About Harry

Chapter 22 - It is my fault if she died

The following morning, they woke up early. From kitchen's window where they were having breakfasts the street was completely empty; traces of the previous night parties punctuated it; empty bottles and rubbish of every kind laid abandoned in every corner and the usual desolate air of post New Year's celebration infused Harry with the feeling that he and Ginny were the only people awake in the whole borough if not in the whole city. It gave him a sense of peace.
For a moment he tried to imagine how that event could have turned out to be for his family if everything would have still been how it was supposed to be.
Probably they would have gone all together to see the muggle fireworks at the House of Parliament. Probably Lily would have fallen asleep in his arms, tired, getting back home. And he could picture it so well that he could almost feel the weight of her in his arms, he could almost hear her breathing... and the pain grew so intense...
I've got to stop torturing myself!
He halted immediately this train of thought; it was taking him straight to that pit of grief he wanted to avoid. It didn't help him. It was past, it could never happen again. It was unwise the 'what if...'.
He had to concentrate on the present. The next day James and Albus had to get the train to Hogwarts, and it was the last chance to speak to them before they left for many months.
He was concerned on how he would find them towards him, but he couldn't leave this gap, that was dividing them, open. He had to try to seal it before them departing otherwise, he knew, it was doomed to become bigger and more difficult to mend.
'I'm going to the Burrow' he announced to Ginny when the meal was over.
'Shall I come?' she asked standing up and piling up the dirty plates.
He shook his head handing his own 'No, I'm going by myself. I will bring them here; it will be easier tomorrow to take them to St. Pancras'.
She nodded and as she approached the sink, she added in a subdued tone 'I'm putting back all Lily's pictures. I don't want them to think we are trying to cancel her from our life. We can take them off again, if you want, after they are gone'.
He realised just then that all Lily's pictures had disappeared from the house. Ginny had taken them away not to trigger him while he was grieving so violently.
She had been wise and he didn't want them back. It was easier this way.
'It is not that I'm trying...' he paused to swallow the knot in his throat that was impeding him to talk 'I don't want to cancel...' he stammered uncertain on how to continue 'it's just...' he tried again without success to complete the sentence. He had difficulty in speaking what was on his mind, difficulty to explain that he didn't want to forget her. But it was so hard trying to keep a balance, trying to keep on living, when he had her smiling in pictures as if she was there, in front of him, and she was not. All the time something that would remind him of Lily happened to cross his path, he felt a wave of devastation that threatened him with insanity. He still didn't manage to get inside her room for fear to be overwhelmed. The only way to get away with it was not to be reminded of her.
Ginny left everything in the sink and went to embrace him 'I know...' she said 'You don't need to explain. We will keep them off until we both feel a bit better'.
'When is that supposed to be?' he asked weary.
'I don't know, but it will happen eventually. One day we will wake up and we will feel good again, I promise'
They sent words to Molly and Arthur of his intention and by the early afternoon he was ready to go.
When he got there, the first thing he saw stepping out from the fireplace was their faces; they had been sitting at the kitchen table. Molly stood up straight away, smiled and hugged him. Harry spotted her eyes rather humid but neither Lily nor Ron was mentioned. Arthur joined them and patted Harry on the shoulder 'James and Albus are in the garden, they are waiting for you' he only said.
The snow there was still powdering everything. He could see from far away the little town with the cemetery where Lily was buried. His eyes were captured for a moment but then released. That moment was reserved to somebody else.
It wasn't difficult to find the boys. Clear footprints in the snow showed him the way. They were sitting on a bench in silence surrounded by white. When they perceived him, they didn't' speak and neither they moved, waiting.
'Can I sit?' he asked when in front of them. And then with their gazes still on him in an unreadable expression, parted leaving him space in the middle.
He sighed witnessing that hollow expression and understood that the encounter may have proved to be more challenging than he had anticipated. He had time to think about what to tell them, but nothing seemed right, and for that reason he felt unprepared.
'I'm sorry boys' he started saying 'I'm sorry you had to witness what you did'. Those words didn't rise any reaction; they had moved their gazes in front of them, but Harry was aware to have caught their attention, he felt their need to have an explanation from his mouth, not their grandparents' ones. Emboldened he continued 'There are no excuses for my behaviour. I know you have been very much frightened by it, and rightly so. I was very much in pain. And it wasn't the first time for me. It happened many times in my life to grieve for people dying and I guess this was a time too many.' Albus at those words lifted his eyes to him 'Like Cedric...' he said.
