About Harry

Chapter 28 - Won't you feel lonely?

Harry didn't need to inform Ginny. By the evening, she knew already. From Hermione's parents to the Burrow, with speed travelled to her. The news greatly agitated her.
'What do you think about it?' she asked that evening in the kitchen, wand in her grasp, potatoes were being chopped.
'I think it's a great idea' he answered, his attention on the Daily Prophet that was being riffled through lazily. Not much about him thankfully and a lot about some house elves' strike. He made a mental note to show it to Hermione the next day at work just before to remember that it was just one month left to share this kind of things. Then she wouldn't have been there anymore. There wasn't any predisposition for a good mood anyhow; mornings and the evenings were always the worst. Lily's absence was felt the most. It seemed like the echo of their steps could be heard through the house as empty as it sounded.
'I suppose so. I wonder how Charlie came out with it...' Ginny mumbled while with another flick a spoon started to stir the gravy in the saucepan.
Harry closed the newspaper; he folded it and laying it aside. 'I wrote to Charlie, and I explained the situation. I asked him to persuade Ron to move there' he admitted frankly.
She almost let her wand drop by the surprise 'You what?! Why didn't you tell me?' she exclaimed.
'I didn't want to say in case it would end up in nothing' he answered 'I thought it may turn out to be the best solution for the problem. The only way for Ron and Hugo to get over the whole thing. And you know Ron, he always welcomes novelty. He was so bored at the joke shop. I was sure he would have liked the idea'.
Ginny, transfixed, dropped what she was doing to drop on a chair in front of him 'But, What about Hermione? She likes her job.'
'I know. But they would have been very miserable here. She is smart, she will find something she likes there too' he said standing up to stop the knife and turn down the fire under the saucepan in an attempt to save the dinner. Ginny was still gaping at him when he got back sitting.
'But won't you miss her? You are always together! You basically have always some businesses at work with her, and the lunch breaks, and the going to the Ministry together, and dinners, and holidays!'
'Of course, I'll miss her, but I couldn't think to anything else to help them' he said while transferring the potatoes and chicken in the oven.
She remained silence for a couple of minutes pondering over the new notion and then she asked, 'Who's going to take her place in the Ministry?'
Harry, trying to hide a smile, nonchalantly took up the newspaper again to hide it behind 'It's between a guy called Richard-something and the shag offerer who is called, by the way, Helena' and before she could open her mouth to retort he added in haste 'I didn't check. Hermione told me, unasked'.
'It's going to be the guy' she affirmed confident.
'Oh, yeah? How'd you know?' Harry asked smiling openly now.
'I'm writing to Hermione tomorrow! First thing I do when I get to the office.' she said standing up to take plates and cutlery.
'She says that she is not the one who chooses.' Harry answered pretending to read an article while very much amused in teasing her.
'Oh, she will choose all right!' she exclaimed setting up the table with violence. But then she realised that out of habit she had placed three plates on the table. One each for them and one where Lily used to sit.
She faltered, her expression sobering. She took the extra plate and stored it back in the cupboard, halting there immobile, her hand that wouldn't leave the handle and Harry thought to perceive a quivering in that slight figure.
He stood up reaching her and shifting her hair kissed her tenderly on the neck. She turned then leaning her head on his chest.
'If I turn this Helena in a toad, perhaps, I will feel better' she joked in a tone charged with melancholy.
Harry chuckled 'You don't need to. She is already a toad to me compared to you.'

The following evening, the Weasleys plus wives, were all meeting at the Burrow to say goodbye to Ron. They were having dinner together.
While Ginny was brushing her hair, she asked Harry for the third time in the space of two hours 'Are you sure you don't want to come?'
'Dead sure.' He answered for the third time.
'Won't you feel lonely here?' she retorted for the second time.
Yes, very much, it's gonna be awful but in any case, better than seeing Ron.
'I'll be alright' he lied for the second time.
'Mum will be disappointed' she said frowning. (Second time).
'I'm sure she will understand. It's gonna be much better without me.' (Second time) he said sitting on the bed observing her slight and long fingers braid her red hair.
'I disagree. It won't be better for me.' she concluded wearing her coat and pecking him on the lips. (First time. Nice.)
'Go or you'll be late' he urged her but as soon as she was disappeared in the greenish flame the house seemed even emptier than usual.
The silence was absolute and deafening. He started to reflect on how much everything had changed in a space of barely few weeks. First Lily, then Ron and now Hermione. Some of the most important people in his life were gone or about to go. And a series of desolating days were waiting in front of him before the boys would be back for summer holidays to fill the house again. But even then, it would have been still incomplete. Lily's void could not be filled.
He wondered how James and Albus were coping. They already got a letter from each filled with their day-to-day events. Nothing about Lily, which wasn't surprising anyway. It is not something that a boy and a teenager would put in a letter. If they were grieving it was in the inside.
They were growing up fast, especially James who was already in his third Hogwarts year, every holiday he was a bit different, taller and less child looking.
Just a few years back Albus was still asking for cuddles and hugging them spontaneously very often. Now it wasn't the case any longer. Harry was proud to see them growing but he missed them being children. That's why he had been happy to have Lily at home.
