only in panicking more. It was getting worse and worse.
This is not happening. This must be a joke.
But Hermione was in front of him abashed, looking anywhere but him. There was too much emotion under his eyes to be just a joke. It must have been the truth. And by the sound of it, it was something she had been harbouring for a very long time.
'When did it start? Why? Did I do something I shouldn't have?'
'No, you didn't do anything, besides being yourself' she hesitated sheepishly and then she resumed 'It's my fault. Please, Harry, don't ask me specifically when. Please.' She implored him in agitation 'It started a very long time ago. Longer than you probably imagine, I'm ashamed to own how long it has been. I've always known it and never admitted it, not even to myself, up to recently'.
Harry was ever more bewildered. He tried again to reason with her 'Hermione, you are married to Ron! You must love Ron; you have always loved Ron!'
She shook her head 'No, Harry. I've known not be in love with Ron for a very long time. I care for him, but the love is long gone. I loved him surely at first. But I was in love with you too after a time and then only with you' She almost whispered the last few words. It was dark but he could spot the blushing on her cheek as if it were daytime.
The bewilderment left Harry, to be replaced by irritation and disappointment.
'This cannot be true! You cannot be in love with me! I'm hot tempered, I get angry very easily, I'm impulsive and I can be quite stupid at times, you always repeat that! You always say that you would never have me! Those were your words!' he yelled at her in a temper. She had lied for all these years. He felt deceived.
One of his few relationships that thought genuine and real was crumbling under his eyes.
She started to fret more than ever.
'Harry, I know I've said it. And I mean it all! I forced myself to be convinced of it! I reproached myself many times for this feeling. I've tried everything to suppress it. I promise you, I did! But I just couldn't!' and the tears that she was trying so hard to repress gushed finally from her eyes.
'I just couldn't' she repeated, pleading him with her expression to understand and forgive her this compelling infatuation she hadn't been able to drown.
Harry had by then reached a sense of complete bewilderment. She was destroying one of his certainties. He had always believed in their fellowship defending it when people affirmed that friendship between men and women was impossible. Now he found out that it was true, at least for them. Ginny was right.
She is always right for heaven's sake! From now on I will be submissive, and I won't argue with her anymore because she is always right and I'm always wrong. And I will save myself a lot of troubles.
'I thought we were friends' he murmured disappointed.
Hermione's face flushed hearing the pain in his words, 'We are friends! I've always tried to be a friend to you! I tried to be selfless! It's only that you were looking at me and I knew that we wouldn't see each other for a very long time, and I lost control!'
'This is not friendship, Hermione' Harry retorted shaking his head.
He thought about all the time he hugged her, took her hands, kissed her, all the time she slept at their place and he even got advice on his marriage!
They had both nurtured a one-way sentiment in two different directions.
While he was behaving with her as with a sister, she was actually wishing for him. Under this new light all seemed disturbing and reckless.
How is it possible I've never noticed anything?
The answer was that he never even considered possible Hermione being in love with him. That's why he failed to notice.
And because I'm a blind git.
He was certainly not excusable, but she had been much worse.
How could she have allowed herself to play this dangerous game? She should have kept distance. Harry realised that probably she had fantasies over him, perhaps while she was with Ron, and that sickened him slightly. He had allowed her to form them with his inconsiderate behaviour.
'What do you expect from me?' he added disheartened 'Why did you even have to tell? Did you think you had some hope or something?'
Her flush redoubled at those words and didn't manage to hide the mortification that had sprung out.
Oh my god, perhaps she did! This is all my fault! I'll never and ever even look at another woman in the eye again.
He scowled at himself. He had to suppress this without delay. He couldn't allow it to go any further. There was just one remedy for this.
'Ok, right. Let's deal with this as adults' he said changing attitude.
'First of all: Does anybody know about it?'
She shook her head.
'Good. It will stay that way!' he stated firmly and stood up, now resolute in his own purpose.
'And now for the worst. Hermione, for your own good I'll be brutal. It is necessary, ok?'
She nodded weakly almost crouching on herself ready to get the blow.
Harry sighed again. He was sorry for the pain he was about to inflict but it was essential and unavoidable.
He looked at her straight into the eyes and with conviction, marking every sentence, he stated:
'I'm not in love with you. I will never be. Never! You have been a friend to me and nothing else. I love Ginny, and her alone. There are no possible chances, not even in a million years that I will break up with her, for you. And not even cheat on her. There can be nothing between us if not friendship. And right now, until this nonsense is over, not even that. I am not going to write to you, and you are not going to write to me until you are over it. And this summer, if you are in England, you will find excuses to see me as little as possible. Is that understood?'
It was like stabbing her with every "never" and "nothing", but he wanted his meaning to be clear without any possible misinterpretation.
She nodded, her face that had gradually lost all the colour becoming almost wan. The following hush didn't last long broken by an avalanche of sobs.
Normally Harry would have hugged her, in a different situation it would have been impossible for him to witness her anguish and not comforting her, but the shock of the revelation helped him to refrain in doing so. Now that he knew how she felt, he couldn't allow himself not even the smallest sign of tenderness.
He just made her sit down and waited for her to stop crying, he didn't trust in offering even a handkerchief.
When tears subsided, he said sternly 'Now you go home, and tomorrow when you get there you will write to Ginny. You will pretend nothing happened and everything is fine, all right?'
She nodded again mopping up tears with her sleeve.
'Ok, I'll wait for you to disapparate' and he added 'And you should probably revise your marriage. Ron doesn't' deserve this.'
And strange as it was, he meant it. He felt sorry for Ron. With all his faults he was a good man and deserved a wife that loved him.
Hermione stood up and looked at him as if wanting to speak but Harry didn't want to hear anything she had to say. Nothing she could add would have mended what she had just broken.
'Hermione, just go please' he urged her.
She flinched, hurt by this parting coldness and with a last look charged of regret she took the step that separated them irreversibly.

New lesson: I have to mistrust and always be on my guard against any female human being but Ginny and Hermione.
Let's rephrased it: I've got only Ginny left.