Harry, thankful for that exchange, nodded 'Exactly. And there have been others. Like the wizard you got the name from.'
'We know about Dumbledore and about your godfather, and Ted's dad...'.
Harry looked at him enquiringly; surely it hadn't been from him that they had apprehended it. Albus noticing it, explained 'Grandma and grandpa told us about it. They explained us why you were so upset'.
Harry stroked his hair 'I'm sorry I've never told you any of this. You are so young; it didn't seem right to me that you had to know all these sad things. I was wrong.'
Albus shook his shoulders slightly 'It doesn't matter dad; it is not as we didn't know. We have always known it. We asked mum and uncle and everybody in school knows about you.'
That sentence made him suddenly realise how foolish he had been. How could he even think that they wouldn't know just because he decided not to tell.
'I should have done it' he continued 'What happened to your sister brought everything back, I guess. I had a lot of anger inside I couldn't keep in.' He felt sick again thinking to what his family had to bear in this occasion and that helped in giving his apology a tone of sheer sincerity 'I'm very sorry boys you had to witness it' he repeated.
'It's all right, dad' Albus said concentrating his attention on a pebble he picked from the ground 'We feel pretty bad too.'
James that until that moment hadn't spoken, murmured darkly 'I'm sorry dad. We know she was your favourite.'
Harry felt a pang 'Why do you say that? It isn't true.'
'Yes, it is. It was plain to see. How you played with her, talked to her...'
The tone wasn't resentful, but Harry would almost have preferred that rather than the sadness in which it was infused because the last pained him much more.
'No, James listen to me' he said taking him by the shoulders 'She was indeed my favourite girl, but I have got two favourite boys as well, I love very much. You are absolutely not any lower in my affection than Lily was and still is.'
James was still avoiding his gaze though, and he shrugged his hands from him. His eyes were filling fast with tears, and his expression was acquiring the hardness missing before 'It is my fault if she died' he whispered passing an arm quickly on his eyes to dry up that mark of affliction he was ashamed to let Harry see.
He was very much surprised by this affirmation that could hardly be considered true 'Why? How could it be your fault?'
'I told him it's not; he won't listen to me' Albus' voice came Harry's right.
'Shut up you!' James snapped 'It is my fault!' and talking to Harry 'You didn't want to go, and I argued, I made a fuss and so mum came and said we could go. If I hadn't, we wouldn't have gone, and she would still be here'. His expression had mutated in a pained grimace while he was speaking, his face congested in the effort of not allowing those tears that were clouding his eyes to fall.
Harry heaved a big sigh 'James, this was not your fault, not anybody's. Me and mum were already undecided on what to do, and it wasn't because you argued that we decided to go but because we wanted you to enjoy yourselves. We knew how much you all wanted to go. It didn't have anything to do with you arguing. You can believe me.'
He put an arm around his shoulders, that was now accepted, and one around Albus.
James nodded shaking with repressed sobs. Harry kept his boys close to him until James quietened and relaxed close to him.
'Are you going to take us to the cemetery? Grandma is taking us every day but today we didn't go yet'. Albus asked, his gaze not leaving the pebble in his hand rolling on his palm.
'If you want, we can go but you don't have to feel forced to. It doesn't change anything.' He hadn't any desire to visit the grave, he wanted to avoid the place, but if Albus and James wished to go he would have accompanied them despite his reluctance
Albus hesitated, rising his green eyes to the Burrow for a moment, leaving the pebble fall in the snow under him 'So, then, no... I prefer not to go...' he stated and then after a few seconds he spoke again 'What about Uncle Ron?' he asked.
'What about him?'
He faltered 'You know... You beat him... and I heard from grandma while she was talking to grandpa that he is in Azkaban' his eyes growing bigger with fear 'Dementors may perform the kiss on him'.
Harry didn't' want to antagonize his children against Ron despite what happened. He realised that his problems with him didn't have to influence them especially since Albus was so close to Rose
'He is ok' he then said 'and I explained to you already that dementors haven't been there for a very long time. He will get out tomorrow because it wasn't his fault. It was an accident but we didn't really make up so I don't think we will see each other for a while. You can go anytime you want to his place though. If you want to.'
They didn't answer, lost in their reflections. Harry didn't know how much they guessed about his resentment, but they didn't ask questions.
'We should go now. Your mum would like to spend some time with you before you leave'.