Harry had experienced her childhood in a completely different way compared to James and Albus. He and Ginny were more mature when they had her. Even if they didn't' show any maturity at the time of conception. She had been a surprise. They weren't looking for another baby. She was the product of one of the few nights out they could get. The children were at the Burrow; Molly and Arthur were having them for a weekend to give them some time alone. They had decided to go to a muggle party in London. They were going to these kinds of events when they had the chance. It was easier for Harry to enjoy himself among muggles and it was always an exciting experience for Ginny not so used to all the technology involved.
They got home completely wasted and the morning after they could barely remember to have had sex at all. Harry remembered the hangover very well though. One of the worst.
When Ginny, about two months later, had realised to be pregnant, they weren't overjoyed. To be completely honest, they were on the verge of tears.
Albus and James had just started to be less challenging, more self-sufficient, and the thought to start all over again, especially for Ginny, hadn't been welcomed with enthusiasm at first.
Harry started to feel excited only when finding out that it was going to be a girl. He had always wanted a girl. He was very curious to see how different it was going to be.
And it had been different. They created a very strong bond straight away. Being summer he had a whole month to help Ginny out. It hadn't been an easy delivery, and it was he, who mostly took care of Lily in that first month, he would give her the bottle, change her nappies, wake up during the night when she was crying so Ginny could get the rest she needed.
It had been difficult, when September came, to return to work. But the bond was created, and it just grew stronger. As soon as she could speak, and people would ask her the idiotic question that sooner or later is always presented to any child "Do you prefer mummy or daddy?" she would always answer "daddy" without hesitation. He pretended not to be affected by it while inside, his heart melted every time.
When she started to grow up, he had done things he would never have thought to do in his life; shopping for pink glittering things, playing with dolls, going to birthday parties where he had the chance to find out that girls can be much more challenging than boys: tittering, asking embarrassing questions just for the fun of creating embarrassment, bickering. He had found himself in great difficulty in handling the situation a couple of times. Between mothers (which acted exactly the same) and daughters, he didn't know what was worse. In the end he had left this task to Ginny. It was more than he could bear. He felt much more at his ease with boys' birthday parties where with a broom or a ball, depending on the context, they were all happy and busy.
He had been intrigued about the future that was waiting for her. He had amused himself in thinking what kind of girl she would grow up to be, his reaction to her first boyfriend and so on.
He still hadn't absorbed completely the fact that she wasn't there anymore. He wouldn't stop to think about it to protect himself.
He hadn't approached her room. It was there all the time in the corner of his eyes. His gaze was continually caught by it, clenching his heart in an iron grip. The impossible wish to find her pet there, sleeping or playing, was never leaving him, he had to restrain his mind many times not to indulge in that treacherous hope. Once before he had been attracted by a promise of something unreal with the Mirror of Erised. Watching his parents in the reflection he had longed for them, longed for a family he never had, for the idea of it, but now it was more dangerous. He craved for something that he had and lost. However he must find the strength to confront it. Alone this time; no Dumbledore helping him in accomplish this dire task.
He decided to do it that night. He wasn't sure about his possible reaction, and it was better to find it out unaccompanied.
He pushed the door and got inside. Everything was how it had been left on Christmas day. Clothes were on the floor, and toys and Christmas presents lying all over.
Out of habit he started to tidy up. He put the clothes on the hangers and in the wardrobe, the toys in the toy box.
Only on picking up her rabbit plush, that had fallen on the floor, he realised how silly this tidying up was. He had done it instinctively without reflecting on it.
He sat on the bed and placed the plush against the pillow. On the side table was lying Lily's toy wand and the calendar she was using to cross out the days to Christmas. Funny how it had all a different meaning now that the last cross was the day she died.
It was all covered by a layer of dust. 'Terego' he said to take it off. There wasn't much on it besides the crosses. But when he looked at July his heart sank. On the 31st of July she had drawn a heart 'dad' she had written with her uneven calligraphy and just besides, on the 30th of July, another heart 'Lily' for her birthday.
It took his breath away.
This was not a good idea. At all. Why am I inflicting this to myself?
He stood up and left the room as sorrow was starting to flow unstoppable. From now on neither Christmas nor his birthday not even any other day of his life would be enjoyable any longer.
That pain would always been there lying on the bottom of him. He would eventually stop to be so violent, but it would always be there nevertheless ready to awake any moment.
How can anybody live this way?
He let himself fall on his bed, wishing that Ginny would be back soon. It was a torture to be home alone with his own thoughts. He couldn't bear to remain there with all this going through his head. He needed to shake it off somehow. He needed to do something to chase away these unhealthy thoughts.
And in the spur of the moment, he had an idea.
I'm going for a ride.
It was a long time he didn't touch a broom and now it was the perfect moment for it; the night was dark, and he could use the window on the back of the house.
He got one of his broom from the cupboard. It was a very good one. Bought recently. But between job, kids and being in London he had scarcely used it.
Getting ready he was reminded about his firebolt lost so many years before when he and the other seven Harrys had been pursued by a Death Eater and Voldemort. He never went to look for it. He had not the remotest idea where it could have fallen, and they were so high in the air that it probably had smashed somewhere on the ground below. He was reminded of the day he got it, Ron gaping faces and Hermione's doubts. He felt nostalgia for those times. It was just before things started to go downfall when he still was a careless kid. He wasn't that much afraid of Sirius Black wanting to kill him. His youth was protecting him from real worries and his life seemed positively carefree and fun comparing to the following years.
Harry wished he could return a thirteen-year-old boy, playing quidditch and joking with Hermione and Ron. He had had definitely some very hard moments while at Hogwarts but also some very enjoyable ones. He wished for those now. But they were very far off behind him.
He got to the window, mounted his broom and took off. It was a wonderful sensation to be out flying. The icy night air lashed his face pushing away all the uneasiness of the evening. He accelerated at maximum speed enjoying the sensation of freedom. Very soon all the London's lights were far away under him. He could see the Thames sliding sinuously in the middle of it.
The vastness of the city always had the power to sooth him placing everything in a different prospective. All emotions don't matter how powerful and overwhelming they seemed; they were nothing really if observed from so much above.
But then, at one point, you must always get back down.
When forced to go back he found Ginny waiting for him in bed reading a book. He felt better than he thought possible considering how the evening had started.
He got to kiss her, but she pushed him away 'Don't touch me, you are freezing'
He laughed 'Is this how you welcome your lovely husband?' he answered going toward the bathroom to get ready for the night.
She kept he attention studiously on the book 'My lovely husband left the window open. It was colder inside than outside when I got back'
He shouted an apology from the bathroom.
'So, how was it?' he asked once he had done slipping under the duvet close to her.
'Subdued, I dare say...' she replied turning a page 'we talked about Ron's plans, and we said goodbye. But it wasn't as usual. Nobody joked or laughed. Not even George. The fact that you were missing didn't improve the mood.'
'Trust me, it would have been worst with me there.' He muttered starting to kiss her shoulder and going up to the neck.
'You have been inside Lily's room' she affirmed keeping her eyes on the book.
He stopped immediately turning away from her in a fit of resentment. Why did she have to mention Lily? He was fine, for once he was all right and now all the bad feelings were back again.
'How was it?'
'Fun! I enjoyed myself immensely' he blorted out.
She didn't reply for a minute and then she said 'We will need to do something about that room.'
'Ginny, are you punishing me because I didn't come tonight?' he retorted full of rancour.
'I'm not punishing you! I'm just saying. We cannot leave it as it is forever'
Harry knew it but he didn't want to think about it, and he was annoyed with Ginny to have mentioned it now.
'Why not? It is not as if we need that room. We can even board it up and not think about it anymore.'
He heard Ginny shutting her book and she turned off the light.
'You know that we cannot. We need to do it'.
'It's not even a month for god's sake! Just leave me be!' he raised his voice upset. Why all this hurry now? She was indeed punishing him.
They didn't talk for a while, but he couldn't fall asleep. He was too vexed.
He then felt Ginny's touch on his back, a sigh accompanying it, 'I'm sorry Harry. I was indeed punishing you. Though not consciously.'
Harry didn't move nor spoke. An admission wasn't enough to soften him.
'I just had a very desolate evening at my parents', and I took it out on you. I'm sorry. It was unfair.'
'Ginny, you cannot do this. This is much worse than unfair. You can't use this to vent out your feelings' he didn't turn to face her. He felt resentment for how she behaved. It wasn't justified. He would never have done it.
No? Really? Do I need to remind you what you did to her? I'm sure that was justified...
The voice inside him disagreed apparently. And probably with some reason but he still held on to his resentment.
There was silence again but it was soon broken by a crying sob.
Why and why women have to cry so much? And why I cannot just ignore it?
He turned towards her as the anger subsided faster than it came, drove away by her tears, and took her straight away in his arms consolingly 'Come on Ginny. Don't cry. It's alright'.
It wasn't easy for neither of them. He couldn't blame her too much. Even if just a sprinkle less of mood swings would have been appreciated. It was a few days already that she had been very temperamental. Harry was having some trouble in dealing with it especially because it seemed he couldn't do anything right. Sometimes she was scolding him basically just for being alive and a moment later she was all sweetness and tenderness. Or crying. Like now.
'I'm awful Harry, I'm so sorry' she wailed in tears huddling up against him.
'You are not. It's also my fault. I could have been more sensitive I guess...' and then to make her laugh 'and maybe I could have closed the window behind me before leaving'.
She chuckled between tears 'Yes, that was pretty horrible of you. I almost froze to death!'
'I've done it just to be able to warm you up now.' He joked keeping her close.
Her soft laugh decreased soon in an hush.
'Harry?'
'Mmh?'
For a moment the answer remained suspended but then it turned again in new sobs, intense and full of agony this time 'Why did it have to happen to Lily? Why to our child?'
Harry sighed; he was asking himself the same question every day.
'I don't know...' he answered, her shown grief mirroring his inside one.